Thyroid levels :(,weight

Since 2003, I have been struggling with the regulation of my thyroid hormone. I went through a procedure to deactivate or reduce the overactivity of my thyroid called radioactive iodine therapy. Well, I have not had any function in the thyroid for over six years. There have been times in which it has been regulated, but never where it should be. Guess what! I asked God for a new thyroid. A brand new one. I believe that this will happen for me, I am being patient and thanking him for restored thyroid function. Anyway, I went to the doctor last week for a three month check up on my thyroid and discovered that the dosage of synthroid I have been taking has not been high enough. Not only had my thyroid levels remained low since my last doctor's visit, it has gotten worse. It amazing though. I usually feel like crap when my thyroid levels aren't right. I have been feeling great. I have had extremely cold hands, but it's February. The doctor is sending me to an endocrinologist. I hope its one different than the one I have been going to since 2003. I'll let you know how that goes.

This morning I ran 3 miles. I took it easy today. I really wasn't feeling well. Fred and I both have sore throats and chest congestion. I completed a short strength training routine and went home to prepare for work. For lunch I had a salad while I read Finally Thin again. This book is amazing. Its even better this time around. Oh that reminds me, I went to weight in today and I have lost a total of 48lbs at Weight Watchers. This is not my official total, but my WW total. I am so excited. 13 more weeks before my one year anniversary since the day I decided to permanently get on the path to a healthy life. I am gonna go ahead and bring it home this last stretch. I am going to give it my all and reach my goal weight.

Mia

Church was just what I needed!

I WAS ON TIME FOR CHURCH! Can you believe it. Before the birth of my son, timeliness was a way of life for me. After Lil Fred came along, If I can just get there to hear the sermon is a miracle in itself. Today, I was able not only to get to church on time, but was even a little early. The message was entitled "Light the Fire". The text was from Ezra 3:1-7. The points of the message really hit home: 1. Make worship a priority (don't spend time with God only if you have nothing else to do. Do it first). 2) Everyone should worship God together, no matter what your position is in the world..polititians, garbage men 3) Know the purpose of worship a. Worship for forgiveness b.worship to get more intimate with God c. worship to find favor with God. The Pastor also mentioned something about doing things with the right motive. That was mentioned in my earlier post. I want to have my motive be to please God. I can't please people. I have been trying to do that all my life and have come to find that people are selfish and they still won't like you no matter how hard you try. So God is who I will please, then my husband and then my son.

Once Fred gets off work today, I think that I will go for a run in the park. After church Bug asked if we could go "eat-eat". He now knows that we go to IHOP or Cracker Barrel after church, so I decided that we would call Fred and eat something quick so that he could join us. We went to McDonald's and ate breakfast there. That is definitely not on my eating plan, but what the "hey" it's family time right. So I am going to do an extra run to make up for a little of that. I know I won't be able to get it all, but I could burn some of those calories.

I also have to prepare my eating schedule, lesson plans for my students and prepare my clothes for the week. I want Fred to cut my hair...or at least shape it up for me, but he thinks it look good, so he won't. Well, I guess that is all I have to write about today. If something else comes up, I'll log on and let you know. Bye world.

