My anniversary was so simple and sweet. Fred and I didn't go anywhere or do anything but look into each others eyes. We exchanged cards and small gifts. We laughed at ourselves and acknowledged our growth and need for each other. We reflected on our six years together. Yesterday, we celebrated Noah's first birthday. It was very fun and he had a great time too. Happy Birthday, Noah.
All of our backup babysitting "fell through" so we had Bug with us all weekend. That was okay. We had a great time. We will spend the rest of the week together. I will not be working too hard this week.
Health wise, I am becoming more free. Truly free. I am starting to see my errors. I haven't been able to see them. I thought the world was against me. I thought I was alone. I was mad at God for making me this way. For making people abandon me. Food was the only thing that I could control because everything that I have ever loved has abandoned or rejected me. Food is here. Even if temporary, it is here with me. Now that I am checking my motives and truly seeing myself, I can see where I have made tons of errors towards myself. I have been so hard on myself. Too hard. As stated in previous post-perfection was what I crave. Being hard has caused hardness toward others. So today I am loving my neighbor as I love myself. So, I am starting with me. Truly loving me, giving myself a break. Even over this last year of weight loss and exercise, I have been too hard on myself. Never truly leaving room for error. If I messed up or missed a workout, OMG!! Mia must pay dearly. I finally see it. I have identified the reason for my love of isolation, my desire for food. It is so safe. Unconsciously, I have been waiting to return to my safe place. After all this time and energy and effort and weight watchers and races and running groups, I have been secretly waiting to get back to the life that I had know before. But I swore to myself that I would be free from overeating. So I can't go back and I will get there.... to my freedom. I see now that I am just as addicted to fighting the weight loss battle as I was to overeating itself. I am just as addicted to the success and the failure of weight loss the need to be working on "getting there" and never truly getting there. If I blame the weight on everything, then I don't have to deal with the "real" issue of self-hatred and the feelings of rejection and stress and anxiety. Oops, Mia you have been exposed. That is what I thought gave me an excuse; a reason to hide. These walls are coming down. One wall identified and in the process of being torn down. Way to go, Mia.
I am preparing my mind for St. Jude. Next month my training begins. I want to finish strong and to do this, I will have to be strong mentally. So, I must begin to become very disciplined in all things. Discipline is the word for everyday.
Tonight, I am writing my menu and cleansing my mind to begin the meditation process and prepare for my master cleanse on Sunday. Back to the basics. St. Jude finish line here I come.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Now, Me II
My post are about to be a lot less messy. I just learned how to spell check and edit. YEA, Me! Plus, I found out how to change the setting to where you guys can leave posts without being members. So let me know what you think of my thoughts. Critique my posts.
Okay, I didn't write last night because I picked up the Roth book and I completed it. Breath taking...It was so honest..so real..so true. It is a must read for anyone who obsessively eats when they are not hungry. I have lots of people ask me how I lost weight. I tell them about working on me to overcome my binge eating. They really don't want to know the real way I lost weight. They want me to tell them Weight Watchers, or Surgery or Some pill, but if I feel like it, I tell them that it started with Weight Watchers..along with seeking out God-My Father-My creator diligently. They say..."oh, I don't have that problem. I just eat too much bread." or whatever they don't mind admitting that they do. There as so many self-deceived overweight people. Listen IF YOU ARE 100 POUNDS OVER YOUR IDEAL WEIGHT, IT IS MORE THAT YOU JUST LIKING BREAD. I know them very well. I used to be that person. But when I looked into the definition of Binge Eating from the DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria, I fit right in. Check it out:
First, what is a binge? Binge= 1. Spree 2: an act of excessive consumption (as of food) {Webster's New Dictionary of the English Language New Edition}
Okay, we already know what eating is...but for those of you who need this, here is the definition of eat :)
Eat= 1: to take in as food; take food 2: to use up: devour 3: corrode{Webster's}
One more for the clarification of disorder.
Disorder (noun)= 1: lack of order; confusion 2: breach of the peace or public order; Tumult 3; an abnormal physical or mental condition; ailment{Webster's}
Disorder (verb)=1: to disturb the order of 2: to disturb the regular normal functions of {Webster's}
With those definition to clear things up, here is what a Binge Eating Disorder is characterized by the Mental Health professionals.
Binge Eating Disorder-DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria
A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating, characterized by both of the following:
The binge eating is NOT associated with the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behavior
C. Binge-eating episodes are associated with at least 3 of the following:
Note: binge food are typically high in fats, sugars or often both
After obtaining this definition of binge eating disorder, I was able to identify what was going on with me. I probably realized I was a binge eater when I was about 13 or at least I knew there was a problem, but I didn't confess it until I was 27 years old at my job, during our lunch break (we would sit in the therapy room, eat lunch and talk for about two hours) in front of people who had no emotional connection to me. I just wanted to let it go and these people were the perfect ones to let it out to. They don't know me. They don't care about me...so here it goes. I don't remember how we got on the subject. Someone said something about losing weight. To them weight is nothing. It is a few pound here. I nip or tuck there. They don't know what "weight" is. I believe that one other co-worker probably could have related, but she was so trapped in her lies that she didn't even know that she was in the world. " I am a binge eater." I said. They all just looked. One asked, What do you mean? I said, I eat in a two hour period what most people could eat in two days. After, I get off work at 3:30, I go home and eat as much as I can until I can't take any more. I could barley breath after this confession. They did give a rats *&%! I was so relieved. I finally confessed it. To strangers who never even knew Mia Cole. But I did it. Oh, I forgot, when I first met Fred. He met me between sizes (You know during one of the hundred times I lost 30 pounds) He met me when I was minus thirty. We reconnected a year later and I was in the process of putting the weight back on. Once we started dating, I mentioned to him that I had a weight problem, but I don't think I was really confessing then. I was just trying to let him know as much about me up front so that he could make an educated choice. I didn't want to hide from him. I wanted him to know. This was the beginning of my being open with someone I wanted to get close to. My point in all this is everyone has something.Yours may be cigarettes or sex or shopping (or all of the above), but you have something that keeps you from dealing with YOU and YOUR emotions. Something that makes you want to run away from it all. Some way of escape. Something that keeps you from getting into a closer, personal, deep relationship with God. Don't take the bait. That is what Eve did. She took the bait and it separated us from God. She felt like God was holding out on her. "Sooo, I will know good and evil..huh!" I guess we can try this forbidden fruit, baby.
God loves you. He created you and He knows exactly what we need. He is not going force us to come to Him. We have to decide to. Through His word, he will let us know what is right; what is wrong.Then He tells us to Choose Life. I think I like that he does things like that. I used to wonder, why did He give us choices. He wanted a relationship. Not a bunch of fake robots. He wanted to fellowship with real people; with real emotions. So he gave emotions to us-to feel-to work through. Not to run from.
