2016...A New Year and Definitely A New Me!

Man-O-Man,

Readers. I have been through a huge change since the last time or times I have blogged. To save you from having your eyes just cross, I'll list some of the changes since my last blog. Be aware that some have already been discussed but old changes lead to where I am today.

1. Moved to Grand Rapids, MI
2. Took a position at University
3. University co-workers from Hell (1st year)
4. Stayed; thought things would change (2nd year); started new University PhD program
5. New Leader was even more evil she wasn't from Hell; she was Hell.
6. Put in resignation
7. Oldest son not being taught in school; falling through the cracks. needed extra help.
8. Decided to work with him myself; skilled SLP; I could teach him.
9. Began working with him and watch tremendous growth
10. Decided to home school and continue to pursue PhD.
11. Do not exactly like the city that I am living in; not very many black middle class families.
12. Frederick with new position; wants to work for 1 year at the company in order to transfer to a different city.
13. Happy at this point about working with my own kids. I feel more in control about what they are learning. Kids like the home school; but often miss the social interaction. It is hard to find outside of school. I'm working hard to find a balance.
14. We are living in an apartment. This is fine, but we are starting to miss living in a home with a yard; just our own space.

That pretty much sums it up in  a nutshell. What big changes!

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

I moved to teach. I love the mentorship and the feeling of importance that comes with providing guidance to students. The politics and backbiting that comes with being a faculty member is awful. There is no team work. Everyone is there to establish and promote their own agendas. It is taking me a while to get used to this particular place. We have on member of the faculty who works to destroy everything, everything. I am between a rock and a hard place. I need to have a job. I need to provide for my family. I love working with the students. But I hate how the department is being conducted.  She wants to see the department go down because she can not boss people around. It is getting worse. I hope it will soon get better.

Over two years...

Oh boy, there have been so many changes since the last time I wrote anything on this blog. Well, I guess the first thing I should share is the fact that I moved. Not just around the corner or to another side of town or to a near by town in MS or TN.  No, I did not move to my beloved Nashville.  I moved across the country. I relocated my family to Grand Rapids, MI. Yes, I did it. I left everything that I could not sell. I took the bare minimum and left.  I could not take living in that area any more.Why, you ask. I am learning the true answer to that question in my bi-weekly sessions with my counselor. But my surface reasons are as follows. I left for a better career opportunity. I believed that my options in the Mid-South were limited. Those in the region did not value education at its core. The value for the children appears to be sports and entertainment. This is especially sad for the children who are in need of speech and language services, but especially difficult for a parent with a child who doesn't fit the mold. I wanted to give my children a better education. I also wanted to try working in the university setting. 

 I believe that if you cut the skin back and look under the surface you will find that I left because of the pressure. Yes, I felt pressure to have a "normal" kid.  I was miserable. I felt the pressure to prove that "nothing is wrong with me". I felt isolated, overworked, under appreciated and totally despised by my  friends and colleagues. My family is dysfunctional and have no desire to work on building relationships. I could not build a relationship with my sister. My aunt San died, My uncle Melvin died, then my grandmother died.  My dad is jealous and makes sure that I don't build a relationship with my mom. He is controlling. My mom and dad are hoarders and in a constant state of depression.  I didn't feel at home in my home. I had a baby with little financial support. All of the money we were working so hard to make went straight out of the door. I dissolved my precious business. That was a big blow.  I liked my co-workers at my SNF job, but I missed having my own practice. I never really settled into that job even after a year of employment, I never settled into that job. I made great mature relationships with my colleagues, but was unable to feel as if I was helping anyone. It was a forty-five minute drive there and back. I felt as if I was a part of a "system" of nothing. I just could not take it anymore. The lingering humiliation and isolation from the past continued to bother me. I gained every bit of my weight back. I don't exercise or eat well and now I have lost all hope for being healthy. I don't know if I can mentally get there. I lost faith in the church and church people. I got tired of trying to fit in even in the house of God. The fact that my high school and college peers have relationships that I still believe that I can't be a part of (real or not, that is my perception and perception is reality). The fact that I still feel like trash. Not one that will even be spoken too as if I did something negative to their relationship. I was the one that was lied to and humiliated and mistreated and seen as trash. Looked upon as not good enough.Yes, I took a job in a new state. I needed a new start, a different experience, A new life. I was tired of having to be strong and put up a "face" when I hurt so badly. I did want to have to walk into stores and see people from my past and have them "look" at me with that "look". This is not just in my head. It's a look. Maybe they are wondering if I am alright. But I want to not exist in that world. To top it all off, a friend came to me and asked if she could rent my home while I was away. We spent money that we did not have renovating what we could and she bailed on us the day before we left. Just left us high and dry. The bad part about it was that I felt obligated to tell her once me got to the new state. I told her that it was alright…well it ain't alright. You set us up. She knew from day one that she was not going to stay in my home. It was just her way of getting out of her apartment. I was used yet again. (Fred knew that she wasn't going to do it). I got tired to trying to prove to myself that I was okay. I got tired of trying to prove to them that I am okay.  I want to be a distant memory. Now the hard part is making that world a distant memory to me. I have been hurt. Here I am 8 months into a new place and I am still thinking of the harsh treatment that I felt at home. My counselor said that it is post traumatic stress. YOU THINK!