Enjoying the Life I have today

When I began this process of a healthy life, I knew that this time I would get to my goal weight and things would be different from any other time I have tried to "fix" myself. For the past couple of days, I realized that I have spent so much time trying to "fix" Mia that I havent' even enjoyed Mia in the present. I have always felt that once I loose weight.....then or if I just had more money then.....when I get a bigger house.....then....when my business makes more money.....then. So, what I am saying is then has to be my now.  I want to like my life right now...just as it is. I need to open my eyes and see how wonderful my life is just the way it is right now. I spend so much time...for a long time for about 10 years I haven't felt anything. I have been in the protective box afraid of being hurt. Not wanting to make friends, because of what others in the past have done. I let the past control me. So far, I have begun to master not letting the past control me, now I am going to work on not letting the future control me. Yes, I will continue to reach my goals, but with a different motivation. My previous motivations were similar to this: "If I loose weight, then I can go here and do that!" "When I make enough money than I can do this and do that", "I'll buy new furniture for my new house". Not any more!!! I am going to enjoy my life today. I am staying in "my lane". I am not looking over the shoulders of others and comparing my life anymore. To be honest, their lives probably aren't as perfect as I imagine. For some reason I feel that others have it waaaaayyyy better than I do. But I have it good and the sad part about it, I just realized it. I have spent countless amount of time trying not to make the same mistakes as my mother and the same mistakes as my father, but the more I ignore the life I have now and keep chasing the life I "think" is better the more I see my dad in myself. That's what he did. He lived in the past. He wanted the "football" life even after that life was over. We suffered dearly. My mother was so busy trying to please someone that couldn't be pleased that she forgot about herself. I can't go down that road.  I have spent years secretly wanting to change my husband into this "white collar' guy who is into reading (and only occasionally like sports) who speaks perfect Standard American English, but that's not who I married or fell in love with. I fell in love with the guy I have now. He hasn't changed. He won't change. He doesn't need to change. I need to see him, just like he has always been able to see me. So during this lent season, I am going to ask God to help me to stop coveting and look in other peoples' backyards and enjoy what I have today. I am going to stop trying to make people like me that will never like me. I don't need anyone's approval, but God's and from here on out that's all I will seek...God's approval and the rest will take care of itself. I realize that the only people on this earth that really truly matter is my husband and my son. I have also spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make enough money to care for my parents once they age, but I can't do that anymore. When the time comes for them to need my help, God will make sure that I have what  I need to take care of them. Don't get me wrong, I still want to invest money and open business, but my motivation will be different, no longer is it to "show" those who didn't think I was worth anything. No longer will it be to get my Dad's support and appreciation. I now realize that they don't care and have never cared about me or what I am doing. Things will now be done for the approval of God and then my husband and son. This is a recent revelation. I can see thing a little better now. I am going to live life for God, me and my immediate family. I am letting worry, people pleasing and self hatred go..today. I love my life. The life I have today. The body I have today. The job I have today. The friends I have today. The family I have today. The husband I have today.

This week, I have been eating very well. TNT met yesterday and we completed 8 miles on a trail run. It was a little more challenging for me. I prefer running on the street as opposed to running on the gravel and soft grass. The others enjoyed the trail better. I didn't dislike it, I just prefer the flat ground. It was a great run.

 I went to our bookclub meeting yesterday. I had a great time. It was good seeing the girls after several months. They all notice my weight loss which was a confidence booster. The funny thing is that none of us finished the book. We all could n't get past the dark parts of the novel. I have of course read several other books since, but I just couldn't get into our selection. We still had a great time talking and eating. I ate well. Not to much, but I ate.

Well, I am on my way to church. I will write later today.

Valentine's Day

Fred and I celebrated Valentine's Day last night on the 13th. He gave me a fruit basket from edible arrangements and lots of balloons. His cousin Tonya came to watch buggie while we got a change to go out to dinner. The restaurants were packed. We went to two of them before we settled on a chinese restaurant. I had so much fun just looking in his eyes and holding his hand. Just like we did when we first started dating. What a man! What a man!. I love being in love. Its as if we are the only people in the world. Happy Valentine's Day....Mia and Fred!

12.5 Miles Completed.

We had a great run this morning. We completed 12.5 miles in 35 degree weather. It took us about 2 hours 18 minutes. I felt great. After my ride home, I started to feel stiffness in my knee, but other than that I was fine. I came home and made myself and ice bath. I guess it helped, but sitting in cold water and ice was difficult to do. I stayed in about 10 minutes, then I took a warm shower.

I have been in my plateau for about  four months. During this time, I have made a lot of emotional closure and have reach a lot of areas of forgiveness. Don't get me wrong, I still have a long way to go. I see now that I needed this plateau time to stop and assess my real issues with Mia. This morning, I woke up with the same enthusiasm that I had the first week I joined Weight Watchers. I think I am about to get to the finish line. I am about to get to my goal weight of 160 really soon. I am ready for the challenge. Tonight, Fred and I are going to celebrate Valentine's Day in Oxford. Because we do not have anyone to keep Bug here in town, we are going to Oxford and hopefully someone will be able to keep him while we catch a dinner and a movie. Hopefully we will get some alone time.

