The Ending of the Year

I have stated in earlier post that this has been a great year. Very educational, a lot of big losses and great gains. I thank God for letting me see this year. I look forward to 2011 with the big presentation in April and in May the arrival of my beautiful new baby boy. I don't know what his name will be but I can't wait to meet him.

Let me tell you, I have been chosen to speak at a huge conference this year. I am excited and scared at the same time. I have about three months to get prepared. I will be in my eighth month of pregnancy when the conference is held. I realize that anything you do "unpregnant" a person can do pregnant so I didn't turn the opportunity down even though fear almost got the best of me.

For the past two years of my 3years of  business ownership, I have been toying with the official business name. I felt the previous name didn't make room for growth. It limited me to speech and language. It made team members feel unwelcome. Like they didn't matter. I had planned on using the new name only in the other State and on some publications, but I began to feel that it could be an all inclusive name. So,  I decided in November to go ahead and start 2011 with a new company name. I think it is okay and I did a little research of other companies that have changed their names. It happens more than I realized. The good thing about my name change is that I am early in the growth of my business. There are still a lot of people, agencies and others that do not know who we are. So it was done and I feel great about the decision. I was surprised at how easy it was to change. I thought I would have to send in this or that and have the IRS do this and that, but a couple of calls and it was done. Too bad the phone books for next year have already been printed so the change will not be reflected in the phone book. That is okay, my phone and fax and address will remain the same.

I feel like I am starting all over. It is a great feeling. I know what I have done wrong and have learned from that and I see a lot that I have done right and I have learned from that as well. So I look forward to a very, very successful and prosperous 2011.  With that said, I realize that a lot of people lack dedication and commitment. They just don't have it. They make promises and break them while looking you square in the eye. People are all about themselves. This is not a bad thing necessarily, it just makes me have to; got to;MUST start looking out for MY best interest sometimes. I have a big problem with going out on the limb for people and helping them out while screwing myself at the same time. This has just recently happened to me...AGAIN, God is trying to teach me to put myself and my family and my business first. You can give these people diamonds and pearls and they will take them and walk away...never acknowledging what you have done for them. I guess that is why we don't do things for people; we should do things for God and He will reward me. I believe that is my lesson...motive...Don't look for them to appreciate me. They can't. But God can and he is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

My husband will be starting school again. He is so excited. I know he is going to do well and it won't take him very long. He is so smart and will make a great student. Bug will start his speech classes next year too. Hopefully, he won't need them too long. I must admit. I have seen big changes in the past couple of weeks. So I believe about 4 or 6 months will due, but we will let the Speech Therapist do his other job and determine what he needs. Wouldn't it be great if Bug gets a male SLP. He would relate a little better, but not very many men in speech pathology choose children, most choose long term care or adult voice...something more "medical".

 My brother in law will be heading to Afghanistan tomorrow to help rebuild the country. It will be very dangerous as terrorist are still at work. Please pray with me for his safe return home. Thanks for fighting for our country...Adrian and I will or should I say we will miss you.

I love my husband and I guess anyone who reads this blog knows that I have the most supportive and loving husband God has ever created. This Christmas showed that he has been listening to me all year. He purchased an e-reader for me. Something I never thought I would even enjoy. I like the feel of a book; the smell of it..but the e-reader is great. I have one that is in color. Lucky me. He also got the pearl ring, necklace and earrings that I wanted. Lil Fred....OH MY...did he get a great visit from Santa. He had all of his Thomas the Tank Engine Dreams fulfilled. I gave Fred a MP3 player and clothes. He was happy about his gifts. He really wanted a big flat screen T.V., but we decided to wait until we move. He wants a big one and our home is small.

I didn't get the new baby anything. I am waiting until the season changes to buy his clothes. He will be born during the later part of the Spring. So starting next month they will start putting out some of the Spring clothes. I will buy something then.

Fred already bought our black eyed peas, pork and cabbage greens for prosperity. He is going to cook it on Saturday. Yummy.

Well, I have to do some research. I have a lot to prepare for. I will write next year. Goodbye 2010. Thanks for the memories, victories and great lessons. Welcome 2011, I look forward to a great year.

OH BOY!

This week has been very restful. I didn't have to see any patients at my office, but I did have a few at the nursing home. The staff at the nursing home is so fun. That makes working there a big delight.

I got Bug signed up for an Audiological evaluation for mid-January and a speech and language evaluation set up for Early February. The difficult part will be getting him there, but he will get there every time he is scheduled to be there. We have Aetna insurance. I doubt if it will cover Fred's services, but I think the hospital can bill differently so maybe we won't have to pay TOO much out of pocket. It doesn't matter...anything to help my boy...anything!

Today was the big day, I went to my ultrasound screen. The tech was able to locate all of the baby's parts. And yes, there was an extra part sticking straight up in the air. I said at the same time as the ultrasound technician...It's a boy. Yes, Mia will have two boys. I think it is wonderful. Being honest...as you know I am. I had just a tinge of disappointment. I was really hoping for a girl. Fred was more disappointed than I was. Don't get us wrong, we are excited about our new addition, but we both just knew that this one was going to be a girl.  We wanted to have the experience of a girl..the bows, the dresses, the prom..you know girlie stuff. Well, I guess we could try again next year or the year after, but there are no guarantees that it will be a girl...so I guess the question is...Do I want to have three children??? I don't know. We are a middle class family. We have to pay "full strength" (as Fred says) for everything. We are not rich enough to just not care about the price of things, but we are not poor enough to receive any type of assistance. It turns my stomach when I pay my $130 per week for daycare and drive my 2008 Envoy when another person pays $25 a week and is driving a Cadillac. I kid you not. I have seen this happen at my son's daycare. I would be able to afford that too, if I qualified for government assistance. I am blessed to not have to use the government, but I wouldn't mind a break on some of my expenses. Help us out OBAMA! Okay, I will get off of my soap box. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, my new addition.

On the way home from the visit, I knew Fred was a little disappointed ( I could tell by his silence), so I asked him if he would like to try for a girl next year or the year after. He said that TODAY, he feels like two is enough, but he would have to make that decision after the baby is born and gets a little older, then he can make the decision. For me, It is up to him. It has always been up to him. I was never really the one that wanted kids.During my sophomore year in college, I decided that motherhood was not in the cards for me and I was just going to be a major U.S. tycoon (I was soooo dramatic then). But when I met Fred, I wanted kids because he wanted kids and  he made me believe in family. So if two is enough for him then that is what we will do.

The good thing is, the boys can share the room. I won't have to buy a lot of new items. He may hate it, but he will have tons of hand-me-downs. Thank God for my healthy new baby boy.

A full Plate

I only have five more months before my new addition will be here. It is not that far away. I am halfway through the pregnancy and have to make a lot of business decisions. I want to stay off work with my new baby as long as I can. I want to breastfeed as long as I can. With me being the main provider at my business, I think things will have to be cut short. It makes me a little nervous. Fred is starting school in January and that is another addition to our already full plate. I know that 2011 will be a great year, but with lots of changes. I am praying to God that He helps me to make the right business and personal decisions. I am continuing to find that these decisions are one in the same.

Frederick and I are going to sign Lil Fred up for speech and language therapy. Yes, I have felt he has needed some help for some time now. I am also in the process of taking him to a preschool and out of the daycare. He is very unintelligible and does not speak more that two word phrases. This is a delay. I want to put him in private therapy, but I don't have a place to take him in the area. I want him to be treated fairly, but with me being direct competition, I am not as comfortable with the possible therapy my son may receive. So, I am going to have him evaluated by the school system, but he may not qualify for services. I dont know if he is severe enough. If this is the case, I may have to take him out to Germantown, TN for services.

I miss running. I am almost mad at myself for not running during my pregnancy. With the placenta issues and just plain old fashion morning sickness, I stopped. I want to start back, but I don't know if I should. I will just stick to my prenatal DVD, but it gets boring.......

Explaining to Bug and I have a bug

For the last two weeks. I have been trying to explain to bug that mommy has a baby in the belly. Every so often during the day I would say, "Fred, mommy has a baby in the belly". He will just repeat me and then go back to playing with his trains. I continued to do this daily. Well, Monday, I went up to bug and I said, "Fred, mommy has a baby in the bell". He said, "Well, go lay down then, okay." Fred and I laughed so hard at Bug's response. He still doen't quite understand, but at least  he responded this time.

Haven't been able to see my clients this week. I have been ill. Sore throat, cough and aches. I really could push through, but I don't want to spread my yucky germs. So I cancelled sessions yesterday and will probably do the same for today. Hopefully, Thursday will be better. I am still going to go to the Christmas Play tonight at the church. I haven't been to a Christmas play in a long time and I think Bug will enjoy it.

Healthwise, I just received the book that I ordered. I am a little hesitant to read it. I have recently learned not to eat my seed, so when I read it. I must be a doer and not just a hearer or reader.

I went to the nursing home yesterday and saw a few patients. One of the workers lost her child and recently received the autopsy results. Her son died from SIDS at his daycare back in September. So everything is still new to her and hard to deal with and I imagine this will be the case for some years. She doesn't know me well, but found comfort enough in me to ask questions about God. I am so glad that she was able to see that in me. I want others to know where I stand and I am thankful that people see the love of God in me. She thanked me several times for talking with her and she felt that I helped her to feel better. I thank God for using me. That is a difficult situation and it is hard to find the right words, but God gave me words that she found comforting. Praise God for using me.