I have decided to stop running from Mia. As I have written before, it is not about 'food'. It has never, ever been about food. It is not about food for you. It is about "not pretending". It is about "not being who 'they' told you you were". It is about "feeling what you really feel". It is about truly loving yourself. The Bible says in several places, but we will go with Matthew 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. So it looks like we need to love ourselves to be able to love others. We have to see ourselves like our Father sees us, how he created us to be. Before the hurt of the planted seeds of destruction who did God create you to be. Find that person. Don't believe the lies of your mind. Find the truth, your truth, God's truth through looking in the mirror (His word) by studying and following the Holy Spirit. Look where it has gotten me. It has and continues to be a bumpy, long, slow, changing rode, but the Now, Me would not change this course God has set before me for a Quadrillion Billion Million Dollars :)
Okay, I didn't write last night because I picked up the Roth book and I completed it. Breath taking...It was so honest..so real..so true. It is a must read for anyone who obsessively eats when they are not hungry. I have lots of people ask me how I lost weight. I tell them about working on me to overcome my binge eating. They really don't want to know the real way I lost weight. They want me to tell them Weight Watchers, or Surgery or Some pill, but if I feel like it, I tell them that it started with Weight Watchers..along with seeking out God-My Father-My creator diligently. They say..."oh, I don't have that problem. I just eat too much bread." or whatever they don't mind admitting that they do. There as so many self-deceived overweight people. Listen IF YOU ARE 100 POUNDS OVER YOUR IDEAL WEIGHT, IT IS MORE THAT YOU JUST LIKING BREAD. I know them very well. I used to be that person. But when I looked into the definition of Binge Eating from the DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria, I fit right in. Check it out:
First, what is a binge? Binge= 1. Spree 2: an act of excessive consumption (as of food) {Webster's New Dictionary of the English Language New Edition}
Okay, we already know what eating is...but for those of you who need this, here is the definition of eat :)
Eat= 1: to take in as food; take food 2: to use up: devour 3: corrode{Webster's}
One more for the clarification of disorder.
Disorder (noun)= 1: lack of order; confusion 2: breach of the peace or public order; Tumult 3; an abnormal physical or mental condition; ailment{Webster's}
Disorder (verb)=1: to disturb the order of 2: to disturb the regular normal functions of {Webster's}
With those definition to clear things up, here is what a Binge Eating Disorder is characterized by the Mental Health professionals.
Binge Eating Disorder-DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria
A. Recurrent episodes of binge eating, characterized by both of the following:
- Eating in a discrete period of time, an amount of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat in a similar period of time under similar circumstances
- Sense of lack of control over eating during the episode
The binge eating is NOT associated with the regular use of inappropriate compensatory behavior
C. Binge-eating episodes are associated with at least 3 of the following:
- Eating much more rapidly than normal
- Eating until feeling uncomfortably full
- Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry
- Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating
- Feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating
Note: binge food are typically high in fats, sugars or often both
After obtaining this definition of binge eating disorder, I was able to identify what was going on with me. I probably realized I was a binge eater when I was about 13 or at least I knew there was a problem, but I didn't confess it until I was 27 years old at my job, during our lunch break (we would sit in the therapy room, eat lunch and talk for about two hours) in front of people who had no emotional connection to me. I just wanted to let it go and these people were the perfect ones to let it out to. They don't know me. They don't care about me...so here it goes. I don't remember how we got on the subject. Someone said something about losing weight. To them weight is nothing. It is a few pound here. I nip or tuck there. They don't know what "weight" is. I believe that one other co-worker probably could have related, but she was so trapped in her lies that she didn't even know that she was in the world. " I am a binge eater." I said. They all just looked. One asked, What do you mean? I said, I eat in a two hour period what most people could eat in two days. After, I get off work at 3:30, I go home and eat as much as I can until I can't take any more. I could barley breath after this confession. They did give a rats *&%! I was so relieved. I finally confessed it. To strangers who never even knew Mia Cole. But I did it. Oh, I forgot, when I first met Fred. He met me between sizes (You know during one of the hundred times I lost 30 pounds) He met me when I was minus thirty. We reconnected a year later and I was in the process of putting the weight back on. Once we started dating, I mentioned to him that I had a weight problem, but I don't think I was really confessing then. I was just trying to let him know as much about me up front so that he could make an educated choice. I didn't want to hide from him. I wanted him to know. This was the beginning of my being open with someone I wanted to get close to. My point in all this is everyone has something.Yours may be cigarettes or sex or shopping (or all of the above), but you have something that keeps you from dealing with YOU and YOUR emotions. Something that makes you want to run away from it all. Some way of escape. Something that keeps you from getting into a closer, personal, deep relationship with God. Don't take the bait. That is what Eve did. She took the bait and it separated us from God. She felt like God was holding out on her. "Sooo, I will know good and evil..huh!" I guess we can try this forbidden fruit, baby.
God loves you. He created you and He knows exactly what we need. He is not going force us to come to Him. We have to decide to. Through His word, he will let us know what is right; what is wrong.Then He tells us to Choose Life. I think I like that he does things like that. I used to wonder, why did He give us choices. He wanted a relationship. Not a bunch of fake robots. He wanted to fellowship with real people; with real emotions. So he gave emotions to us-to feel-to work through. Not to run from.
I have decided to stop running from Mia. As I have written before, it is not about 'food'. It has never, ever been about food. It is not about food for you. It is about "not pretending". It is about "not being who 'they' told you you were". It is about "feeling what you really feel". It is about truly loving yourself. The Bible says in several places, but we will go with Matthew 22:39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. So it looks like we need to love ourselves to be able to love others. We have to see ourselves like our Father sees us, how he created us to be. Before the hurt of the planted seeds of destruction who did God create you to be. Find that person. Don't believe the lies of your mind. Find the truth, your truth, God's truth through looking in the mirror (His word) by studying and following the Holy Spirit. Look where it has gotten me. It has and continues to be a bumpy, long, slow, changing rode, but the Now, Me would not change this course God has set before me for a Quadrillion Billion Million Dollars :)
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Now, ME
Man O Man was it hot last night during the Women's Run. Boy, I thought I was in shape, but gosh those elements. The intermediate II group completed four miles at Shelby Farms. I saw a couple of my SIM sisters participating in the program as well. The run was really challenging. It was like I hadn't run before. I know it was because of that heat. It felt like 100 degrees out there. I enjoyed every minute :)
I brought my IPOD, but I decided to enjoy the moment and not try to escape it. I didn't leave my body or try to find another "zone". I stayed and enjoyed the moment. I listen to my feet hitting the pavement. I felt my legs jiggle. I felt my stomach bounce up and down. I was me and I appreciated me and my body (even if it was just for that moment). I looked at the other women, I didn't compare. I didn't try to "straighten" up when they came passed or speed up or do something that my body didn't want to do. As I looked at the other women, I watched them talk and listened to their breathing. I listened to my own breath. I heard the birds, the trees moved with the wind. I heard the sun yelling at us to "Run, Run". I think I will attempt to run more without my IPOD. I have become used to using music. Let's see how I grow without that distraction and just enjoy the run.
I don't know if I told you or not, I'll have to check the other posts, but I am reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. She is not a Christian at all. She is so raw and honest that previous attempts to read her writings have lead me to drop the book like a hot potato. They were too deep, too real. I wasn't ready to face the truth about my obsessions and compulsions. This has been an excuse of mine not to read her book. She is acutally buddist I believe, however, she has mastered compulsive eating, by becoming one with herself and not trying to escape who she is. I don't know if this is a Buddist or meditative principle, but it is definitely something that I believe God wants us to do as Christians. I am reading her book and applying it to what I know about the word of God. I am looking in her words and finding God's truth right inside each page.
