8/25/2010

Bug is just now starting to get over this stomach virus. We have been to Le Bonheur a total of 3 times and a visit to the physician's office. I feel that the end of this is near. He had been able to attend school this week because he has been able to control his "runny" stool. I am so glad it is coming to an end.

Well, I haven't written in so long...there has been a lot that I have been thinking about, feeling, expressing and doing since I last wrote, but I can sum it up with this....WOW! Healing and forgiveness is not an easy thing, but it feels good to begin the process.

Illusions and imaginations make you so much stronger than you are in reality. I can say and be anything in an illusion or in my imagination. In my dreams of being thin, I can do anything, say anything, be anything...I'm a great singer, a poet, a writer, eloquent speaker, a better therapist, lover, friend, mother when I imagine myself thin. I don't take crap from people when I imagine a thin Mia.I tell all of those people who I didn't ave the courage to confront a thing or two when I imagine the thin Mia. The thin me is not afraid of anything. No one ever hurts her and gets away with it...I imagine women who want to be married or dream of the perfect man have the same illusions and imaginations...When I get a husband, then I can do this or that. I won't feel like this when I find my husband. I won't have to do that anymore once I get a husband. I have learned as stated in previous posts..that the dreams or the imagination or the illusions of being thin far out weigh the actual "being thin". That is why I have unconsciously sabotaged my efforts SO many times. I enjoy thinking about "when I get thin" because of how empowering "thin" is in my imagination. But once I get to thin or really close to my definition of thin I unconsciously realize that the "thin" Mia is still wounded and angry and needs to be accepted and loved just like the "fat" Mia needs acceptance and searches for love. I guess if I am truthful, "thin" is a mask for not loving myself in the present. This is another attempt to avoid dealing with now and how I feel about Mia now. She is not worth loving while she is overweight. I will love her when she does this.... That is so not the way of God. What if God waited until we got it together before we came to Him? We would never get to Him that way 'cause we will never clean up enough and who judges "clean"? How would you know if you are truly clean or just what your definition of clean and righteous is? I am developing the ability to love myself just like God loves me. Just as I am. Come as you are.

For the past two weeks of course I have been nursing my son back to health and running my business, but health wise, I have stopped. Yes, I have stopped being so hard on myself. No more strict stuff. I just took a break from my eating schedule from my working out. I just gave myself a break. I don't know how long I am going to do it, but I want to let myself know that I am okay just like I am. I am continuing to learn to love Mia right where she is. I am learning not to be so hard on her. I am letting her know that it is okay to color outside of the lines sometimes. I am giving that child (little Mia from the past) permission to come out of that dark hole of fear, loneliness, rejection and lack of support that she learned from her parents and live; knowing that nothing was her fault. I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment that I received and I can't expect anything now except for what I can do for Mia now-today-in the present.

I am preparing mentally for St. Jude. With my work obligations, I have not formally met with SIM of my former TNT members. I have been working out on my own. Tomorrow, I am cross training. Starting Monday of next week, I will start my intense training. I am ready and excited.

Bug's Bug

Bug is still sick. I have missed three days of work. The next three days are going to be very busy with make-up sessions (yes, Saturday too). He went back to Le bonheur today. We just wanted to be sure that we covered all bases when it came to his nausea, vomitting and diarrhea. They said that it is just a bacterial stomach thing and thatit has to run its course. The physician said that this is very common. He will miss daycare tomorrow, too. Fred is off work so he won't have a problem staying home with him.

Get well Buggie. Mommy misses your smile.

5 miles in the am. Off to get rest.

Neglecting God

I have been neglecting God. Yes, this is my truth. I do not want to do what He wants me to do. I want to do this on my own. But Trying to do this on my own never pays off. I as controlling that way. I want to get all the credit. I want to have all of the control. Control! Control! Control! Even over things that there is no way for me to control. I want to have my hands on it.