Don't eat the Seed...Mia

I learned this week not to "eat my seed". In my women's bible study class, we are studying the Psalms of Ascent. In one of the lessons, the text took us to the parable about the sowing of the seed. You know the one in Mark 4 that I was studying earlier. I never understood why God would teach me something or I could learn something, understand it, but not see the results, whether its weight loss or discipline or forgiveness, or self-esteem issues any of the areas I struggle with...its because I ate the seed. I never planted it or let it grow to full maturity. That was so enlightening to me. I don't know if it had an impact on anyone else in the class, but it sure opened my eyes to the reason for some of my road blocks in life. I just love learning more and more about God's way. I am consistently learning that we are all wrong about how we do things. God has a TOTALLY different system. From this point on, I am going to do my best to sew my seed. Meaning....obedience. total obedience.

When I went in to work today, one of my co-workers presented me with a book called Satan, I am taking my health back. It is written by an african american man who lost several family members to colon cancer. He has devoted his life to research, not just of health and nutrition, but to education and other topics based. He based his love for unrelated topics on the scripture "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It was so exciting. I am a little like, who am I kidding, I am a lot like that. I love different topics, those unrelated to my field of study. I often want to explore different subjects and study them and share what I have learned with others. I ordered the book and am anxiously waiting on its arrival.

Great Prenatal Visit; Great Thanksgiving

On Wednesday of this week. I went to my prenatal appointment. My assignment was to see where the placenta was. We have been praying and believing God for the correct placement of the placenta....well away from the cervix. The doctor checked the baby's heartbeat and sent me to ultrasound to see what was going on. The placenta was in a good place high in the uterus and well away from the cervix. Praise God! I also received a new picture of my little angel and he or she is so cute.  I also attended my women's bible study at the church that day. I took bug with me and they did not have children's church, so he was a handful. I still got a little out of the bible study, but he will have to stay at home with daddy next time.

I didn't do much cooking this year. I made some crockpot stuffing. Just to test it out. I wasn't going to take it anywhere, just for me and Fred. I am working on perfecting my stuffing. It turned out pretty good, not ready to be served to the masses, but good.

Yesterday, Thanksgiving day, we stopped at my sister's house, my brother, mom and dad were also there. Everything was nice. Then we headed to my in-law's. There was so much food. Soooo much food. Dinner was a little different at the in-laws. No one ate at the same time. There was no prayer or giving thanks and we did not draw names for Christmas (That is alright with me!!!), but we should have eaten together and we should have stated what we are thankful for. Other than those things, it was a good day and Bug had a great time playing with his cousins. Oh, the best part about Thanksgiving morning was the wake-up kicking from the new baby. He or She kicked me right out of bed. I guess he or she was ready to eat Thanksgiving food. I'll write later.

11/20/2010

Yesterday we took our yearly Christmas Pictures. We are a little behind. I usually have this completed by the very first of November, you can blame it on being preggers this year. But I did manage to get us scheduled for early yesterday morning. We were all dressed in jeans and burgandy shirts this year. Fred chose those colors and it looked great. Bug was sooooo cute. He just stole the show. Anyway, Bug did a better job of taking pics this year. He attempted to smile and said "cheese" when prompted. I would have posted the pics today, but J.C. Penny's has gotten smart, they don't send out the email anymore for ordering more pictures. I guess they know that we post those pics to facebook so they wanted to cash in. They offered to sell me a CD with the pictures on it for $150.00. When the salesperson offered that to me, I knew that I was not going to get my yearly email...tears :-( So we will just have to wait until I pick them up on the 29th and I will scan them.
After that we went to Oxford to visit the in-laws. Fred's aunts from Michigan are here for the holidays.

Healthwise, I feel great, the bleeding has stopped and I don't feel the cramping anymore. No more morning, afternoon and all day sickness. Now that I am in my second trimester, the only time I get nausea is when I let myself get too hungry. I have been praying to God and thanking Him for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I don't have to see kids this week, so I am going to step up my gym attendance this week. Very excited about that. Talk later. Bye world...time to get ready for church.

Just writing a little about 2010

Consistently inconsistent. My Oh My. There is so much that  I want to read and learn about God that I am having trouble focusing on which area I want to start with. I have to constantly remind myself that I don't have to rush. That God is willing to wait on me to get things together especially since I am making an effort to get to know Him better.

When I look at all my goals and what I want to achieve and all the people I want to help and learn to forgive....the main thing that I want to do is possess the character of God. I desire to be like Him. Nothing else really matters much to me. I have slowed my own progress for years trying to "fit in" and gain the approval of others. It upsets me to think how far I would have been in God had I not gotten mixed up with the wrong people and the wrong things in my past. I am not too upset, because it all made me the person that I am today. I wouldn't have the insight that I have if it were not for the things that I went through.

This has been one of the best, if not the best year of my life. My family is healthy and growing. We are expecting our second beautiful child. I accomplished a lot of goals this year by finishing a 1/2 marathon, growing my business, obtaining my fitness nutrition certification, joining sisters in motion, finding a church that the whole family enjoys, getting into great shape and learning that eat properly is more than just counting calories or points. It is about your relationship with God. Nothing can come before Him. I had to make food have the correct place in my life. That was a very eye opening experience for me this year. For Mia, it was all about putting God first and using His word to get the stronghold of food out of my life. Eat when you are hungry...Wow...that still blows my mind. I also learned this year that food was my way of not dealing with situations, once I began to let food have its proper place old hurts and old pains, unforgiveness and anger popped out of no where. I dealt with these issues, wrote about them, and was able to let it go. God also removed a lot of the people who were no totally in my corner this year. I was so surprised to find out who these people were. I would have never guessed in a million years, for some reason Fred knew, but I didn't. I have always been blind to people who actually care about me and I work hard for the friendship of those who would throw me under a bus if they had the opportunity. God is helping me to see the true hearts of people. I lost my Aunt San this year and what a loss it was. I will miss her laughter and wisdom. I will miss her desserts this Thanksgiving. I will never forget what she has taught me. Next Subject....

With the fatigue and symptoms of pregnancy, there has been weight gain. I would usually be devistated and angry with myself. Not only anger, but self-hatred and total unforgiveness. I would seek ways to punish myself for not maintaining my weight. I have now learned to be forgiving to Mia. I know that pregnancy is beautiful and temporary and that I will get back to my ideal weight as soon as my lovely baby arrives. It will be a lot easier this time because I understand how to put God first and that I will do.

I'll write later.

Big Scare, Bigger God

I went to the ER at Baptist Women's Friday of last week. I was bleeding and this is not what pregnant women are supposed to do. It began to worry me on Thursday. I would go to the restroom and see more and more blood. I called my Ob's office. They told me to go on bed rest for the weekend, take Tylenol and warm baths. I tried that Thursday night and went to bed. Fred had already decided if I was not feeling better in the morning that he would take me to the Women's hospital. Well, I kept bleeding and then the cramping came as well. I was a nervous wreck. Fred and I got up early the next morning took Bug to daycare and headed to the hospital. Luckily, I had been listening to Joyce Meyer's "Me and My big mouth" all week. I began to pay close attention to my words. I called all of my friends and asked them to pray for me during this tough time.
I began to pray. Even though I had faith in God, I was still upset and I didn't want to lose my baby. I began to cry. Once we got checked in, the nurse was very supportive and talked me through my fears, she explained that bleeding is not always the sign of miscarriage. I was still afraid, I never had any symptoms like these with my first pregnancy. We were sent to the ultrasound specialist who took pictures of the baby. He or she was moving and looking strong. The heart sounded great, but something looked "funny". I asked the tech what I saw and she said she didn't know.
After four hours of waiting, my physician finally called and stated that I had a low lying placenta that covered my cervix. This condition is called Placenta previa. She assured me that most of the time as the baby grows he/she will push the placenta away from the cervix and I should have a normal pregnancy and delivery. They sent me home.
Because babies are from God and God supports life, I went to my Supernatural Birth book that I bought with my last pregnancy and began to read the scriptures that support a healthy baby, birth and conception prayed and read these scriptures and asked God to stop the bleeding. I don't know how long it is supposed to take for the bleeding to stop, but here it is Sunday and that was just a few days ago and my bleeding has completely stopped. Praise God! My God is Bigger that my Big Scare. I will continue to have a healthy baby and healthy pregnancy and delivery.
Here are the scriptures that I have been and will continue to read over my baby. Maybe they will be a blessing to you to world:
Exodus 23:25-26
Deuteronomy 7:13
Malachi 3:10,11
Luke 1:41
Genesis 25:23
Psalm 139:13
Isaiah 44:2
Galatians 1:15
Jeremiah 1:5
There are tons more, but these can get you started. If you would like the book I am reading everyday, it is called Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize.
I'll write later world.

Two Children

I am starting to show now. I am actually glad 'cause now I have an excuse for all of this weight gain...LOL! There has been a major reduction in morning sickness and fatigue since I am now in my second trimester. Thank God for that. So, with that said I have been able to go to the gym.

Anyway, I have been trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I am going to be a mother of two. How do you split your time and your love? Am I really going to love the next baby as much as I love Bug? Will Fred and I still have time for each other? Will I be able to manage the business and the home and two babies? I am starting to get a little nervous. Will I still be a good mother?