Based on what I am reading, I am discovering the lies that were told to me or the ones that I believed about myself and my body. I am only going to overcome compulsive eating by love. Love never fails. It keeps going forever. This spirit of compulsive eating has never left me. It had been hiding in my lies. It had been hovering over me in fear. I can feel myself at times slipping back into old habits whenever things and people aren't perfect so I am digging as deeply as I can. I have to find out what the real problem is. Mia needs to be appreciated and loved by Mia. I have to ignore the lies that have been told to me about Mia. I can't be that 5 year old that got hurt by mommy and daddy or that 19 year old that was dumped, rejected and humiliated. I can't be that lonely 23 year old. I can't live in the past and based my future on past events and fears. I have to live in the now and enjoy the now. Okay...now I have to go on a home visit, but I will definitely finish this conversation later.
I brought my IPOD, but I decided to enjoy the moment and not try to escape it. I didn't leave my body or try to find another "zone". I stayed and enjoyed the moment. I listen to my feet hitting the pavement. I felt my legs jiggle. I felt my stomach bounce up and down. I was me and I appreciated me and my body (even if it was just for that moment). I looked at the other women, I didn't compare. I didn't try to "straighten" up when they came passed or speed up or do something that my body didn't want to do. As I looked at the other women, I watched them talk and listened to their breathing. I listened to my own breath. I heard the birds, the trees moved with the wind. I heard the sun yelling at us to "Run, Run". I think I will attempt to run more without my IPOD. I have become used to using music. Let's see how I grow without that distraction and just enjoy the run.
I don't know if I told you or not, I'll have to check the other posts, but I am reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. She is not a Christian at all. She is so raw and honest that previous attempts to read her writings have lead me to drop the book like a hot potato. They were too deep, too real. I wasn't ready to face the truth about my obsessions and compulsions. This has been an excuse of mine not to read her book. She is acutally buddist I believe, however, she has mastered compulsive eating, by becoming one with herself and not trying to escape who she is. I don't know if this is a Buddist or meditative principle, but it is definitely something that I believe God wants us to do as Christians. I am reading her book and applying it to what I know about the word of God. I am looking in her words and finding God's truth right inside each page.
Based on what I am reading, I am discovering the lies that were told to me or the ones that I believed about myself and my body. I am only going to overcome compulsive eating by love. Love never fails. It keeps going forever. This spirit of compulsive eating has never left me. It had been hiding in my lies. It had been hovering over me in fear. I can feel myself at times slipping back into old habits whenever things and people aren't perfect so I am digging as deeply as I can. I have to find out what the real problem is. Mia needs to be appreciated and loved by Mia. I have to ignore the lies that have been told to me about Mia. I can't be that 5 year old that got hurt by mommy and daddy or that 19 year old that was dumped, rejected and humiliated. I can't be that lonely 23 year old. I can't live in the past and based my future on past events and fears. I have to live in the now and enjoy the now. Okay...now I have to go on a home visit, but I will definitely finish this conversation later.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Journey Change,Walls assessed;A good shepard
Hey World,
Have you noticed how my posts have changed? At the beginning of this journey, it was all about my weight loss. It was all about food and how to control portions and count points, calories, fat grams. It was about weight watchers and learning to make healthier snacks. It was about finding the right positive quotes and scriptures. It was about races and exercise routines. It is definitely still all about that, but I have reach the point to where I know the physical part, but I am a spirit. I live in a body and I have a mind, but I AM A SPIRIT. I know the counting calories and stuff, now I want to really shake this emotional monkey so that when the storm of stress hits, I don't ride the food wave. What is this inside that feels that food can "fix" it. Food can't fix anything...only for a brief moment. Okay....
I went to Brown Baptist church this morning...just when I was about to try another church out. It was soooo one point. The pastor spoke on Reasons to Celebrate. He talked about planning, praying, knowing God's promises and having people in your corner to agree. This was exactly what I needed to hear today...Yes, I have heard it a billion times, but today it was needed. I accepted it. I challenge myself to do what I heard this morning.
After a great church service, I went to the store with Bug to visit Fred. Fred's 36th birthday is tomorrow and we are just excited to spend as much time with him as we can. He used to get so depressed around his birthday. For all the years that I have known him (10 years), about a week before his birthday, Fred is the saddest man in the world. I used to think, how can someone be depressed when they are blessed with another year. I don't understand that and he has never been able to vocalize these feelings. He just can't explain it to me. But this year, yes this year, he has not been depressed. I mentioned it to him on Wednesday or Thurdsay. I said to him this is the first year that you have not been depressed. He smiled so sweetly and gave his nervous laugh that he does when he is put on the spot. I praise God that he is not upset this year. We don't have anything planned for his birthday. Bug and I bought some cologne, cake and cards. Next week, we are taking a vacation at the end of next week and we will both return to work the first week of August. Okay..back to my emotions conversation. While in church this morning....
I had a mental picture of the emotional walls that I still have built in my life.It was so vivid. I thought they were gone, but I saw it today while I was in church. I thought it was unforgiveness, but it is fear. Because I have forgiven, but I am still afraid. I think God showed them to me in this way because it is time to feel my emotions. It is time. Time to deal with Mia. Time to feel Mia. Time to stop living in the box. Time to stop hiding. Time to let others know how great I am and let myself know how great I can be. I think that I am going to draw the picture. I am going to study what each wall has meant in my life, why I built it. From whom or what was I protecting myself from? I am working hard to tear them down and attack them head on. The wall that I'd built against a true friendship and intimate relationship with God is coming down. I am not afraid of that anymore. I am not afraid of answering His call on my life. As I stated in previous posts, I have always had a hunger and desire for God (as we all do). I was taught (as many of us are) that God is waiting to punish us. Never was the intimate-personal-relationship made as important as doing the right thing to not make God mad was. So here I was trying to be "good". I wanted to be "good" at all times. I am still that way now. I want to always play by the rules. If I got outside the box or colored outside the lines, I am a nervous wreck until I get back in line. Never do I give myself room for error. I must be perfect. My relationships have to be perfect. The people in my life have to be perfect. It's all tied to fear of failure with them, fear of them knowing that I hurt. I can't show this hurt because it doesn't exist. When I was younger, I felt like the world was on my shoulder. I'm a preacher's daughter they were waiting on my to be wild. I felt I had to prove that I was not wild. I want to control everything so that it stays perfect or maybe it is so that I can prevent it from failing. My plans have to be perfect, the people in my plans have to be or I am a failure. WHAT A LIE! I can't believe that I have wasted so much time believing these lies. I have been believing in perfectionism for a long-long-long-long time. I am working on believing in relationships. First with God and then with those he has blessed me to know in the future and those who have been there in my past. Today, I stop this lie in my life. It's done. I am beginning a new chapter as it relates to letting Mia feel her emotions. I don't mean just telling the truth to others, but continuing to be honest with myself about how I feel on a daily basis. When I am stressed. I will feel the stress. I will manage it and let it go. I am not going to ignore it or eat it away. I am going to feel it.
