My Only Option

Good Morning World,

I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I have very selfish thoughts. I want to go to my room get under the covers and just stay there for the rest of my life. I don't want to ever come out. I don't want to eat. I want to quit reading. I want to quit calling my friends. I want to quit writing. I want to quit watching t.v. I want to quit bathing (that would be awful). I want to quit hugging.  I want to quit thinking. I want to quit working. I want to quit laughing. I want to quit driving. I want to quit giving. I want to quit knowing. I want to quit walking. I want to quit running. I want to quit trying.I want to quit learning. I want to quit loving. I want to quit praying. I want to quit dreaming. I want to quit quitting.

My whole existence is for my son. The whole reason for the fulfillment of my dreams is because of him. The reason for my success is my son. The reason for wanting to be healthy is my son. The reason for Nicholas was to have a playmate and companion for my son...

But I can't quit. I will learn from Bug, my sweet Lil Fred. I go on because he doesn't quit. I watch him work hard everyday. He wants to go to school everyday. He wants to play everyday. He never quits thinking. He never quits reading. He never quits calling his friends. He never quits writing. He never quits watching t.v. He never quits bathing. He never quits hugging. He never quits thinking. He never quits working. He never quits laughing. He never quits riding his bike. He never quits giving. He never quits knowing. He never quits walking. He never quits running. He never quits trying. He never quits learning. He never quits loving. He never quits praying. He never quits dreaming. He never quits....As I learn to put my feelings of grief and anger aside for you Bug. Help me draw from your courage and your tenacity, my sweet boy. Today and everyday, my sweet Bug,I learn from you...never, ever, quit.

My love for Bug will keep me from quitting. Love is so strong. Love is patient. It can wait. It can heal. It is stronger than anything. Stronger than death itself (Solomon 8:6).  My only option (as I write this in tears) is to keep going. Its okay to cry, it's okay for plans to change but it's not okay to quit.

God, I learn from how you never quit, because of our disobedience your plans for us had to change from what they were in the beginning. Your son Jesus was dead. Think about that. He was dead. He had every sickness, disease, mental illness and unforgiveness and every addiction and every lie in His body. He carried to the cross. He died. He was dead. A lot of the prophets of many religions died. But my savior was raised from the dead by God who is Love and Jesus lives. He lives in me and my son.

My only option is to never quit. I learn from you God. I learn from you my Lil Fred. Never quit.

The Visit

This has been a very tough week. As I screened each child, I realized how delayed my Bug is. My son has not been the same since his sickness last year. I don't know if that was the actual cause or if it just help him over the edge, but he lost a lot of skills after that month of sickness...THAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. MIA....THE PAST IS OVER.

The visit to the developmental pediatrician was inconclusive. The doctor performed her background information questionnaire. She asked for us to tell our story of Bug (I finally listened to the story as I told it).She performed a screening that was obviously below his level (STAT) but still enough for me to see that he,....Oh my God is on the Spectrum. My son, my precious Bug is on the Autism Spectrum. The pediatrician is referring us to an Audiologist, Educational Psychologist, Allergist, and a Neurologist. She did not want to tell me, but I told her that if I didn't see it before I definitely see it today, "He is definitely on the Spectrum". She responded with, "There are some characteristics, especially the fact that you said he had skills and then lost them". She recommended that I start behavioral interventions such as ST, OT & PT. It was as if I left my body in the chair and I floated off. I couldn't feel anything. I had to keep asking her to repeat what she had said. Fred had a look...not of surprise...but just a look of victory. I will draw from his strength. I was shocked, but not shocked. I knew it, but didn't know it all at the same time. I was a professional that knew it all and I was an idiot at the same time. Nothing she (pediatrician)told me that I haven't said to many parents that I serve. I can't believe she is having to say these thing to me. There is definitely "something" she said. I knew what that "something" was. I have seen it a hundred thousand, gazillion times. I just didn't want to see it in my baby. Not my Bug. From Last year to this, I asked Bug's teachers, my friends, & my relatives..."Do you think something is a little different about Bug?" No they would say, you're just being a speech therapist, you are putting too much pressure on him. Because I wanted to be in denial, I took those answers from people who don't know a hill of beans about Autism. I took their answers as to why my son was "different".

Yesterday, was my day of initial shock. The tears, the pain, the anger....Today, I officially join the fight with millions of other professionals and now as a parents to understand, advocate and eliminate Autism Spectrum Disorders. Please bear with me. I don't know how long my state of shock will last. Just ride the emotional roller coaster with me. Thanks for listening world. I'll write more later.

Fasting and Bug's Appointment and Business

I fasted on Monday. Not only to get the "sugar" monkey off my back, but to focus on listening to the Lord and not my cravings. I asked Him for wisdom as it relates to Lil Fred and me as a wife and mother and business owner. It was for His guidance as to what my next step should be. I am also praying for his strength as we prepare to go to the developmental pediatrician on Friday. We (Fred and I) are headed there to get a clear picture of what may be going on with Lil Fred. We want to ask for referrals to neurologist, allergists and an audiologist or ENT to rule out all possibilities. We want to get this picture of Bug so that we can create an action plan for his education. I am not so impressed with this new education thing RTI (response to intervention). I feel its a load of crap and a way for the "system" to save money on the special education needs of students and just another way to stress the regular educator out. Anyway, that's Mia's opinion and I may be wrong. I probably am wrong, but the older I get the more I realize that MOST everything goes back to making and saving money-even when it comes to systems in place for our children.

We are working to make it possible for Bug to not need any interventions by the time he enrolls in kindergarten.

I have decided to postpone my completion of the nutrition courses for the additional certification. I want to focus on getting Bug together.  Please know that I am continuing my research and readings on nutrition and the benefits of it. I have two years to complete the self-pace courses. After the two years, I can still request an extension up to six months.

Business is building back up after the pregnancy and the baby. I have a great team this year. We look forward to helping many families. My team members are so enthusiastic and hard working. They love what they do! My favorite people to work with.

Health wise:
I am back to the contemplation stage on my journey to health. I am thinking about trying to get back on the horse. I got on it, but now I am just sitting on it. We aren't really moving.  How do I base my health on necessity and not on emotion?

Post-Post Partum; Bug's birthday

Well, this week has been a little tough. I attempted the couch to 5k. My heel is so fatigued after 5 minutes of exercise. I don't know what it is. I asked a physical therapist colleague to look at it. She believes that it is just weak after injuring it in that race and the baby and the weight gain have all affected the strength of this tendon. I was thinking that I might need surgery but she said that after a year, scar tissue is there (if there were micro-tears). She didn't believe that I had torn anything based on her knowledge. I was glad to hear that, but it makes me sad that I am going to have to start "before scratch" as my sister says. I am so sad about that.

I've been a little emotional this week. It may be a case of postpartum. Isn't it too late after the baby to realize that I have it. I didn't really experience it much with Bug. I think for about a day or two after he was born, I had a breakdown, but I think that was from being a new mom. Hopefully, I can shake it off soon and get back to being myself. It may be my need for perfection. You know how I am. If things aren't A-B-C in exact order, I lose it. So, I am just going to ATTEMPT to chill out.

Lil Fred is doing so much better. The combination of speech therapy and just plain old fashion growing up has made a tremendous difference. He keeps talking about his birthday and what he wants for his birthday party. "Cars 2 birthday party, Mama!" I will definitely make it happen. He wants it at Chuck-e-cheeses. I'd rather not do it there, but he loves the place. So this weekend, I will call or go up there to set things up for Bug's 4th Birthday. Can you believe my baby is 4. Tears....time flies.