Happy Birthday Bug, The New Baby....A Big Move.

Fred woke up early this morning (4:30am) to study some of the cities we are interested in visiting before we make our move in the next year of so. He is all about picking a place with great opportunities for a good education and employment and a low crime rate. I thought that he would be dead set on Texas, but he has been studying North Carolina a lot. To be honest, Charlotte looks really good as far as demographics ( great mix of people), national awards for their public school system. I can't wait until we go visit. The weather is great according to the weather report for the year. It doesn't get too hot or too cold there. I told him that we are going to take our time and make a wise educated move for our family. I want to choose a place where we can really make a home for our family.

Today is such a great day. Bug is now 3 years old and I met my new baby today through an ultrasound at my Ob's office. I didn't even think that I would get an ultrasound today, but she could not hear the heartbeat when she used her machine so she sent us to the tech to have an ultrasound. He or she is so cute.  We have a busy day today. We are going to pick Bug up early from school and take him to chuck-e-cheeses and let him play around and eat pizza. After that it is off to the store to buy a nice birthday gift. Well, I want to let you all see my new bundle of joy. Check out the ultrasound picture. Isn't he or she sooooo cute.

10/25/2010

This weekend, I dug up my old workout DVDs trying to motivate myself to get back at or should I say stay at it. But you all know me. When things are 100% all together...nothing is. After the terrible week I had last week, it is a miracle that I am even leaving my house. I ate well this weekend...okay, I had caramel cake, but other than that I did a really good job considering my eating pattern over the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy. I tell you, I know that I have gained about 15 pounds since I found out. I just subconsciously gave myself an eat-whatever-the-hell-you-want-to pass since this pregnancy was confirmed. Now, as for the gym, this has really been due to my morning sickness. I have been so fatigued and full of nausea in the mornings that I have not had any energy. I believe this is about to change though as I enter my second trimester I have heard stories of women who had managed to keep the nausea the whole pregnancy. I hope that I am not that woman.. Two of my most stressful stressers are now no longer a part of my life or business so I believe that my energy and focus level will change.

Fred and I discussed our plans after he finishes his schooling. He is so excited about finishing school. He has even been looking for different positions for those with bachelor's degrees. I personally would like to move. I mentioned this to him and he said he would be okay with that. We will see.

Anyway, I have decided to do another intense study on forgiveness and discipline. I am going to start by looking up every scripture in the bible that mentions forgiveness for the next couple of months. Once I feel I am ready to move to discipline then I will do that. Right now, I want to address some of the lifelong issues I have had in these two areas. I must remember that I have to stay in the word about these two subjects and others as well because I don't want to go backwards. I have made so much progress and God has done so much to help me get free in these areas, so I have to protect what He has given me by making sure that I seek Him in these areas.

I'll let you know how it goes...P.S. Bug is doing much better. That was the mildest case of chickenpox I have ever seen.

Until next time world.

Mia

The End

Lost a therapist to the schools today. Got chewed out by a parent that I have never met, ate too much today AND Bug has the chicken pox. The End.

Back on Track

Man, I exercised this week. Yes, I did. I didn't give what I have given previously this year, but I overcame the morning sickness and headed out in the mornings. It was difficult, but at the end of my now long days, it was worth it. I lifted weights which I believe is the most beneficial and boy are my muscles sore. I started back into my fitness kick.

Work wise, back on track, as of November 1st, I will be fully staffed at the office. I have a great enthusiastic team of therapist and office workers.

Fred is also getting back on track, he just received his readmission acceptance to the University of Mississippi. He is going for his B.B.A. I believe that he will finish this time. He seems extremely motivated and most of all more self-confident which I believe has been a road block the first couple of attempts. He doesn't have to worry. He has a bunch of supporters in his corner. Good Luck baby as you start your finish to your bachelor's degree in Spring 2011.

Today is the first ever 5k for the SIM. I will be there to volunteer. I don't know yet, what I will be doing, but I am there to help. I will not be running. First of all, the run is not really for the SIM it is for others who have signed up to participate. Secondly, I am not in running shape right now.

I never really got off track with my reading. I take that back, I have not been reading my Bible like I should have. I have been reading pregnancy books and health books. So time to get back on track for Biblical readings.

Man-O-Man, my second business venture has been on my mind heavy lately. I am itching to write the business plan soon. Should I start another project? Do I need ADD medication? I don't know. One thing at a time, Mrs. Mia. One thing at a time. But anyway, I am back on track.

For some reason, everything has to be perfect for me to stay on track. My next challenge to self: Stay on track when everything is out of wack. World, do you think I can do that???

My Bug is growing

Today, I have just been looking, staring and staring some more at my soon to be three year old son. I am so proud of him. He has been such a joy for me and for Fred. He is funny and smart and handsome and very, very respectful. He is even tempered like his dad and I can just see a great future in his eyes. I know there will be mistakes and disappointments, but I can see that he will be a great man of God, an honor to his future family and a great benefit to society as a whole. I thank God for my son.

We aren't going to have a big birthday party for him this year. We have just decided to have a party for him with just me and his dad. We want this one to be intimate because this is the last birthday that we will have for him as a family of three. As God has blessed us with a new addition due May 2011, we want to give him a lot of attention before the attention becomes divided. I love you, Bug. Thanks for being mommy's best boy.

What a Week!

Yesterday, I attended orientation at the church. I was not thrilled, because of some of the convictions of the church. I was in total agreement with the core beliefs of the church but I do have a problem with two of the three things that the church is against. Fred was on board with everything, so I follow my husband's lead and enjoy my new membership. I guess there is really no way to agree with everything. It brought to my memory why I was not interested in joining 5 years ago.

We went to our first official doctor's visit. I was excited. I knew that they were not going to do anything, but confirm my pregnancy, but I was glad to start a great journey of motherhood...again. They told me that I was about 6 weeks 3 days and that my due date is May 20th. How exciting!

Working out has been at a stand still. The fatigue has gotten the best of me so far. I have not been to the gym this week at all. I have set my alarm, prepared my gym attire every morning, but I just keep on sleeping through the 4:30 am alarm. Maybe next week will be better, something has got to give  because I am about to grow out of all of my clothes and I am only about 6weeks and 4 days pregnant. I won't blame all of this on pregnancy. I have not been running like I have been and I have not been eating as strictly as I have been. So with those factors, weight gain is bond to occur. Not going to stress though. Just going to continue to monitor my meals and exercise when I feel like it. I may have to start doing things in the afternoons or at night after work, because in the mornings I feel "blah" and I just haven't been successful at attending my daily workouts in the morning. Boy, I have to find a way to get it together. I don't want to gain too much weight.

On the job stress has almost taken the best of me this week. I had to release an employee do to a decrease in work performance and a lack of interest in growing with the company. It was a difficult decision personally, but an easy decision business wise. Oh well, the life of a business owner. I have a colleague who owns her own business and she told me that the more work and heart you put into your business, the easier it will be to let those go who don't have the best intentions for your business. She was right. My business will continue to grow and so will I.

This weekend we are going to Oxford for a birthday party for Fred's 85 year old aunt. I love surprises. Especially for those who have entered their golden years and are appreciated by their family members before they pass away.

One more work day...I am ready to see what God has for me next week. This week has really been educational....

Finally A Member

Today, Fred and I joined Brown Missionary Baptist Church in Southaven, MS. We have been visiting on and off for about 5 years. I must admit that I was the reason for the delay. I just wasn't sure 5 years ago. Fred always loved the church. We tried membership at another organization, but it wasn't for us. After over a year of my visiting and enjoying the services (2008-2010), we decided a couple of Sundays ago that we would officially join. Because Fred works on Sundays it has been difficult to coordinate a time in which he could attend one of the three services. He had to leave the house at 4:00am this morning to make it to the 11:30 service on time. So that is what we are going to do: Fred will attend two services per month at 10am or 11:30am which ever one he can. Bug and I will continue to attend the 8am service when Fred can't go and go to the later services when Fred can attend. That is our plan. I guess I need to ask God to show me which  ministry is right for me. I need one that I can really commit to being a part of. Now that I have started working a little more, it will be challenging trying to do it all, but God knows my heart and I will do what He leads me to do.

Health wise, I have been feeling pretty good. I still have a strong pull to start my compulsive eating group. I really need to do this. Can I do this while I am pregnant? Will people listen to me? I feel that this is something that I should do. To be honest, I know that I should do it. I am so afraid of what others will think. Will anyone be interested? If they are, will they continue to come. Will the "haters" mess with me and try to stop what I am trying to achieve? Will the attendees take me seriously  when I am still over my ideal weight? So many questions and doubts and insecurities. I have never really lead a group like this and definitely not a group that I plan on using scriptures and prayer along with nutritional information. I have to get the courage to step out there. I'll keep praying on it. You pray with me world. I need it.

Off to get ready for a great week this week. I am going on my first prenatal visit. I am so excited.

Back to the Group; blew a gasket!

This morning, I went to Shelby Farms with the SIMS. I had this weird feeling like I shouldn't be there because I hadn't been there, but it didn't take me long to get over that. The groups have been preparing for St. Jude as well as the other races that we have scheduled for the rest of the year. I didn't do much running this morning. I left my garmin watch, but I think I did about 5 miles. I walked/ran. I was feeling a little "blah". It wasn't nausea or any kind of pain...just "blah". I want to do St. Jude, but if I don't start feeling better soon, I may miss my training opportunity time. I don't have much time before December.