I will once and for all stop using food to "not" deal with my emotions, and in the place of food, I am not going to use fear and self doubt. I have to feel my feelings. I can't begin to tell you how to do this. I have trouble feeling them. I know that I have flaws. I know that I have hurts, but I am working on feeling those hurts, embracing those flaws...Lord, how do I do that! I was told as a young girl that my feelings don't matter. I was told that I am not likeable. I was told that I didn't have an opinion. I was told that I don't have friends. I was told that my family doesn't love me or care for me. My mother tries to pretend that these things never happened or that things were not as they seemed to me. I know what I felt or what I should have felt. These same walls built at an early age have gotten so high that I can't see over them now as an adult. They have built in my relationship with my immediate family...I mean: my sister, brother, dad and mom. The goal of our household was to separate from others. This caused us to be separate from ourselves. It created in me personally: self-hatred, distrust (of self and others), social anxiety, and a lack of communication skills as it relates to feeling and expressing myself. It has caused me to shut-down and not deal with life head on. It has caused me at times to give up on people and myself.
Have you ever heard people say trust the Lord? Have you ever done it? I mean not after he has done something, but before He has done it. Have you ever really trusted Him? I mean put everything on Him. Casting all of your cares. Have you ever freed yourself enough to do that? Can you let go of that kind of control?
Read This:
The Lord is my shepard. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows. He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will lie in the house of the Lord forever. Psalms 23 (NLT)
Have you noticed how my posts have changed? At the beginning of this journey, it was all about my weight loss. It was all about food and how to control portions and count points, calories, fat grams. It was about weight watchers and learning to make healthier snacks. It was about finding the right positive quotes and scriptures. It was about races and exercise routines. It is definitely still all about that, but I have reach the point to where I know the physical part, but I am a spirit. I live in a body and I have a mind, but I AM A SPIRIT. I know the counting calories and stuff, now I want to really shake this emotional monkey so that when the storm of stress hits, I don't ride the food wave. What is this inside that feels that food can "fix" it. Food can't fix anything...only for a brief moment. Okay....
I went to Brown Baptist church this morning...just when I was about to try another church out. It was soooo one point. The pastor spoke on Reasons to Celebrate. He talked about planning, praying, knowing God's promises and having people in your corner to agree. This was exactly what I needed to hear today...Yes, I have heard it a billion times, but today it was needed. I accepted it. I challenge myself to do what I heard this morning.
After a great church service, I went to the store with Bug to visit Fred. Fred's 36th birthday is tomorrow and we are just excited to spend as much time with him as we can. He used to get so depressed around his birthday. For all the years that I have known him (10 years), about a week before his birthday, Fred is the saddest man in the world. I used to think, how can someone be depressed when they are blessed with another year. I don't understand that and he has never been able to vocalize these feelings. He just can't explain it to me. But this year, yes this year, he has not been depressed. I mentioned it to him on Wednesday or Thurdsay. I said to him this is the first year that you have not been depressed. He smiled so sweetly and gave his nervous laugh that he does when he is put on the spot. I praise God that he is not upset this year. We don't have anything planned for his birthday. Bug and I bought some cologne, cake and cards. Next week, we are taking a vacation at the end of next week and we will both return to work the first week of August. Okay..back to my emotions conversation. While in church this morning....
I had a mental picture of the emotional walls that I still have built in my life.It was so vivid. I thought they were gone, but I saw it today while I was in church. I thought it was unforgiveness, but it is fear. Because I have forgiven, but I am still afraid. I think God showed them to me in this way because it is time to feel my emotions. It is time. Time to deal with Mia. Time to feel Mia. Time to stop living in the box. Time to stop hiding. Time to let others know how great I am and let myself know how great I can be. I think that I am going to draw the picture. I am going to study what each wall has meant in my life, why I built it. From whom or what was I protecting myself from? I am working hard to tear them down and attack them head on. The wall that I'd built against a true friendship and intimate relationship with God is coming down. I am not afraid of that anymore. I am not afraid of answering His call on my life. As I stated in previous posts, I have always had a hunger and desire for God (as we all do). I was taught (as many of us are) that God is waiting to punish us. Never was the intimate-personal-relationship made as important as doing the right thing to not make God mad was. So here I was trying to be "good". I wanted to be "good" at all times. I am still that way now. I want to always play by the rules. If I got outside the box or colored outside the lines, I am a nervous wreck until I get back in line. Never do I give myself room for error. I must be perfect. My relationships have to be perfect. The people in my life have to be perfect. It's all tied to fear of failure with them, fear of them knowing that I hurt. I can't show this hurt because it doesn't exist. When I was younger, I felt like the world was on my shoulder. I'm a preacher's daughter they were waiting on my to be wild. I felt I had to prove that I was not wild. I want to control everything so that it stays perfect or maybe it is so that I can prevent it from failing. My plans have to be perfect, the people in my plans have to be or I am a failure. WHAT A LIE! I can't believe that I have wasted so much time believing these lies. I have been believing in perfectionism for a long-long-long-long time. I am working on believing in relationships. First with God and then with those he has blessed me to know in the future and those who have been there in my past. Today, I stop this lie in my life. It's done. I am beginning a new chapter as it relates to letting Mia feel her emotions. I don't mean just telling the truth to others, but continuing to be honest with myself about how I feel on a daily basis. When I am stressed. I will feel the stress. I will manage it and let it go. I am not going to ignore it or eat it away. I am going to feel it.
I will once and for all stop using food to "not" deal with my emotions, and in the place of food, I am not going to use fear and self doubt. I have to feel my feelings. I can't begin to tell you how to do this. I have trouble feeling them. I know that I have flaws. I know that I have hurts, but I am working on feeling those hurts, embracing those flaws...Lord, how do I do that! I was told as a young girl that my feelings don't matter. I was told that I am not likeable. I was told that I didn't have an opinion. I was told that I don't have friends. I was told that my family doesn't love me or care for me. My mother tries to pretend that these things never happened or that things were not as they seemed to me. I know what I felt or what I should have felt. These same walls built at an early age have gotten so high that I can't see over them now as an adult. They have built in my relationship with my immediate family...I mean: my sister, brother, dad and mom. The goal of our household was to separate from others. This caused us to be separate from ourselves. It created in me personally: self-hatred, distrust (of self and others), social anxiety, and a lack of communication skills as it relates to feeling and expressing myself. It has caused me to shut-down and not deal with life head on. It has caused me at times to give up on people and myself.
Have you ever heard people say trust the Lord? Have you ever done it? I mean not after he has done something, but before He has done it. Have you ever really trusted Him? I mean put everything on Him. Casting all of your cares. Have you ever freed yourself enough to do that? Can you let go of that kind of control?