Giving control to God just may prove to be devastating...I mean, I don't know what He is going to do. What if something happens that I can't handle? What if I don't get what I want after spending time with Him? What if He asked me to do something that I don't know how to do or don't want to do? What if it is not what I think it will be at the end of trusting Him? The reasons above are all the reasons why I neglect my time with God. This has lead to major "falling" off the wagon. following His lead has lead me to "feeling" things that aren't very pleasant. Things that I had buried and did not want to ever deal with. For some reason, God wants me to deal with these things. Can't we just stick to diet(food) and exercise (calories burned). Do I really have to deal with why I don't value myself and why I have this need to control and why I have built these walls of protection that I won't let ANYONE into and why I use food as my drug of choice to numb this pain. I haven't been as tempted to drug myself with a box of donuts until I started dealing with myself and what Mia needs. Do we really have to do this??? I mean really??? Mia needs: Love, appreciation, recognition, friendship. She didn't get it as child. She still craves it and uses food to replace those needs. I didn't have a voice as a child, but I was able to eat whatever I wanted. You can sit here and ride in the car while I take you around the country for no reason, the only way to get out is to ask for something to eat (whether you are hungry or not). You can listen to me scream at you, your siblings and your mother all day and all night. If you want relief pretend that you want something to eat. You can't go outside and play, but you can eat whatever you want. You can't attend this function or participate in this, but you can eat these french fries.  You don't have an opinion, your messages mean nothing, you have to stop doing anything that might make you look better than me, but you can eat this bar-b-Que I just cooked.

I didn't realize how bad I was in pain. I didn't realize how arrested my development has been. I am trapped in the past and have based every one of my present and future goals on protecting myself from past hurts occurring again. I haven't let anyone know the real me because I am afraid that if you meet her, you will leave her or laugh at her, ignore her or devalue her...especially if she is overweight. I have a list of things that I am going to do once I meet my weight loss goals. I have a list of rewards for losing weight.What I don't have is a list of ways/ things that I can do for myself now. Right Now! Even as an overweight person in the process of getting healthy. What does she deserve? Is she special? Can she be valued as an overweight person?

I can. I am valued. I am special. I am forgiving. I am truly loved by the people who are 100% in my corner. Not just those that are here for convenience, I doesn't neglect God. God, you have my time and my undivided attention. I hear You and I thank You for showing me where I need and who I need to forgive so that I can receive forgiveness as well.

Brace face: St. Jude: Family Bond

Hello World,

I guess for the last five years or  more, I have been thinking about getting braces. I have been uncomfortable with my smile for awhile, but I just felt like the cost and the effort was too much to bare. Its one of the many things that I felt I didn't deserve until I got to the "perfect" weight. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a list of things that I am going to do for myself when I get to blank size. Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. You have that list too : )  As I get my mind right, I have decided to go ahead and have a consultation today. I have a list of questions for the orthodontist and I must admit I am a nervous wreck. Do I even deserve to have braces? Will it help me? Is it a waste of time? Will my speech change? Even with these fears, I am heading to the orthodontist.

I had an interesting weekend. I didn't get a chance to go to my employee's wedding because I was at Le bonheur with my son. Yes, he still has that stomach bug. I took him because he didn't seem to be getting better. When we got there they gave him a freeze pop and sent us home. LOL! $250 copay for an ER visit without admission. What an expensive freeze pop. Bad thing about it is he didn't eat all of it. Anyway, I didn't take him to daycare today, because he still has runny stool and they won't take him with that. So I had to cancel my clients again. This is just part of being a mother. I roll with the punches and let God take care of the rest.