I destroyed the motor in my malibu. I had no idea that I was doing it.  A red light came on, while I was driving, but I figured I would tell Fred once I got home. I continued with my day. When I got home, I looked in the manual to discover that the red light was a "low coolant light". My dad said that I should have pulled over immediately once that light first popped on. We had a mechanic to look at it, but the engine is gone. The car is so old that it really isn't worth spending so much money. I love that car. I guess we will have to purchase another one soon because that was how Fred got to work. Oh well..that's life.

Women's Run 2010

I completed the women's run 10 minutes faster than I finished last year...and I am pregnant. What an accomplishment! It was an easy run and my gym  buddy Cedria finished her first race. Fred and Bug stayed in bed. I didn't make a big deal out of it like I did last year. Fred wanted to go, but I told him not to make a big fuss. He can make a big fuss next year when I finish my first marathon.

My cousin enjoyed reading the Roth book and wants me to send the other one. I have to read the one she just read, I haven't finished it. I sent it to her while I was in the midst of completing it, but it was so good that I wanted her to take it. I did finish the one that I am going to send her this weekend and it  was so good. I am also continuing to read the Orman book and Fred and I have been on a budget for two weeks. I am not going to put too much into it, but I feel like we have so much better control of things. I want this same control with food too. I think all things are about to become more balanced.

Bug still keeps getting these episodes where he will throw up. I don't understand. It always happens early in the morning, but in the late morning to afternoon he is fine. I am really starting to think he may need to have some tests run. I don't think it is just "normal" anymore.

Anyway, I have been feeling well. I have gained weight as you can tell from my pictures, but I am still in great shape. Things have been a little stressful at home and at work. I started a PRN job to make extra money for the time that I am going to be off work. I think this is a smart thing to do since I am the main therapist at this time for my business. Things are really working out thought. God is so good and opening so many doors for me, my family and my business.

From Bad to Good

This week started out pretty rough. I mean, I was stressed to the max. The situation with the new girls and their placement. I realized that that situation is out of my hands and after I attended the meeting Tuesday, I realized that I am a small fish in a big pond, so that contract will not be good for my company at this time. As we realized that this contract was not good for us, God gave us another opportunity. Yes! So we will be making a difference in a lot of children's lives.

What was the lesson this week. I don't know. I did the best that I could and was always honest with everyone from day one...so....it is what it is.... I will definitely be more knowledgeable next time. I know now what specific questions I need to ask. I know now who I really need to consult with and what I need to ask. I know now to move much, much slower. I know now to learn as much as I can about the organizations and programs that you deal with and the people that are in charge. I was mad at God for the way things turned out, but He is only protecting me and the company from a lot of heartache and disappointment. I hated the way things went, but a lesson...a valuable lesson was learned.

So, I was saying that a good opportunity opened up. I have my employees in place so my caseload is lighter. I will be able to find a little PRN or part-time job to save up for the baby. Isn't that good news. I want to stay off with him or her as long as possible so that means that I need to start saving about 3-4 months worth of "bills" money.

This week. I worked out three times. I didn't go today because I had a meeting and had to prepare for it. So when I woke up at 4:30am, I headed straight to my office and used my workout time to prepare for my meeting. I think that is okay. I haven't been so hard on myself for a while.

I need to get in contact with the SIM group. I have not attended a run in over a month. I have been so consumed with so many changes that I haven't met with the group or gotten any updates on what is going on. I'll find out.

I have a 5k Saturday, then I am going to attend the Family Picnic at the church. We may join this week. I am ready to. Fred has been ready since the first day he attended that church. I wasn't at the time.  But it is funny how God shows you what you need and then after you think you don't need it, He still is so merciful that He gives you another opportunity to get what you need ....He did that when I met Fred. We met a year before we started dating. God reunited us after one meeting a year before. I guess God was just letting me know who my husband was going to be. And when we reunited, we have never missed a day of talking to each other in eleven years. I met my best friend and didn't realize it and God gave brought him around again...full circle.

About the Baby, we are doing great. I have been feeling 'funny' but no nausea this week. I feel pretty good. A little tired at the end of the day, but nothing major. I am so excited about my new sweetpea. I can't wait to meet him or her.  Fred thinks that it is a girl. I don't know. I don't have a 'hunch" yet. Fred was right last time so he may have the inside track this time. I only have about 8 months to go.

What a good week :-)

Bug or is it??? Today the whole, now, me

Hello World,

Bug got sick this morning, so I was unable to go to church. I was a little disappointed, but I know his health is the important thing. It was that same type of sickness that he had for two weeks. It only lasted for about two hours today, but he threw up about 10 times. I am wondering if he needs to be seen by a gastrointorologist or however you spell it (the stomach doctor). I am starting to think that this is not just a stomach bug. I hope it is nothing too serious. Some good news about Bug. He is fully potty trained in only two weeks. Can you believe it! All it took was the daycare moving him to the room with the older kiddos. The peer pressure pushed him right into "potty" mode. Now he will ask to go or either go on his own. I am so proud of him. I know he is not one of your early potty trained kids, but at least he did it before three years old and that was my goal.

Speaking of stomach, last week was tough. The nausea was to the max. I even had headaches. I worked out three times last week. I only ran two miles last Monday. I JUST HAVEN'T BEEN FEELING LIKE IT. I have been feeling yucky and extremely tired. Once I get home from work, I am out. I have gone to sleep every night last week without even knowing it. My husband has had to wake me up and tell me to go to bed. So I have to give myself and 'F' for effort for last week :-( To top it all off, I ate whatever I wanted. This is going to be more challenging than I thought.

I have been reading the pregnancy and running book. The first three chapters have been about pre-pregnancy care. Its okay, I guess, I will keep reading. I am also reading a Suze Orman book. I want to get a better understanding of money and money matters for my kids sake (notice I said kids). I want them to have a better financial future than I did when I became an adult. So I want to learn how to teach them how to manage their money. So that means I will have to learn how to better manage mine and not leave it for someone else to do. Thanks be to God that I have an honest accountant who manages my books (for my business) or I'd be in trouble.  I really don't like dealing with the ins and outs of money. I feel so ignorant that I just run as far away from it as I can. I have even ignored bills so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I know what you are think. "She is crazy ignoring bill and ignoring balancing her checkbook etc." But when you have been where you don't have enough, looking to see what you don't have is painful.

Check out Proverbs 31. I read that several times last week. I strive to be that woman. I believe I have a lot of her characteristics. I am working to develop more of them.

Because I am about living in the "now" I have to get rid of that old, "later" or "tomorrow" thinking. I am getting control of things "now", "today".  So today, I am taking better control of my health, finances and getting more organized. This is health at its essence---- Becoming a WHOLE person.

I haven't talked to my husband much this weekend. Fred becomes a zombie during football season. I think it is so cute (sometimes it is annoying). He loves football. He knows everything about it and all the players. He is a true fan. Anyway, college football is Saturday and NFL is on Sunday so I had better find something to do on the weekends. I watch it with him at times. He has taught me a lot about it so it is interesting to me now. Well, I guess I will catch the rest of this cowboys game with him. Wish me luck on this week of health and wholeness. I'll write later.

Baby...Oh...Baby

Hello World,

I have taken 6 pregnancy test in the last 72 hours. I just can't wrap my mind around that fact that I am actually going to be a mother again. I have been feeling "different" for the last two weeks and even suffered nausea when I visited Nashville on the 27th of August. I am so excited, but a little concerned about how busy I am. This pregnancy will be different because I had an easy job with Bug. It wasn't stressful and I didn't have as much responsibility as I do now. I know that is can be done because I have a colleague in Memphis who has a private practice and had a baby since she has been in business....if she can do it, I can too.

I ran twice last week and walked and strength trained, but I have still stopped "dieting". This has lead me to eat a lot of things that I mentally considered forbidden. The weight gain has caused me to be ashamed and angry with myself. I have noted all of the feelings and they are so not true. If I weren't so embarrassed about some of the things I have told myself I would list them here. But the fight is to NOT believe these things. I am still the same person no matter what and at whatever size or stage I am in my life I deserve to be loved and respected by myself and others.

With it being Labor Day, I am off work, but I have to visit Jackson, MS tomorrow so I am not seeing kids. So, I have decided to go with what works. My menus. They kept me organized and it allowed me time to think about other things besides food. I truly hate to be bound by the menu, but this is what is going to help me get back on track at least for now.

I don't think that it will be wise to attempt St. Jude full at this time because of the dehydration factor and the fact that I have never run a full before. Maybe I would do it being pregnant if I had done one before. I am interested in the 1/2 marathon, but it is full.

So for the remainder of the year I have the Women's Run, SIM 5k, Race for the Cure and I have St. Jude (or not). I have a plan to run at least 6 miles 3 x a week for as long as I can during this pregnancy. We will see what the little sweetpea will let me do. I'm off to the store to buy my baby his or her first gift. This is what we did when we found out about Bug. So I am going to do the same for  this baby.

My book choice right now is: Runner's World Guide to Running and Pregnancy. I'll let you know if it is informative. My cousin is in the process of sending me Breaking Free and I am going to send her When Food is Love. We are both going to get on the waiting list to attend the Geneen Roth retreats some time next year...We are on our way to total freedom.