Read This:
The Lord is my shepard. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows. He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will lie in the house of the Lord forever. Psalms 23 (NLT)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
The Day...a mixture of topics
I just looked at my goal list for 2010 and for the first time in a few years, I have completed over 1/2 of the list before the end of the year. I have gotten to a healthier weight, I work out everyday, completed the country music marathon I eat right (most of the time), I have met my employee hiring goals for the year of obtaining a CF, I spend more time with God, Fred and Lil Fred, and I completed my specialist in fitness nutrition certification. I still have a few major things that I want to complete before the end of the year....getting to my healthy weight of between 155-165 pound, completing a FULL marathon (ST. Jude), completing my certified fitness trainer course, participating in a program or developing a program to assist others with weight issues, getting organized (business and home), getting pregnant with baby #2 and getting a good start on my book. Because I have completed so much so soon, I am going to revise my list tonight and come up with some more specific ways to meet the remainder of my goals.
I joined the Women's Run/Walk program again. The race will be September 18th. Remember, this was my first race last year. I am going to do it again this year. I am in the intermediate II group. Can you believe it. I have really learned to run. Maybe next year I will have improved my speed enough to enter the Advanced group.
I have been doing a not so good job of staying consistent with my eating and water intake this week. I was going to do well today BUT. Today, I met with my clinical fellow for lunch. She chose TGIF. They do not have much that one could consider healthy. I rarely eat at these kinds of places anymore, so I was very unprepared as to what would be good to have. Even their salads have dressing that could be equal to a double bacon cheese burger with extra cheese. But I definitely wanted to eat wherever she wanted to eat. So I ordered a turkey burger. She had fries and shrimp. They looked so good. She also had a brownie obsession. I haven't had one of those in soooo long. I said what the hey and order one too. ATE every chocolate bite and I do mean every bite. Tomorrow's another day.
We just reviewed some of the preliminary paperwork and expectations. She asked questions and we just basically got to know each other a little better. She seems as excited I am to be working together. I am not going to put to much into it though, you guys know how I am I always think too much into things and end up getting really hurt. But I have always wanted a colleague from the beginning of this business venture I just asked the wrong people in the beginning and the ones that would have been great to ask live in other cities and states, but that is neither here nor there. God has finally answered my prayer for a full time SLP even if it is just for 9 months. I pray that she will get a good start in the field of Speech and Language Pathology from me and my organization. I pray that she is able to see my heart and my desire to meet the needs of my patients and thier families. That's what it is all about. Of course I want to make a profit, but the money will come when you have the right motives and the right heart. I have heard some terrible things about how the other area companies are "cheating, lying, and stealing" to get ahead. I may be stupid, but I can't do those things. I will not mention what I know, but it is terrible. If it gets that bad to where I have to be low down and down talk other therapy companies and their employees to get ahead, I'll just open up a hot dog stand and sell hot dogs. Anyway, also work wise, my office assistant is think about going back to school, but to a trade school to get the trade that she already has. She wants to learn to take blood pressure and blood. I told her that she doesn't need to go back to school. She needs to find a job where she will take blood pressure and draw blood. I hated to say that but I like her enough to tell her the truth even if that means losing a great employee. If she needs to spread her wings, I am strong enough to let her do that :(.....tears.
I had to spank Bug today. I tore his little behind up. This morning, I put him on the potty as I do every morning. He is to sit there until he "tee-tees" . Well, he got off of the potty and "tee-teed" in the floor in the living room. Can you believe that!!! I know he knows better than that. I spanked him. He cried and cried and cried and cried and then cried some more. You would have thought that I was trying to kill him or something. I thought about the spanking all day. I asked my mom if I had done the right thing and she agreed that it was necessary. I hope he was able to understand that you potty in the potty. I guess I just hurt his feelings.
Well, I am rambling...so I'll go do something constructive like clean my kitchen, go to wal-mart and purchase gain detergent. I'll write later.
I joined the Women's Run/Walk program again. The race will be September 18th. Remember, this was my first race last year. I am going to do it again this year. I am in the intermediate II group. Can you believe it. I have really learned to run. Maybe next year I will have improved my speed enough to enter the Advanced group.
I have been doing a not so good job of staying consistent with my eating and water intake this week. I was going to do well today BUT. Today, I met with my clinical fellow for lunch. She chose TGIF. They do not have much that one could consider healthy. I rarely eat at these kinds of places anymore, so I was very unprepared as to what would be good to have. Even their salads have dressing that could be equal to a double bacon cheese burger with extra cheese. But I definitely wanted to eat wherever she wanted to eat. So I ordered a turkey burger. She had fries and shrimp. They looked so good. She also had a brownie obsession. I haven't had one of those in soooo long. I said what the hey and order one too. ATE every chocolate bite and I do mean every bite. Tomorrow's another day.
We just reviewed some of the preliminary paperwork and expectations. She asked questions and we just basically got to know each other a little better. She seems as excited I am to be working together. I am not going to put to much into it though, you guys know how I am I always think too much into things and end up getting really hurt. But I have always wanted a colleague from the beginning of this business venture I just asked the wrong people in the beginning and the ones that would have been great to ask live in other cities and states, but that is neither here nor there. God has finally answered my prayer for a full time SLP even if it is just for 9 months. I pray that she will get a good start in the field of Speech and Language Pathology from me and my organization. I pray that she is able to see my heart and my desire to meet the needs of my patients and thier families. That's what it is all about. Of course I want to make a profit, but the money will come when you have the right motives and the right heart. I have heard some terrible things about how the other area companies are "cheating, lying, and stealing" to get ahead. I may be stupid, but I can't do those things. I will not mention what I know, but it is terrible. If it gets that bad to where I have to be low down and down talk other therapy companies and their employees to get ahead, I'll just open up a hot dog stand and sell hot dogs. Anyway, also work wise, my office assistant is think about going back to school, but to a trade school to get the trade that she already has. She wants to learn to take blood pressure and blood. I told her that she doesn't need to go back to school. She needs to find a job where she will take blood pressure and draw blood. I hated to say that but I like her enough to tell her the truth even if that means losing a great employee. If she needs to spread her wings, I am strong enough to let her do that :(.....tears.
I had to spank Bug today. I tore his little behind up. This morning, I put him on the potty as I do every morning. He is to sit there until he "tee-tees" . Well, he got off of the potty and "tee-teed" in the floor in the living room. Can you believe that!!! I know he knows better than that. I spanked him. He cried and cried and cried and cried and then cried some more. You would have thought that I was trying to kill him or something. I thought about the spanking all day. I asked my mom if I had done the right thing and she agreed that it was necessary. I hope he was able to understand that you potty in the potty. I guess I just hurt his feelings.
Well, I am rambling...so I'll go do something constructive like clean my kitchen, go to wal-mart and purchase gain detergent. I'll write later.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Funeral
The day started okay in Oxford Saturday July 10th. I woke up and did a 3 mile walk in the neighborhood. I haven't walked that neighborhood in years (for exercise purposes).
After the walk, the family members began to wake up. Everyone was holding their own. No one was particularly sad looking. You could hear laughter and see smiles. I ate a breakfast of donuts (well, because they were there.) As a matter of fact, the whole house was a sweet addicts heaven. Anyway, I ended up leaving to go get a haircut from my husband's best friend. Fred and Lil Fred got haircuts too. While there, I talked with the best friend's wife who is a recovering food addict and is currently reaping the benefits of lapband surgery. She was telling me of her struggles as she works hard to reach her goals. I just went to talking....you can tell this is my passion. I could have talked and talked and talked to that girl for hours. Fred was in the barber's chair teasing me..."oh no, Mia is talking about food". He knows that I can go on and on with that subject! LOL!