Health wise, I have been in a major funk. Major. If I look deep and tell myself the truth, this is what my problem is...I just realized that I can't fix my family. Yes, I realized that I was running myself crazy trying to fix the relationships that have developed negatively in our family. This all stems from the abuse and the lies and the hoarding and the neglect and denial, but I have been trying to make a "normal" family for years. I tried to established a relationship with my sister, that didn't work. I tried to help my mother see that she doesn't have to live the way that she does. To let her know that she is not a prisoner...that didn't work. I tried to tell my dad how he has hurt our family by being dishonest and abusive, but that didn't work. I tried to have Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings...that didn't work. After the Little Rock situation, I realize that there is nothing that I can do if they don't want to do anything. Don't get me wrong. I have been a harsh and self abusive-food addict and critical and judgemental and isolated perfectionist. I have asked God to show me where I can improve and he showed me those things about me. I am a natural "fixer". I want to "fix" things and make things right. I want people to do right and treat others right....that's not going to happen. People are who they are and the only one I can make do right is me. I have been working on eating and living in the now this past week. It was a little more difficult. I was able to do it for the first part of the day, but when the stress comes, then comes my compulsions. I lose it. This week. I am living in the now, with a daily schedule. Not weekly, but just daily. We will see if this is more manageable.

My cousin came down this weekend. We had a great time. We are SO alike. It is amazing. I let her borrow my Breaking Free book. She struggles with emotional eating as well. She is the oldest child and also comes from an abusive home. I wasn't finished with it, but I knew that she would enjoy it. I wanted her to take it with her. I told her how I still struggle because even though I got a lot of the physical weight off; the emotional weight still remains. So, with God's help, I am becoming more free everyday and I know she can too. We have a great bond that was broken when we were younger by my father's need to isolate our family from others. We began to rebuild our relationship and that bond is stronger than ever. It saddens me to think of all the years I missed sharing with her, but NOW we can continue to bond.

St. Jude. I have to get in the St. Jude mind set. I have still been running. Not everyday, but I do about 5 miles 3 x a week. I have gotten a little lazy because I am in a funk. This morning, I didn't run because Buggie is sick, but I will lift weights this afternoon, once I leave the office...yes, bug can't go to daycare,but he is going to the office with mommy to do paperwork. Can't waste the day doing nothing. Anyway, I have been waiting on the SIMs marathon schedule, but we have not received one. I am going to print one off the Internet and get started, I need a full five months to train. I want to finish strong so now is the time. I am still running the women's run, but I probably won't go to the trainings...too hot. I have the SIMs run in October and the Susan G. Komen run in October. After that, St. Jude marathon. I want to complete a 26 miler before the actual marathon. That way mentally, I will have already run that distance before. I know that is what helped me in Nashville, I had run further than 13.1 so the 1/2 marathon was a breeze. I am going to use that same strategy for St. Jude. Well, I'll write later. I'll let you know if I am a candidate for braces or not.

Freedom

Haven't written for a while. I have been busy with the business and attending revival at church. Which has been awesome. Going again tonight. Anyway, this morning I have been thinking...Here it goes....

The Apostle Paul talked about our freedom as Christians. He indicated that we were free to do what we want, but we should not do things that may cause ourselves or others to sin (paraphrasing, misquoting, everything). I have been thinking about freedom. Real freedom from my struggle with Mia (body image, self-esteem etc.) since the start of this journey. Through readings about leadership, influence, diets, and the rules for healthy living, It is starting to become very clear to me. We have to allow ourselves to be free from the struggle with food. No restrictions. That means that I will one day be able to eat what I want. Truly want.

What do we desire most? The things that we think we can't have or the things that we think we can't do. Its not just related to food. You see it in everyday life. People steal, cheat, lie and overeat all because they want something that they feel they can't have or don't deserve. So when you get into "compulsive mode" you let down your guard and get the very thing that you have been restricting. Money. Its not a bad thing. We need it to function in the world, but when we use it for the wrong reasons. For what it is not designed for. It becomes the root of All evil. Food is the very same way. We need food for nurishment. We need food for our bodies to function. So when we eat when we are not hungry, we misuse it. I guess I really truly don't want it because I am not hungry. What is it that I really want? I want to be loved, comfortable, and accepted. Can we do that for ourselves? With true Freedom....we can. That's why God has given me "motives" to focus on. What is my motive for eating this food? What do I really want from this or that? Just stopping and asking myself things and having the belief that I am going to tell myself the truth will prevent a lot of heart ache. I don't have to met the expectations of others. I can do what I want to do in line with God's will. I can be free to be me. No calorie counting, no point counting, no workout legalistic ridged rules....freedom.