The Freeze

After two years of being away from the gym, I woke up this morning in good spirits. I put my workout clothes on, asked Fred what he wanted me to pick up from the grocery store once I left the gym and headed out the door. I got to the gym parking  lot and FROZE. I could not get out of the car. I was completely paralyed. I was afraid to go back into the gym. A man that I used to see at the gym alot pulled up in the parking lot, because I didn't want to look like an idiot, I got out of the truck. BUT I FROZE AGAIN! I got to the front door and couldn't go through. He went in before me and was looking at me like I was insane, I just was frozen. I couldn't go through. I can't tell you why, but it was as if I had something blocking the door. Because the man was looking at me. I went into the gym. I thank God that that man was there. I don't believe that I would have gotten out of my truck this morning. I don't believe that I would have had the courage.

I was able to complete thirty minutes on the stationary bike. Yeah!

I went to the grocery store and bought breakfast for my sons and headed back home. We had a great day with our boys. We took them to the pink palace museum and then to dinner. What a great day!

Thankful and Content

Being thankful is beautiful in the eyes of God. It keeps you from coveting. I recently learned this lesson. I was one that was not thankful. Nothing was ever good enough. I always wanted more. I looked at what and where I thought I should be. I sought the praise and recognition from others and never from those that loved me...just the ones I wanted to love me. Isn't that terrible. I am now more committed to looking at Jesus to be more like my father in heaven. He has given me all things that pertain to life and godliness through the knowledge of his son Jesus.

Look people, let me tell you. You can't depend on "man" or this "world" for financial peace, health, wholeness or anything. THEY DON'T HAVE THE ANSWER! Only God has the answers we need. So be content and thankful right were you are. God will take care of you. Seek and keep on seeking Him. Don't stop.

From Firey Adult to Melting Heart Mommy

Hello World,

It is amazing how kids change your life. I spoke with a 2 fellow colleague today. ALL of us started in private practice at the same time. We all help each other get things started. We were all pen pals and would encourage each other from a distance. We all had our first child and hit the ground running with our businesses. Then we had that second child....and boy are we all different. We are ALL on the same page. ALL of us have changed. We are so motherly. It is amazing how we were going to conquer the world and now our hearts have been conquered by our precious children. No other job in the world can compare.

The courage to Change...from Selfish to Godly

Change is very uncomfortable. It requires a lot of facing the truth about yourself, yourself in situations, yourself as a whole. But it is so necessary to becoming the person that God honor. I am not the same. I have never been so free in my whole life. NEVER!

Putting God first and others before yourself is godly, but to do it means changing your plans and accepting new plans based on the guidance of the Holy Spirit and not your own human spirit. I have begun to seek first the kingdom of God. All that is...is doing things the way that God wants and not the way of "The World". It is so different what God wants for us and what we want. All I did was to get up early and discover who I was through prayer and study of the Word for understanding. This is a continues process. It is one that I now realize is never over. I am going to have to stay connected. Not just connect until I get what I am praying for, but connect until Jesus comes back or calls me home to be with Him. My surrender was not met without tears and misunderstandings, but I know this sacrifice of my will for God's will serve me better in the long run (I hope that made sense).

 In I Timothy, Paul gives instructions for the bishops and teachers deacons and women. I have read it and heard it a thousand and one times. But after reading it, I got the real motivation for my actions...All of them. My motives have been ALL wrong, even when I thought they were right at the start. I have begun to better see what God was trying to tell me. He was looking at my heart. I was looking at the outside, but he was looking at my heart. Praise God! He is so understanding and merciful. Okay, whew...so much to explain. 

As I asked him to show me his love, he has not only shown me his love, but he showed me how to love and how to forgive...yes, me how to forgive.

As God has continued to show me his love, I have changing totally...No more selfishness.

Phillipians 2:3 Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of other as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. (NLT)