After the haircuts, we went to my mother in laws. I started to feel heavy. I can't really explain the heaviness other than maybe the grief of my aunt's death was starting to set in. This was about 9am at this time. I asked my mother in law if she knew what time the funeral home opened so I could go an view the body before the funeral. She called the owner. Somehow my mother in law knows everyone in town. So she had him to open the funeral home so that I can view the body. He was going to open up anyway, but she was able to get him to come a little early for me. Fred, Lil Fred and I went to the funeral home. I walked in. She looked absolutely beautiful. I hadn't seen her look that peaceful in a while. I had only recently seen her struggle in the last few weeks of her life. So it was good to see her look like her old self. The company did a great job. I didn't cry. I felt relieved at that time. Fred took me back to my aunt's house were the family was. We got back and everyone was slowly preparing for the service. Fred and I sat on the couch when my mom and Aunt Trina left to go to walmart. I also left with Fred to get earrings and he needed a few things as well. We spent too much time there. I think I did it on purpose. I was just stalling.
We got back to the house about about 10:30am. Family members started to arrive. The funeral home wanted us to start lining up at 1:15pm. I wasn't even dress and both bathrooms were tied up. I finally started to get Lil Fred and myself ready. It was time to put my shoes on. Were is my other shoe??? I left it on the bed at home in Southaven. WHAT AN IDIOT! It was 12:30pm and I didn't have shoes. All that time I had spent fooling around earlier. Going to the funeral home, being at my mother in laws, and at wal-mart and once I got home I realized I should have been buying shoes while I was out. Anyway, my brother rushed me to payless to get some shoes. I picked the first pair I saw. I rushed back to the house to get ready.
Everyone was ready and the funeral directors wanted to have a family prayer. My dad prayed but I didn't get to hear it because Lil Fred had fallen asleep on the way back from payless and didn't wake up once we got back to the house. He began to snore really loudly during the prayer so I had to take him out to keep him from disturbing everyone. :(
Fred and I rode together and proceeded to the church with the family. I began to feel all hot and shaky. As we approached the church I began to cry, sobbing. I said loudly. "Fred, I am about to lose it!" He is so sweet. He held my hand and told me to get it together. I managed to pull it together to get in line to enter the church. As we waited outside. I began to cry again. We walked slowly into the church and I saw my aunt lying there in the coffin. I knew this would be the last time I would see her and I just wailed. Never has a funeral been this difficult for me. I guess because I knew her very well. I knew my grandparents, but not like I knew her. She made a doll for me that I still have to this day.
As the service went on, I began to find relief. The words of the pastor and remarks of the friends and classmates of my aunt were comforting. The heaviness finally lifted. We went to the burial site and laid my aunt to rest. The heaviness was gone. We went back to the church and had dinner. Afterwards the family met back at the house and just were together. We were together like we hadn't been for years. I hate that we had to come together because of a funeral, but I am glad we did come together. Aunt San would have loved to see everyone. But I guess she did...looking from Heaven.
After the walk, the family members began to wake up. Everyone was holding their own. No one was particularly sad looking. You could hear laughter and see smiles. I ate a breakfast of donuts (well, because they were there.) As a matter of fact, the whole house was a sweet addicts heaven. Anyway, I ended up leaving to go get a haircut from my husband's best friend. Fred and Lil Fred got haircuts too. While there, I talked with the best friend's wife who is a recovering food addict and is currently reaping the benefits of lapband surgery. She was telling me of her struggles as she works hard to reach her goals. I just went to talking....you can tell this is my passion. I could have talked and talked and talked to that girl for hours. Fred was in the barber's chair teasing me..."oh no, Mia is talking about food". He knows that I can go on and on with that subject! LOL!
After the haircuts, we went to my mother in laws. I started to feel heavy. I can't really explain the heaviness other than maybe the grief of my aunt's death was starting to set in. This was about 9am at this time. I asked my mother in law if she knew what time the funeral home opened so I could go an view the body before the funeral. She called the owner. Somehow my mother in law knows everyone in town. So she had him to open the funeral home so that I can view the body. He was going to open up anyway, but she was able to get him to come a little early for me. Fred, Lil Fred and I went to the funeral home. I walked in. She looked absolutely beautiful. I hadn't seen her look that peaceful in a while. I had only recently seen her struggle in the last few weeks of her life. So it was good to see her look like her old self. The company did a great job. I didn't cry. I felt relieved at that time. Fred took me back to my aunt's house were the family was. We got back and everyone was slowly preparing for the service. Fred and I sat on the couch when my mom and Aunt Trina left to go to walmart. I also left with Fred to get earrings and he needed a few things as well. We spent too much time there. I think I did it on purpose. I was just stalling.
We got back to the house about about 10:30am. Family members started to arrive. The funeral home wanted us to start lining up at 1:15pm. I wasn't even dress and both bathrooms were tied up. I finally started to get Lil Fred and myself ready. It was time to put my shoes on. Were is my other shoe??? I left it on the bed at home in Southaven. WHAT AN IDIOT! It was 12:30pm and I didn't have shoes. All that time I had spent fooling around earlier. Going to the funeral home, being at my mother in laws, and at wal-mart and once I got home I realized I should have been buying shoes while I was out. Anyway, my brother rushed me to payless to get some shoes. I picked the first pair I saw. I rushed back to the house to get ready.
Everyone was ready and the funeral directors wanted to have a family prayer. My dad prayed but I didn't get to hear it because Lil Fred had fallen asleep on the way back from payless and didn't wake up once we got back to the house. He began to snore really loudly during the prayer so I had to take him out to keep him from disturbing everyone. :(
Fred and I rode together and proceeded to the church with the family. I began to feel all hot and shaky. As we approached the church I began to cry, sobbing. I said loudly. "Fred, I am about to lose it!" He is so sweet. He held my hand and told me to get it together. I managed to pull it together to get in line to enter the church. As we waited outside. I began to cry again. We walked slowly into the church and I saw my aunt lying there in the coffin. I knew this would be the last time I would see her and I just wailed. Never has a funeral been this difficult for me. I guess because I knew her very well. I knew my grandparents, but not like I knew her. She made a doll for me that I still have to this day.
As the service went on, I began to find relief. The words of the pastor and remarks of the friends and classmates of my aunt were comforting. The heaviness finally lifted. We went to the burial site and laid my aunt to rest. The heaviness was gone. We went back to the church and had dinner. Afterwards the family met back at the house and just were together. We were together like we hadn't been for years. I hate that we had to come together because of a funeral, but I am glad we did come together. Aunt San would have loved to see everyone. But I guess she did...looking from Heaven.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A better Day Than Yesterday!!!
Talk about taking all I had to get up and work out this morning! I went to the gym. I didn't run in the neighborhood today. I just wanted to get on the elliptical and read. So that's what I did for 30 minutes. After that, I did about 30 minutes of ab work and headed home to prepare for the day. I had a busy day. The wake for my aunt is tomorrow and the funeral is Saturday at 2:00 pm. I want to go to Oxford early to sit with the family and just be there. I went to the nursing home to do a little PRN work and decided to go back in the morning and help out a little.