 

8/25/2010

Bug is just now starting to get over this stomach virus. We have been to Le Bonheur a total of 3 times and a visit to the physician's office. I feel that the end of this is near. He had been able to attend school this week because he has been able to control his "runny" stool. I am so glad it is coming to an end.

Well, I haven't written in so long...there has been a lot that I have been thinking about, feeling, expressing and doing since I last wrote, but I can sum it up with this....WOW! Healing and forgiveness is not an easy thing, but it feels good to begin the process.

Illusions and imaginations make you so much stronger than you are in reality. I can say and be anything in an illusion or in my imagination. In my dreams of being thin, I can do anything, say anything, be anything...I'm a great singer, a poet, a writer, eloquent speaker, a better therapist, lover, friend, mother when I imagine myself thin. I don't take crap from people when I imagine a thin Mia.I tell all of those people who I didn't ave the courage to confront a thing or two when I imagine the thin Mia. The thin me is not afraid of anything. No one ever hurts her and gets away with it...I imagine women who want to be married or dream of the perfect man have the same illusions and imaginations...When I get a husband, then I can do this or that. I won't feel like this when I find my husband. I won't have to do that anymore once I get a husband. I have learned as stated in previous posts..that the dreams or the imagination or the illusions of being thin far out weigh the actual "being thin". That is why I have unconsciously sabotaged my efforts SO many times. I enjoy thinking about "when I get thin" because of how empowering "thin" is in my imagination. But once I get to thin or really close to my definition of thin I unconsciously realize that the "thin" Mia is still wounded and angry and needs to be accepted and loved just like the "fat" Mia needs acceptance and searches for love. I guess if I am truthful, "thin" is a mask for not loving myself in the present. This is another attempt to avoid dealing with now and how I feel about Mia now. She is not worth loving while she is overweight. I will love her when she does this.... That is so not the way of God. What if God waited until we got it together before we came to Him? We would never get to Him that way 'cause we will never clean up enough and who judges "clean"? How would you know if you are truly clean or just what your definition of clean and righteous is? I am developing the ability to love myself just like God loves me. Just as I am. Come as you are.

For the past two weeks of course I have been nursing my son back to health and running my business, but health wise, I have stopped. Yes, I have stopped being so hard on myself. No more strict stuff. I just took a break from my eating schedule from my working out. I just gave myself a break. I don't know how long I am going to do it, but I want to let myself know that I am okay just like I am. I am continuing to learn to love Mia right where she is. I am learning not to be so hard on her. I am letting her know that it is okay to color outside of the lines sometimes. I am giving that child (little Mia from the past) permission to come out of that dark hole of fear, loneliness, rejection and lack of support that she learned from her parents and live; knowing that nothing was her fault. I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment that I received and I can't expect anything now except for what I can do for Mia now-today-in the present.

I am preparing mentally for St. Jude. With my work obligations, I have not formally met with SIM of my former TNT members. I have been working out on my own. Tomorrow, I am cross training. Starting Monday of next week, I will start my intense training. I am ready and excited.

Bug's Bug

Bug is still sick. I have missed three days of work. The next three days are going to be very busy with make-up sessions (yes, Saturday too). He went back to Le bonheur today. We just wanted to be sure that we covered all bases when it came to his nausea, vomitting and diarrhea. They said that it is just a bacterial stomach thing and thatit has to run its course. The physician said that this is very common. He will miss daycare tomorrow, too. Fred is off work so he won't have a problem staying home with him.

Get well Buggie. Mommy misses your smile.

5 miles in the am. Off to get rest.

Neglecting God

I have been neglecting God. Yes, this is my truth. I do not want to do what He wants me to do. I want to do this on my own. But Trying to do this on my own never pays off. I as controlling that way. I want to get all the credit. I want to have all of the control. Control! Control! Control! Even over things that there is no way for me to control. I want to have my hands on it.

Giving control to God just may prove to be devastating...I mean, I don't know what He is going to do. What if something happens that I can't handle? What if I don't get what I want after spending time with Him? What if He asked me to do something that I don't know how to do or don't want to do? What if it is not what I think it will be at the end of trusting Him? The reasons above are all the reasons why I neglect my time with God. This has lead to major "falling" off the wagon. following His lead has lead me to "feeling" things that aren't very pleasant. Things that I had buried and did not want to ever deal with. For some reason, God wants me to deal with these things. Can't we just stick to diet(food) and exercise (calories burned). Do I really have to deal with why I don't value myself and why I have this need to control and why I have built these walls of protection that I won't let ANYONE into and why I use food as my drug of choice to numb this pain. I haven't been as tempted to drug myself with a box of donuts until I started dealing with myself and what Mia needs. Do we really have to do this??? I mean really??? Mia needs: Love, appreciation, recognition, friendship. She didn't get it as child. She still craves it and uses food to replace those needs. I didn't have a voice as a child, but I was able to eat whatever I wanted. You can sit here and ride in the car while I take you around the country for no reason, the only way to get out is to ask for something to eat (whether you are hungry or not). You can listen to me scream at you, your siblings and your mother all day and all night. If you want relief pretend that you want something to eat. You can't go outside and play, but you can eat whatever you want. You can't attend this function or participate in this, but you can eat these french fries.  You don't have an opinion, your messages mean nothing, you have to stop doing anything that might make you look better than me, but you can eat this bar-b-Que I just cooked.

I didn't realize how bad I was in pain. I didn't realize how arrested my development has been. I am trapped in the past and have based every one of my present and future goals on protecting myself from past hurts occurring again. I haven't let anyone know the real me because I am afraid that if you meet her, you will leave her or laugh at her, ignore her or devalue her...especially if she is overweight. I have a list of things that I am going to do once I meet my weight loss goals. I have a list of rewards for losing weight.What I don't have is a list of ways/ things that I can do for myself now. Right Now! Even as an overweight person in the process of getting healthy. What does she deserve? Is she special? Can she be valued as an overweight person?

I can. I am valued. I am special. I am forgiving. I am truly loved by the people who are 100% in my corner. Not just those that are here for convenience, I doesn't neglect God. God, you have my time and my undivided attention. I hear You and I thank You for showing me where I need and who I need to forgive so that I can receive forgiveness as well.

Brace face: St. Jude: Family Bond

Hello World,

I guess for the last five years or  more, I have been thinking about getting braces. I have been uncomfortable with my smile for awhile, but I just felt like the cost and the effort was too much to bare. Its one of the many things that I felt I didn't deserve until I got to the "perfect" weight. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a list of things that I am going to do for myself when I get to blank size. Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. You have that list too : )  As I get my mind right, I have decided to go ahead and have a consultation today. I have a list of questions for the orthodontist and I must admit I am a nervous wreck. Do I even deserve to have braces? Will it help me? Is it a waste of time? Will my speech change? Even with these fears, I am heading to the orthodontist.

I had an interesting weekend. I didn't get a chance to go to my employee's wedding because I was at Le bonheur with my son. Yes, he still has that stomach bug. I took him because he didn't seem to be getting better. When we got there they gave him a freeze pop and sent us home. LOL! $250 copay for an ER visit without admission. What an expensive freeze pop. Bad thing about it is he didn't eat all of it. Anyway, I didn't take him to daycare today, because he still has runny stool and they won't take him with that. So I had to cancel my clients again. This is just part of being a mother. I roll with the punches and let God take care of the rest.

Health wise, I have been in a major funk. Major. If I look deep and tell myself the truth, this is what my problem is...I just realized that I can't fix my family. Yes, I realized that I was running myself crazy trying to fix the relationships that have developed negatively in our family. This all stems from the abuse and the lies and the hoarding and the neglect and denial, but I have been trying to make a "normal" family for years. I tried to established a relationship with my sister, that didn't work. I tried to help my mother see that she doesn't have to live the way that she does. To let her know that she is not a prisoner...that didn't work. I tried to tell my dad how he has hurt our family by being dishonest and abusive, but that didn't work. I tried to have Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings...that didn't work. After the Little Rock situation, I realize that there is nothing that I can do if they don't want to do anything. Don't get me wrong. I have been a harsh and self abusive-food addict and critical and judgemental and isolated perfectionist. I have asked God to show me where I can improve and he showed me those things about me. I am a natural "fixer". I want to "fix" things and make things right. I want people to do right and treat others right....that's not going to happen. People are who they are and the only one I can make do right is me. I have been working on eating and living in the now this past week. It was a little more difficult. I was able to do it for the first part of the day, but when the stress comes, then comes my compulsions. I lose it. This week. I am living in the now, with a daily schedule. Not weekly, but just daily. We will see if this is more manageable.

My cousin came down this weekend. We had a great time. We are SO alike. It is amazing. I let her borrow my Breaking Free book. She struggles with emotional eating as well. She is the oldest child and also comes from an abusive home. I wasn't finished with it, but I knew that she would enjoy it. I wanted her to take it with her. I told her how I still struggle because even though I got a lot of the physical weight off; the emotional weight still remains. So, with God's help, I am becoming more free everyday and I know she can too. We have a great bond that was broken when we were younger by my father's need to isolate our family from others. We began to rebuild our relationship and that bond is stronger than ever. It saddens me to think of all the years I missed sharing with her, but NOW we can continue to bond.