Mommy's Sick, Hubby Running

I have been so sick this week. I haven't been eating well or exercising well this week. I think I have a stomach virus. It has lasted all this week. I only ran 1x this week. I rode the bike the other days and I didn't even go to the gym this morning. Boooooo. The good thing is my husband started working out this week. He has begun the Couch to 5k program.

I went to my Weight Management meeting. I gained a little, but it was a great meeting. I am so glad that I went. We also listed our successes.We were instructed to write ourselves a Valentine card. I wrote "I am special" on my card. I have been looking at the card daily.

Tomorrow, I will be feeling better. I have decided that I will not be sick tomorrow. We are going to complete 12 miles. YEAH!!! I am so excited.

Yeah! 10.9 miles

This morning I completed 10.9 miles with the Team in Training. Not only did we complete 10 miles. We ran in 13 mph winds and 38 degree weather. It was windy and very cold. My hands froze to immobility. I could even feel them. I still had a great time. I left my Ipod so I had to listen to my thoughts. There were a few moments when we conversed, but because of the weather we were quiet most of the time. We were just trying to complete the mileage.

After our run, the group went to Perkins for breakfast. I didn't go. I was ready to go home and tell Fred about the run. Besides my knees and ankles were so sore. I was ready to go home and ice them down. I will have to eat with them at another time.

Once I took a shower and everything, I went to Oxford to see my in-laws.  We also went to pick some clothes that  my sister-in-law gave to Buggie now that her son  has out grown them. While there my sister came to show me the new house that she is about to purchase. It is out in country. She is so excited about it. I am happy that she is starting to do things that make her happy. I can't wait until she has her first "get together" in her huge yard.

Supportive Husband, Supportive Sister!

Yesterday, my sister and her friend Susie came and had lunch with me and my assistant. THEY wanted to eat at a buffet (you already know how I feel about buffets), but Erica and I decided to eat at one since they drove all this way to hang out with us. As we walked in, I noticed that I didn't get the overwhelming feeling that I used to get when I walked into a place like that. I just was cool and calm. ( I usually get very nervous in a buffet. Especially when I was really overweight.) We walked to the table. Tamara and her friend went to the buffet and Erica went to the rest room. I sat there waiting at the table. So I decided to call Fred. He asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was at Ryans. He said "Ryans?" I said "yes". He answered, "Why do you sound so sad?" I replied "Well, I really wanted to do well today with my eating and here I am at a buffet." The girls were coming back to the table and I didn't want to be a "kill joy" so I told Fred that I would call him back later. I went to the buffet and got a plate: baked chicken, green beans and field peas. Yeah. Great choices. Once I sat at the table, I received a text message from Fred. I opened it. It read: Watch out for hungry!. I smiled and told the others what message he sent. Oooooos and Ahhhhs from my table mates. Isn't that so supportive. I just love him. By the way for those of you who are not familiar with the term "hungry", He is the mascot for Weight Watchers. He is a little orange monster that trys to tempt you with food. It is the cutest little thing that they have as a marketing tool for their commercials. So, I just thought that was cute and supportive of Fred to send that text message.

We had a great time at the buffet. I did go overboard with dessert. I had quite a few chocolate chip cookies. I have forgiven myself. Its in the past.

This morning was a great morning. I worked out as usual and decided to get back on track with my eating plan. I really reflected on how well I have done since June. I have really lost and KEPT OFF a great deal of weight. I have been tackling some of my issues instead of trying to eat them away. I am a runner now. I have been more organized and focused. I am wrapping up my SFN certification. I am raising money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. And...in less than two months I will be able to say that I trained for and completed my first of many marathons....26.2 miles here I come.