I have such a great support system. It is so good to have people on your team that care about you and your well being. Today, I decided to focus on the positive. I focused on how far God has taken me to meet the dreams that He has placed inside of me. I decided not to worry about those who are not strong enough to handle my vision...or those that are not strong enough to see the vision. I am thankful for those who are on my team and will continue to help me reach my fitness, healthy and business goals. My husband is a great support for both my health and business goals and so are my friends and my mother.
I had my first Fitness Nutrition client to call me today. She is just where I was when I was fed up with the way my life was going. She seems to be ready to make some changes. I am excited about working with her but I was very direct with her. I told her that nothing worth having comes easy. Anything meaningful has to be worked for. She seems to be willing to invest the time that it is going to take to make changes. She is a Christian too, so I can give her some of the biblical references and books that I used to help me make healthier choices. I let her know that I am not without my daily struggles and I also told her that she will always have to die to the flesh and it's wishes everyday. So...I could go on, but I am excited about this new challenge.
Oh yeah, the plantain weed worked wonderfully. Lil Fred's spider bite is totally healed. Isn't that great!
I ate well today. Today was a better day that yesterday. A wwwwaayyyy better day! What made it different? I HAD TO FIGHT TO REMAIN POSITIVE AND SEE THE BIG PICTURE! What is your big picture? What little steps will you take to make the picture complete?
I have such a great support system. It is so good to have people on your team that care about you and your well being. Today, I decided to focus on the positive. I focused on how far God has taken me to meet the dreams that He has placed inside of me. I decided not to worry about those who are not strong enough to handle my vision...or those that are not strong enough to see the vision. I am thankful for those who are on my team and will continue to help me reach my fitness, healthy and business goals. My husband is a great support for both my health and business goals and so are my friends and my mother.
I had my first Fitness Nutrition client to call me today. She is just where I was when I was fed up with the way my life was going. She seems to be ready to make some changes. I am excited about working with her but I was very direct with her. I told her that nothing worth having comes easy. Anything meaningful has to be worked for. She seems to be willing to invest the time that it is going to take to make changes. She is a Christian too, so I can give her some of the biblical references and books that I used to help me make healthier choices. I let her know that I am not without my daily struggles and I also told her that she will always have to die to the flesh and it's wishes everyday. So...I could go on, but I am excited about this new challenge.
Oh yeah, the plantain weed worked wonderfully. Lil Fred's spider bite is totally healed. Isn't that great!
I ate well today. Today was a better day that yesterday. A wwwwaayyyy better day! What made it different? I HAD TO FIGHT TO REMAIN POSITIVE AND SEE THE BIG PICTURE! What is your big picture? What little steps will you take to make the picture complete?
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Slow, Slow, Slow and Stress, Stress, Stress
Slow moving; stressful day.
My day started out great with a 3.2 mile jog this morning and 27 minutes of lower body strength training. I ate well at the begining of the day and then...mr. stress knocked on the door of my life. I began to wonder:
Why do things move so slowly? I am all set to go and things are just creeping along. I am being as patient, my staff is being as patient as they can be but something has got to give. Do they need us like they say that they do? I am starting to wonder. Where are all the cases that they promised us? We completed all of the training. We met with the director. What else do we need to do before we get started. WE ARE READY!..That's my vent about work...but it carried over into...my healthy life.
As my stress levels increase, my desire to binge eat arises. With the passing of my aunt, caseload issues at work and financial decisions that need to be made, I am stressed. I have been running and even doing an extra workout DVD, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have been reading the 119th Psalm to calm down a little, but I have been so wired and worried that I haven't even been able to focus on my time with the Lord. I have been forgetting to pray (praying only after I have spent an hour worrying. I have it all backwards: Pray first!!! Pray first!!!) All I want is something fattening and sweet. The good thing is that I don't keep those foods around any more. So the only choice I have are Kashi cookies, fruit, and my son's oreos and his goldfish crackers...those don't seem to hit the spot usually. So I made a grilled cheese sandwich and I ate my son's oreos (I hope he won't be looking for them tomorrow after school). It was delicious. High in fat and calories. Just the "fix" I needed.. I'll run it off I think to myself, but this will eventually catch up with me and destroy the year and 1/2 of hard work that I have put forth to get in the shape that I am in today. I need to remember my stress relieving strategies before the stress hits. Any ideas on how to remember to do that once stress has struck a mighty blow? It seems like when the stress hits, I go into survival primative mode when it comes to seeking comfort in food. I become like a starving bear or wolf in the woods. It's an old battle that I have been fighting and winning, but I didn't win tonight...stress did.
Okay...off to ask God for forgiveness. I didn't trust Him today. I put my faith in man's abilities and man's timing. I let the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches destroy my crop (Mark 4). I have come to find that my worrying and overeating today meant that I lost my focus on God and His promise to supply all of my needs. So please forgive me Lord for not trusting in you. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to trust you and your promises....Nighty-Night World.
My day started out great with a 3.2 mile jog this morning and 27 minutes of lower body strength training. I ate well at the begining of the day and then...mr. stress knocked on the door of my life. I began to wonder:
Why do things move so slowly? I am all set to go and things are just creeping along. I am being as patient, my staff is being as patient as they can be but something has got to give. Do they need us like they say that they do? I am starting to wonder. Where are all the cases that they promised us? We completed all of the training. We met with the director. What else do we need to do before we get started. WE ARE READY!..That's my vent about work...but it carried over into...my healthy life.
As my stress levels increase, my desire to binge eat arises. With the passing of my aunt, caseload issues at work and financial decisions that need to be made, I am stressed. I have been running and even doing an extra workout DVD, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I have been reading the 119th Psalm to calm down a little, but I have been so wired and worried that I haven't even been able to focus on my time with the Lord. I have been forgetting to pray (praying only after I have spent an hour worrying. I have it all backwards: Pray first!!! Pray first!!!) All I want is something fattening and sweet. The good thing is that I don't keep those foods around any more. So the only choice I have are Kashi cookies, fruit, and my son's oreos and his goldfish crackers...those don't seem to hit the spot usually. So I made a grilled cheese sandwich and I ate my son's oreos (I hope he won't be looking for them tomorrow after school). It was delicious. High in fat and calories. Just the "fix" I needed.. I'll run it off I think to myself, but this will eventually catch up with me and destroy the year and 1/2 of hard work that I have put forth to get in the shape that I am in today. I need to remember my stress relieving strategies before the stress hits. Any ideas on how to remember to do that once stress has struck a mighty blow? It seems like when the stress hits, I go into survival primative mode when it comes to seeking comfort in food. I become like a starving bear or wolf in the woods. It's an old battle that I have been fighting and winning, but I didn't win tonight...stress did.
Okay...off to ask God for forgiveness. I didn't trust Him today. I put my faith in man's abilities and man's timing. I let the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches destroy my crop (Mark 4). I have come to find that my worrying and overeating today meant that I lost my focus on God and His promise to supply all of my needs. So please forgive me Lord for not trusting in you. Tomorrow is another day and another chance to trust you and your promises....Nighty-Night World.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Bye Auntie San
Dear World,
My Aunt San died tonight about two hours ago. I will miss her a lot. I will miss her laugh and her love. Pray for our family as we celebrate the life of our beloved Sandra Sharma.