St. Jude. I have to get in the St. Jude mind set. I have still been running. Not everyday, but I do about 5 miles 3 x a week. I have gotten a little lazy because I am in a funk. This morning, I didn't run because Buggie is sick, but I will lift weights this afternoon, once I leave the office...yes, bug can't go to daycare,but he is going to the office with mommy to do paperwork. Can't waste the day doing nothing. Anyway, I have been waiting on the SIMs marathon schedule, but we have not received one. I am going to print one off the Internet and get started, I need a full five months to train. I want to finish strong so now is the time. I am still running the women's run, but I probably won't go to the trainings...too hot. I have the SIMs run in October and the Susan G. Komen run in October. After that, St. Jude marathon. I want to complete a 26 miler before the actual marathon. That way mentally, I will have already run that distance before. I know that is what helped me in Nashville, I had run further than 13.1 so the 1/2 marathon was a breeze. I am going to use that same strategy for St. Jude. Well, I'll write later. I'll let you know if I am a candidate for braces or not.

Freedom

Haven't written for a while. I have been busy with the business and attending revival at church. Which has been awesome. Going again tonight. Anyway, this morning I have been thinking...Here it goes....

The Apostle Paul talked about our freedom as Christians. He indicated that we were free to do what we want, but we should not do things that may cause ourselves or others to sin (paraphrasing, misquoting, everything). I have been thinking about freedom. Real freedom from my struggle with Mia (body image, self-esteem etc.) since the start of this journey. Through readings about leadership, influence, diets, and the rules for healthy living, It is starting to become very clear to me. We have to allow ourselves to be free from the struggle with food. No restrictions. That means that I will one day be able to eat what I want. Truly want.

What do we desire most? The things that we think we can't have or the things that we think we can't do. Its not just related to food. You see it in everyday life. People steal, cheat, lie and overeat all because they want something that they feel they can't have or don't deserve. So when you get into "compulsive mode" you let down your guard and get the very thing that you have been restricting. Money. Its not a bad thing. We need it to function in the world, but when we use it for the wrong reasons. For what it is not designed for. It becomes the root of All evil. Food is the very same way. We need food for nurishment. We need food for our bodies to function. So when we eat when we are not hungry, we misuse it. I guess I really truly don't want it because I am not hungry. What is it that I really want? I want to be loved, comfortable, and accepted. Can we do that for ourselves? With true Freedom....we can. That's why God has given me "motives" to focus on. What is my motive for eating this food? What do I really want from this or that? Just stopping and asking myself things and having the belief that I am going to tell myself the truth will prevent a lot of heart ache. I don't have to met the expectations of others. I can do what I want to do in line with God's will. I can be free to be me. No calorie counting, no point counting, no workout legalistic ridged rules....freedom.

Anniversary and vacation..One wall identified

My anniversary was so simple and sweet. Fred and I didn't go anywhere or do anything but look into each others eyes. We exchanged cards and small gifts. We laughed at ourselves and acknowledged our growth and need for each other. We reflected on our six years together. Yesterday, we celebrated Noah's first birthday. It was very fun and he had a great time too. Happy Birthday, Noah.

 All of our backup babysitting "fell through" so we had Bug with us all weekend. That was okay. We had a great time. We will spend the rest of the week together. I will not be working too hard this week.

Health wise, I am becoming more free. Truly free. I am starting to see my errors. I haven't been able to see them. I thought the world was against me. I thought I was alone. I was mad at God for making me this way. For making people abandon me. Food was the only thing that I could control because everything that I have ever loved has abandoned or rejected me. Food is here. Even if temporary, it is here with me. Now that I am checking my motives and truly seeing myself, I can see where I have made tons of errors towards myself. I have been so hard on myself. Too hard. As stated in previous post-perfection was what I crave. Being hard has caused hardness toward others. So today I am loving my neighbor as I love myself. So, I am starting with me. Truly loving me, giving myself a break. Even over this last year of weight loss and exercise, I have been too hard on myself. Never truly leaving room for error. If I messed up or missed a workout, OMG!! Mia must pay dearly. I finally see it. I have identified the reason for my love of isolation, my desire for food. It is so safe. Unconsciously, I have been waiting to return to my safe place. After all this time and energy and effort and weight watchers and races and running groups, I have been secretly waiting to get back to the life that I had know before. But I swore to myself that I would be free from overeating. So I can't go back and I will get there.... to my freedom. I  see now that I am just as addicted to fighting the weight loss battle as I was to overeating itself. I am just as addicted to the success and the failure of weight loss the need to be working on "getting there" and never truly getting there. If I blame the weight on everything, then I don't have to deal with the "real" issue of self-hatred and the feelings of rejection and stress and anxiety. Oops, Mia you have been exposed. That is what I thought gave me an excuse; a reason to hide. These walls are coming down. One wall identified and in the process of being torn down. Way to go, Mia.

I am preparing my mind for St. Jude. Next month my training begins. I want to finish strong and to do this, I will have to be strong mentally. So, I must begin to become very disciplined in all things. Discipline is the word for everyday.

Tonight, I am writing my menu and cleansing my mind to begin the meditation process and prepare for my master cleanse on Sunday. Back to the basics. St. Jude finish line here I come.

Now, Me II

My post are about to be a lot less messy. I just learned how to spell check and edit. YEA, Me! Plus, I found out how to change the setting to where you guys can leave posts without being members. So let me know what you think of my thoughts. Critique my posts.

Okay, I didn't write last night because I picked up the Roth book and I completed it. Breath taking...It was so honest..so real..so true. It is a must read for anyone who obsessively eats when they are not hungry. I have lots of people ask me how I lost weight. I tell them about working on me to overcome my binge eating. They really don't want to know the real way I lost weight. They want me to tell them Weight Watchers, or Surgery or Some pill, but if I feel like it, I tell them that it started with Weight Watchers..along with seeking out God-My Father-My creator diligently.  They say..."oh, I don't have that problem. I just eat too much bread." or whatever they don't mind admitting that they do. There as so many self-deceived overweight people. Listen IF YOU ARE 100 POUNDS OVER YOUR IDEAL WEIGHT, IT IS MORE THAT YOU JUST LIKING BREAD. I know them very well. I used to be that person. But when I looked into the definition of Binge Eating from the DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria, I fit right in. Check it out:
First, what is a binge? Binge= 1. Spree 2: an act of excessive consumption (as of food) {Webster's New Dictionary of the English Language New Edition}
Okay, we already know what eating is...but for those of you who need this, here is the definition of eat :)
Eat= 1: to take in as food; take food 2: to use up: devour 3: corrode{Webster's}
One more for the clarification of disorder.
Disorder (noun)= 1: lack of order; confusion 2: breach of the peace or public order; Tumult 3; an abnormal physical or mental condition; ailment{Webster's}
Disorder (verb)=1: to disturb the order of 2: to disturb the regular normal functions of {Webster's}

With those definition to clear things up, here is what a Binge Eating Disorder is characterized by the Mental Health professionals.

Binge Eating Disorder-DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria

A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating, characterized by both of the following:

1.  Eating in a discrete period of time, an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would   eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances
2. Sense of lack of control over eating during the episode

B. The binge eating occurs, on average, at least 2 days a week for 6 months.
          The binge eating is NOT associated with the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behavior
C. Binge-eating episodes are associated with at least 3 of the following:

1. Eating much more rapidly than normal
2. Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
3. Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry
4. Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating
5. Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating

D. Marked distress regarding binge eating is present
Note: binge food are typically high in fats, sugars or often both

After obtaining this definition of binge eating disorder, I was able to identify what was going on with me. I probably realized I was a binge eater when I was about 13 or at least I knew there was a problem, but I didn't confess it until I was 27 years old at my job, during our lunch break (we would sit in the therapy room, eat lunch and talk for about two hours) in front of people who had no emotional connection to me. I just wanted to let it go and these people were the perfect ones to let it out to. They don't know me. They don't care about me...so here it goes. I don't remember how we got on the subject. Someone said something about losing weight. To them weight is nothing. It is a few pound here. I nip or tuck there. They don't know what "weight" is. I believe that one other co-worker probably could have related, but she was so trapped in her lies that she didn't even know that she was in the world. " I am a binge eater." I said. They all just looked. One asked, What do you mean? I said, I eat in a two hour period what most people could eat in two days. After, I get off work at 3:30, I go home and eat as much as I can until I can't take any more. I could barley breath after this confession. They did give a rats *&%! I was so relieved. I finally confessed it. To strangers who never even knew Mia Cole. But I did it. Oh, I forgot, when I first met Fred. He met me between sizes (You know during one of the hundred times I lost 30 pounds) He met me when I was minus thirty. We reconnected a year later and I was in the process of putting the weight back on. Once we started dating, I mentioned to him that I had a weight problem, but I don't think I was really confessing then. I was just trying to let him know as much about me up front so that he could make an educated choice. I didn't want to hide from him. I wanted him to know. This was the beginning of my being open with someone I wanted to get close to. My point in all this is everyone has something.Yours may be cigarettes or sex or shopping (or all of the above), but you have something that keeps you from dealing with YOU and YOUR emotions. Something that makes you want to run away from it all. Some way of escape. Something that keeps you from getting into a closer, personal, deep relationship with God. Don't take the bait. That is what Eve did. She took the bait and it separated us from God. She felt like God was holding out on her. "Sooo, I will know good and evil..huh!" I guess we can try this forbidden fruit, baby.

God loves you. He created you and He knows exactly what we need. He is not going force us to come to Him. We have to decide to. Through His word, he will let us know what is right; what is wrong.Then He tells us to Choose Life. I think I like that he does things like that. I used to wonder, why did He give us choices. He wanted a relationship. Not a bunch of fake robots. He wanted to fellowship with real people; with real emotions. So he gave emotions to us-to feel-to work through. Not to run from.

I have decided to stop running from Mia. As I have written before, it is not about 'food'. It has never, ever been about food. It is not about food for you. It is about "not pretending". It is about "not being who 'they' told you you were". It is about "feeling what you really feel". It is about truly loving yourself. The Bible says in several places, but we will go with Matthew 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. So it looks like we need to love ourselves to be able to love others. We have to see ourselves like our Father sees us, how he created us to be. Before the hurt of the planted seeds of destruction who did God create you to be. Find that person. Don't believe the lies of your mind. Find the truth, your truth, God's truth through looking in the mirror (His word) by studying and following the Holy Spirit. Look where it has gotten me. It has and continues to be a bumpy, long, slow, changing rode, but the Now, Me would not change this course God has set before me for a Quadrillion Billion Million Dollars :)

Now, ME

Man O Man was it hot last night during the Women's Run. Boy, I thought I was in shape, but gosh those elements. The intermediate II group completed four miles at Shelby Farms. I saw a couple of my SIM sisters participating in the program as well. The run was really challenging. It was like I hadn't run before. I know it was because of that heat. It felt like 100 degrees out there. I enjoyed every minute :)

I brought my IPOD, but I decided to enjoy the moment and not try to escape it. I didn't leave my body or try to find another "zone". I stayed and enjoyed the moment. I listen to my feet hitting the pavement. I felt my legs jiggle. I felt my stomach bounce up and down. I was me and I appreciated me and my body (even if it was just for that moment). I looked at the other women, I didn't compare. I didn't try to "straighten" up when they came passed or speed up or do something that my body didn't want to do. As I looked at the other women, I watched them talk and listened to their breathing. I listened to my own breath. I heard the birds, the trees moved with the wind. I heard the sun yelling at us to "Run, Run". I think I will attempt to run more without my IPOD. I have become used to using music. Let's see how I grow without that distraction and just enjoy the run.

I don't know if I told you or not, I'll have to check the other posts, but I am reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. She is not a Christian at all. She is so raw and honest that previous attempts to read her writings have lead me to drop the book like a hot potato. They were too deep, too real. I wasn't ready to face the truth about my obsessions and compulsions. This has been an excuse of mine not to read her book. She is acutally buddist I believe, however, she has mastered compulsive eating, by becoming one with herself and not trying to escape who she is. I don't know if this is a Buddist or meditative principle, but it is definitely something that I believe God wants us to do as Christians. I am reading her book and applying it to what I know about the word of God. I am looking in her words and finding God's truth right inside each page.

Based on what I am reading, I am discovering the lies that were told to me or the ones that I believed about myself and my body. I am only going to overcome compulsive eating by love. Love never fails. It keeps going forever. This spirit of compulsive eating has never left me. It had been hiding in my lies. It had been hovering over me in fear. I can feel myself at times slipping back into old habits whenever things and people aren't perfect so I am digging as deeply as I can. I have to find out what the real problem is. Mia needs to be appreciated and loved by Mia. I have to ignore the lies that have been told to me about Mia. I can't be that 5 year old that got hurt by mommy and daddy or that 19 year old that was dumped, rejected and humiliated. I can't be that lonely 23 year old. I can't live in the past and based my future on past events and fears. I have to live in the now and enjoy the now. Okay...now I have to go on a home visit, but I will definitely finish this conversation later.

Journey Change,Walls assessed;A good shepard

Hey World,

Have you noticed how my posts have changed? At the beginning of this journey, it was all about my weight loss. It was all about food and how to control portions and count points, calories, fat grams. It was about weight watchers and learning to make healthier snacks. It was about finding the right positive quotes and scriptures. It was about races and exercise routines. It is definitely still all about that, but  I have reach the point to where I know the physical part, but I am a spirit. I live in a body and I have a mind, but I AM A SPIRIT. I know the counting calories and stuff, now I want to really shake this emotional monkey so that when the storm of stress hits, I don't ride the food wave. What is this inside that feels that food can "fix" it. Food can't fix anything...only for a brief moment. Okay....

I went to Brown Baptist church this morning...just when I was about to try another church out. It was soooo one point. The pastor spoke on Reasons to Celebrate. He talked about planning, praying, knowing God's promises and having people in your corner to agree. This was exactly what I needed to hear today...Yes, I have heard it a billion times, but today it was needed. I accepted it. I challenge myself to do what I heard this morning.

After a great church service, I went to the store with Bug to visit Fred. Fred's 36th birthday is tomorrow and we are just excited to spend as much time with him as we can. He used to get so depressed around his birthday. For all the years that I have known him (10 years), about a week before his birthday, Fred is the saddest man in the world. I used to think, how can someone be depressed when they are blessed with another year. I don't understand that and he has never been able to vocalize these feelings. He just can't explain it to me. But this year, yes this year, he has not been depressed. I mentioned it to him on Wednesday or Thurdsay. I said to him this is the first year that you have not been depressed. He smiled so sweetly and gave his nervous laugh that he does when he is put on the spot. I praise God that he is not upset this year. We don't have anything planned for his birthday. Bug and I bought some cologne, cake and cards. Next week, we are taking a vacation at the end of next week and we will both return to work the first week of August. Okay..back to my emotions conversation. While in church this morning....

I had a mental picture of the emotional walls that I still have built in my life.It was so vivid. I thought they were gone, but  I saw it today while I was in church. I thought it was unforgiveness, but it is fear. Because I have forgiven, but I am still afraid. I think God showed them to me in this way because it is time to feel my emotions. It is time. Time to deal with Mia. Time to feel Mia. Time to stop living in the box. Time to stop hiding. Time to let others know how great I am and let myself know how great I can be. I think that I am going to draw the picture. I am going to study what each wall has meant in my life, why I built it. From whom or what was I protecting myself from? I am working hard to tear them down and attack them head on. The wall that I'd built against a true friendship and intimate relationship with God is coming down. I am not afraid of that anymore. I am not afraid of answering His call on my life.  As I stated in previous posts, I have always had a hunger and desire for God (as we all do). I was taught (as many of us are) that God is waiting to punish us. Never was the intimate-personal-relationship made as important as doing the right thing to not make God mad was. So here I was trying to be "good". I wanted to be "good" at all times. I am still that way now. I want to always play by the rules. If I got outside the box or colored outside the lines, I am a nervous wreck until I get back in line. Never do I give myself room for error. I must be perfect. My relationships have to be perfect. The people in my life have to be perfect. It's all tied to fear of failure with them, fear of them knowing that I hurt. I can't show this hurt because it doesn't exist.  When I was younger, I felt like the world was on my shoulder. I'm a preacher's daughter they were waiting on my to be wild. I felt I had to prove that I was not wild. I want to control everything so that it stays perfect or maybe it is so that I can prevent it from failing. My plans have to be perfect, the people in my plans have to be or I am a failure. WHAT A LIE! I can't believe that I have wasted so much time believing these lies. I have been believing in perfectionism for a long-long-long-long time. I am working on believing in relationships. First with God and then with those he has blessed me to know in the future and those who have been there in my past. Today, I stop this lie in my life. It's done. I am beginning a new chapter as it relates to letting Mia feel her emotions. I don't mean just telling the truth to others, but continuing to be honest with myself about how I feel on a daily basis. When I am stressed. I will feel the stress. I will manage it and let it go. I am not going to ignore it or eat it away. I am going to feel it.

I will once and for all stop using food to "not" deal with my emotions, and in the place of food, I am not going to use fear and self doubt. I have to feel my feelings. I can't begin to tell you how to do this. I have trouble feeling them. I know that I have flaws. I know that I have hurts, but I am working on feeling those hurts, embracing those flaws...Lord, how do I do that! I was told as a young girl that my feelings don't matter. I was told that I am not likeable. I was told that I didn't have an opinion. I was told that I don't have friends. I was told that my family doesn't love me or care for me. My mother tries to pretend that these things never happened or that things were not as they seemed to me. I know what I felt or what I should have felt. These same walls built at an early age have gotten so high that I can't see over them now as an adult. They have built in my relationship with my immediate family...I mean: my sister, brother, dad and mom. The goal of our household was to separate from others. This caused us to be separate from ourselves. It created in me personally:  self-hatred, distrust (of self and others), social anxiety, and a lack of communication skills as it relates to feeling and expressing myself. It has caused me to shut-down and not deal with life head on. It has caused me at times to give up on people and myself.

Have you ever heard people say trust the Lord? Have you ever done it? I mean not after he has done something, but before He has done it. Have you ever really trusted Him? I mean put everything on Him. Casting all of your cares. Have you ever freed yourself enough to do that? Can you let go of that kind of control?