My Aunt San died tonight about two hours ago. I will miss her a lot. I will miss her laugh and her love. Pray for our family as we celebrate the life of our beloved Sandra Sharma.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Happy 4th!
Hello World,
Today is America's birthday. Happy Birthday America! This country has a lot of problems, we are racist as heck, oil is everywhere, we have two wars going on, we are greedy and self-centered, and losing our grip on God's way of doing and thinking. BUT Man do I love America. We are talented, goal oriented, multi-cultural, we have the best universities in the world, we are innovative and above all ANYTHING is possible. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that an african american man is President of the United States. No matter what you think of Obama and his policies or how the country is fairing, you have got to be proud that our country...yes America was able to look past race for just one night and elect someone different. Even the fact that Hillary Clinton was in the running for the democratic party was amazing. A woman. That is amazing. Even if it never happens again, that was a proud moment not just for the minority population but for the Country as a whole. There is more that I could say about this great country but we will leave it at that.
Lil Fred got bit by a spider for real this time. I freaked out. I was headed to the emergency room when I called my mom and she told me about the plantain weed and tea tree oil. She and my dad used this when they were both bit by a brown recluse (spelling??) spider. I don't think Bug got bit by that kind. I have only seen a few of those regular wood spiders so their remedy should definitely work. I got on the internet to see what I could find about this type of home remedy. There were tons of articles about people who had used this plant. I was amazed at the fact that it worked. We are so "medicine" wired now that home remedies seem to be ineffective. But according to my short research, this plant should do the trick. They say that there are four kinds of this plant that grows in the U.S. but the most popular kind grows around dandelions. Okay, I see dandelion weeds all the time. I went out into the yard and did not see one dandelion. I saw several plant that looked like the three other varieties, but I wanted to find a dandelion so that I know that I had the right one. For some reason every home I walked passed had freshly cut grass. WHAT! not one dandelion did I find. So I packed up the truck and headed on the search....found some dandelion in a park and grabbed as many leaves as I could. I already had tea tree oil. So I put it on the bite and within an hour his bandaid was full of the poison from the spider and the skin seemed to be healing. I am not kidding. I was so excited. I was so glad that I didn't have to go to the E.R. and spend money there and on whatever antibiotic they were going to give up that bug is allergic too. YEAH for HOME REMEDIES. I'll let you all know how it goes with the healing process.
Things are about the same with my aunt San.
Well, I am going to pop in a dvd and do some ab work and enjoy the rest of this holiday. I'll write later world.
Today is America's birthday. Happy Birthday America! This country has a lot of problems, we are racist as heck, oil is everywhere, we have two wars going on, we are greedy and self-centered, and losing our grip on God's way of doing and thinking. BUT Man do I love America. We are talented, goal oriented, multi-cultural, we have the best universities in the world, we are innovative and above all ANYTHING is possible. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that an african american man is President of the United States. No matter what you think of Obama and his policies or how the country is fairing, you have got to be proud that our country...yes America was able to look past race for just one night and elect someone different. Even the fact that Hillary Clinton was in the running for the democratic party was amazing. A woman. That is amazing. Even if it never happens again, that was a proud moment not just for the minority population but for the Country as a whole. There is more that I could say about this great country but we will leave it at that.
Lil Fred got bit by a spider for real this time. I freaked out. I was headed to the emergency room when I called my mom and she told me about the plantain weed and tea tree oil. She and my dad used this when they were both bit by a brown recluse (spelling??) spider. I don't think Bug got bit by that kind. I have only seen a few of those regular wood spiders so their remedy should definitely work. I got on the internet to see what I could find about this type of home remedy. There were tons of articles about people who had used this plant. I was amazed at the fact that it worked. We are so "medicine" wired now that home remedies seem to be ineffective. But according to my short research, this plant should do the trick. They say that there are four kinds of this plant that grows in the U.S. but the most popular kind grows around dandelions. Okay, I see dandelion weeds all the time. I went out into the yard and did not see one dandelion. I saw several plant that looked like the three other varieties, but I wanted to find a dandelion so that I know that I had the right one. For some reason every home I walked passed had freshly cut grass. WHAT! not one dandelion did I find. So I packed up the truck and headed on the search....found some dandelion in a park and grabbed as many leaves as I could. I already had tea tree oil. So I put it on the bite and within an hour his bandaid was full of the poison from the spider and the skin seemed to be healing. I am not kidding. I was so excited. I was so glad that I didn't have to go to the E.R. and spend money there and on whatever antibiotic they were going to give up that bug is allergic too. YEAH for HOME REMEDIES. I'll let you all know how it goes with the healing process.
Things are about the same with my aunt San.
Well, I am going to pop in a dvd and do some ab work and enjoy the rest of this holiday. I'll write later world.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Helpful Anger
I really can't stand sickness. I have a strong hate for all things unhealthy. I have been this way for all of my life. I can recall getting upset at "fat" and "junk food" and "illnesses" even as early as 10 years old. My mom used to say "You don't like fat". Yes, I have struggled with the same things that I hate so much but I have a strong desire to fight against these issues. I'd stand up for anyone who struggles in this area as I have for so long. I personally feel that we as Americans are heading down the wrong track as it relates to health and nutrition. A lot of things that the media says is great for us and great for our bodies is not. WE ARE DYING BY THE MILLIONS!!!From cancer and heart disease and diabetes....just because we don't have the time to wait for a good quality product. Manufacturers want to make as much money as they can. They dont care if what we are eating and doing is driving us to an early grave. THEY DON'T CARE! It drives me bonkers. We eat crap all of our lives; never exercise and then when disease sets in the doctors hand us a pill that only mask the real root of the problem. I was watching a commercial. This guy was getting major heart burn from eating his favorite foods (pizza, hot dogs..etc.) Another guy hands him a product to relieve his heart burn, and he went right back to eating that junk. What kind of message is that? The heart burn means that your body is trying to send a message. Reduce the consumption of the junk...don't mask it with a pill...Maybe I'm crazy. I think we need to listen to our bodies, not try to find ways to make it shut-up
My aunt is still holding on. I am going to see her again this weekend. I have to miss yet another bunco game and the Firecracker 5k for St. Jude. I was really looking forward to both, but family is first.
Still slowly reading my John Maxwell book and today's reading focused on strategic planning. I love to plan. I usually make my meal plans every Sunday. Now I want to plan for more than just a week. I am working on making a plan for two weeks....then three weeks...then maybe even be organized enough to make a plan for the month. Boy I am really jumping subjects today..Oh well...try to follow along..I'll write later.
My aunt is still holding on. I am going to see her again this weekend. I have to miss yet another bunco game and the Firecracker 5k for St. Jude. I was really looking forward to both, but family is first.
Still slowly reading my John Maxwell book and today's reading focused on strategic planning. I love to plan. I usually make my meal plans every Sunday. Now I want to plan for more than just a week. I am working on making a plan for two weeks....then three weeks...then maybe even be organized enough to make a plan for the month. Boy I am really jumping subjects today..Oh well...try to follow along..I'll write later.
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November 2011