Read This:

The Lord is my shepard. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows. He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will lie in the house of the Lord forever. Psalms 23 (NLT)

The Day...a mixture of topics

I just looked at my goal list for 2010 and for the first time in a few years, I have completed over 1/2 of the list before the end of the year. I have gotten to a healthier weight, I work out everyday, completed the country music marathon I eat right (most of the time), I have met my employee hiring goals for the year of obtaining a CF, I spend more time with God, Fred and Lil Fred, and I completed my specialist in fitness nutrition certification. I still have a few major things that I want to complete before the end of the year....getting to my healthy weight of between 155-165 pound, completing a FULL marathon (ST. Jude), completing my certified fitness trainer course, participating in a program or developing a program to assist others with weight issues, getting organized (business and home), getting pregnant with baby #2 and getting a good start on my book. Because I have completed so much so soon, I am going to revise my list tonight and come up with some more specific ways to meet the remainder of my goals.

I joined the Women's Run/Walk program again. The race will be September 18th. Remember, this was my first race last year. I am going to do it again this year. I am in the intermediate II group. Can you  believe it. I have really learned to run. Maybe next year I will have improved my speed enough to enter the Advanced group.

I have been doing a not so good job of staying consistent with my eating and water intake this week. I was going to do well today BUT. Today, I met with my clinical fellow for lunch. She chose TGIF. They do not have much that one could consider healthy. I rarely eat at these kinds of places anymore, so I was very unprepared as to what would be good to have. Even their salads have dressing that could be equal to a double bacon cheese burger with extra cheese. But I definitely wanted to eat wherever she wanted to eat.  So I ordered a turkey burger. She had fries and shrimp. They looked so good. She also had a brownie obsession. I haven't had one of those in soooo long. I said what the hey and order one too. ATE every chocolate bite and I do mean every bite. Tomorrow's another day.

We just reviewed some of the preliminary paperwork and expectations. She asked questions and we just basically got to know each other a little better. She seems as excited I am to be working together. I am not going to put to much into it though, you guys know how I am I always think too much into things and end up getting really hurt. But I have always wanted a colleague from the beginning of this business venture I just asked the wrong people in the beginning and the ones that would have been great to ask live in other cities and states, but that is neither here nor there. God has finally answered my prayer for a full time SLP even if it is just for 9 months. I pray that she will get a good start in the field of Speech and Language Pathology from me and my organization. I pray that she is able to see my heart and my desire to meet the needs of my patients and thier families. That's what it is all about. Of course I want to make a profit, but the money will come when you have the right motives and the right heart. I have heard some terrible things about how the other area companies are "cheating, lying, and stealing" to get ahead. I may be stupid, but I can't do those things. I will not mention what I know, but it is terrible. If it gets that bad to where I have to be low down and down talk other therapy companies and their employees to get ahead, I'll just open up a hot dog stand and sell hot dogs.  Anyway, also work wise, my office assistant is think about going back to school, but to a trade school to get the trade that she already has. She wants to learn to take blood pressure and blood. I told her that she doesn't need to go back to school. She needs to find a job where she will take blood pressure and draw blood. I hated to say that but I like her enough to tell her the truth even if that means losing a great employee. If she needs to spread her wings, I am strong enough to let her do that :(.....tears.

I had to spank Bug today. I tore his little behind up. This morning, I put him on the potty as I do every morning. He is to sit there until he "tee-tees" . Well, he got off of the potty and "tee-teed" in the floor in the living room. Can you believe that!!! I know he knows better than that. I spanked him. He cried and cried and cried and cried and then cried some more. You would have thought that I was trying to kill him or something. I thought about the spanking all day. I asked my mom if I had done the right thing and she agreed that it was necessary. I hope he was able to understand that you potty in the potty. I guess I just hurt his feelings.

Well, I am rambling...so I'll go do something constructive like clean my kitchen, go to wal-mart and purchase gain detergent. I'll write later.

The Funeral

The day started okay in Oxford Saturday July 10th. I woke up and did a 3 mile walk in the neighborhood. I haven't walked that neighborhood in years (for exercise purposes).

After the walk, the family members began to wake up. Everyone was holding their own. No one was particularly sad looking. You could hear laughter and see smiles. I ate a breakfast of donuts (well, because they were there.) As a matter of fact, the whole house was a sweet addicts heaven. Anyway, I ended up leaving to go get a haircut from my husband's best friend. Fred and Lil Fred got haircuts too. While there, I talked with the best friend's wife who is a recovering food addict and is currently reaping the benefits of lapband surgery. She was telling me of her struggles as she works hard to reach her goals. I just went to talking....you can tell this is my passion. I could have talked and talked and talked to that girl for hours. Fred was in the barber's chair teasing me..."oh no, Mia is talking about food". He knows that I can go on and on with that subject! LOL!

After the haircuts, we went to my mother in laws. I started to feel heavy. I can't really explain the heaviness other than maybe the grief of my aunt's death was starting to set in. This was about 9am at this time. I asked my mother in law if she knew what time the funeral home opened so I could go an view the body before the funeral. She called the owner. Somehow my mother in law knows everyone in town.  So she had him to open the funeral home so that I can view the body. He was going to open up anyway, but she was able to get him to come a little early for me. Fred, Lil Fred and I went to the funeral home. I walked in. She looked absolutely beautiful. I hadn't seen her look that peaceful in a while. I had only recently seen her struggle in the last few weeks of her life. So it was good to see her look like her old self. The company did a great job. I didn't cry. I felt relieved at that time. Fred took me back to my aunt's house were the family was. We got back and everyone was slowly preparing for the service. Fred and I sat on the couch when my mom and Aunt Trina left to go to walmart. I also left with Fred to get earrings and he needed a few things as well. We spent too much time there. I think I did it on purpose. I was just stalling.

We got back to the house about about 10:30am. Family members started to arrive. The funeral home wanted us to start lining up at 1:15pm. I wasn't even dress and both bathrooms were tied up. I finally started to get Lil Fred and myself ready. It was time to put my shoes on. Were is my other shoe??? I left it on the bed at home in Southaven. WHAT AN IDIOT! It was 12:30pm and I didn't have shoes. All that time I had spent fooling around earlier. Going to the funeral home, being at my mother in laws,  and at wal-mart and once I got home I realized I should have been buying shoes while I was out. Anyway, my brother rushed me to payless to get some shoes. I picked the first pair I saw. I rushed back to the house to get ready.

Everyone was ready and the funeral directors wanted to have a family prayer. My dad prayed but I didn't get to hear it because Lil Fred had fallen asleep on the way back from payless and didn't wake up once we got back to the house. He began to snore really loudly during the prayer so I had to take him out to keep him from disturbing everyone. :(

Fred and I rode together and proceeded to the church with the family. I began to feel all hot and shaky. As we approached the church I began to cry, sobbing. I said loudly. "Fred, I am about to lose it!" He is so sweet. He held my hand and told me to get it together. I managed to pull it together to get in line to enter the church. As we waited outside. I began to cry again. We walked slowly into the church and I saw my aunt lying there in the coffin. I knew this would be the last time I would see her and I just wailed. Never has a funeral been this difficult for me. I guess because I knew her very well. I knew my grandparents, but not like I knew her. She made a doll for me that I still have to this day.

As the service went on, I began to find relief. The words of the pastor and remarks of the friends and classmates of my aunt were comforting. The heaviness finally lifted. We went to the burial site and laid my aunt to rest. The heaviness was gone. We went back to the church and had dinner. Afterwards the family met back at the house and just were together. We were together like we hadn't been for years. I hate that we had to come together because of a funeral, but I am glad we did come together. Aunt San would have loved to see everyone. But I guess she did...looking from Heaven.

A better Day Than Yesterday!!!

Talk about taking all I had to get up and work out this morning! I went to the gym. I didn't run in the neighborhood today. I just wanted to get on the elliptical and read. So that's what I did for 30 minutes. After that, I did about 30 minutes of ab work and headed home to prepare for the day. I had a busy day. The wake for my aunt is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday at 2:00 pm. I want to go to Oxford early to sit with the family and just be there. I went to the nursing home to do a little PRN work and decided to go back in the morning and help out a little.

I have such a great support system. It is so good to have people on your team that care about you and your well being. Today, I decided to focus on the positive. I focused on how far God has taken me to meet the dreams that He has placed inside of me. I decided not to worry about those who are not strong enough to handle my vision...or those that are not strong enough to see the vision. I am thankful for those who are on my team and will continue to help me reach my fitness, healthy and business goals. My husband is a great support for both my health and business goals and so are my friends and my mother.

 I had my first Fitness Nutrition client to call me today. She is just where I was when I was fed up with the way my life was going. She seems to be ready to make some changes. I am excited about working with her but I was very direct with her. I told her that nothing worth having comes easy. Anything meaningful has to be worked for. She seems to be willing to invest the time that it is going to take to make changes. She is a Christian too, so I can give her some of the biblical references and books that I used to help me make healthier choices. I let her know that I am not without my daily struggles and I also told her that she will always have to die to the flesh and it's wishes everyday. So...I could go on, but I am excited about this new challenge.

Oh yeah, the plantain weed worked wonderfully. Lil Fred's spider bite is totally healed. Isn't that great!

I ate well today. Today was a better day that yesterday. A wwwwaayyyy better day! What made it different? I HAD TO FIGHT TO REMAIN POSITIVE AND SEE THE BIG PICTURE! What is your big picture? What little steps will you take to make the picture complete?