I went to work, saw my patients. Once I completed my visits, a parent called my cell phone to tell me that her daughter, who has never talked, said a sentence. I almost lost it. I couldn't believe it. She not only said a word. She said, "I want mama". Wasn't that amazing. I just knew she was taking all of the stimulation in:  from her mother, father, family, friends, therapist. It is paying off. She said a full sentence. Subject and verb. GREAT JOB A.G.

Old, stale, rotten emotions....time to clean out the fridge

Man, last week was an interesting week. I never realized how many suppressed memories still lingered from my childhood of abuse, my tough teenage and college years and the early part of accepting who I had become. They actually surfaced last week. Oh, by the way it triggered a little overeating and I gained a pound last week. Boooooo.

Anyway, a reconnection with an old friend on the internet launched feelings of closure, only to have it retracted less than 24 hours later. I couldn't understand why this would happen after so many years had past. The old feelings of rejection surfaced. I recalled the rejection from my father and the rejection from others and especially the rejection that I have always felt from myself. I never thought I was good enough. I always thought that no one would want anything to do with me and when that rejection happened last week, I took it personally. The feelings of rejection hit like a ton of bricks. I told my husband about the reconnection and he was excited for me. He knows how rough of a time I had with this particular friend and he was even with me at the end (or should I say when I realized it was the end) of that friendship and supported me. Held my hand as I cried. So to tell him that I was able to not only reconnect, but to actually send a nice message to this person was a big sign of growth for me. I got so excited that I even wanted to reconnect with some other people that I felt had hurt me in the past or took advantage of my loyalty (old coworkers, college friends, ect.)

BUT when I received the retraction, I felt that the other possible reconnections were not worth the effort. Fred immediately got in my corner and stated. "MIA, WHEN THE RETRACTION TOOK PLACE, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. THEY HAVE A LACK OF TRUST IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE WHAT WE HAVE!!! WHEN YOU FIND CLOSURE IT IS FOR YOU, NOT FOR THEM!" It didn't make me feel better. I don't know how to do anything for, Mia. I am just learning how to do what Mia wants me to do. Fred is beginning to understand that I take things more personally than most people. Most people who didn't have an abusive childhood and had stability in their lives can handle loss better than I can. I take loss as something wrong with me. Something that I did wrong. Maybe if I looked better, he would like me, if I work a little harder they will like me more at work, if I make sure to give them something, they will be my friend. I turn inward. There are some people I can't even make eye contact with because I feel that they hate me, but really its probably the hate that I have always had for myself....especially when I have lost. Loss and rejection has caused me to forget certain things and people. My sister will ask me if I remember when such and such happended or do I remember such and such...I can't. She always said "Mia, you found a happy place". No, that's just how I dealt with hurt at the time. The person or persons that I felt hurt me or abandoned me and all of their associates were erased from my memory. Some of the terrible things that my father said and did to me have been totally erased from my memory. It takes my sister to help me bring it up. Cause I can't remember it. Its the weirdest thing.

But ever since last year when I decided to face some of my demons, I have been able to grow as a person, reason a little better and make since out of some of my hurts.  Some of the situations were not even as bad as I made them out to be. I have been able to just recently revealed to Fred my emotional eating disorder that I have suffered with since I was 13 years old (the roots started before 13, but that's when I started the binging and occassional purging). God has been my couselor in this and has given me the strength to tell my husband. I was so afraid for years that Fred was going to leave me for someone better (just like what I thought had happened to me, emphasis on thought), that I tried to be perfect. Perfection was my everyday goal. I can't let this one get away no matter what. I went above and beyond the call of duty. When I found out that he had an addiction to something, it destroyed me. I wanted to give up on us. You don't love me I thought. But he does love me. He always did. I just needed to love myself so that I could see what he sees in me. I have begun to do that. I am at the stage now where I think that I am "alright". I am getting to the point where I don't feel like a loser.

My sister tells me. Mia you are not a loser. You have a husband, a child, your own business, a masters degree. What about that is a loser??? I tell her, I don't feel like you feel about what I have done. I just don't. I'm getting better everyday. My confidence if building everyday. I am beginning to enjoy who I have become.
When I talk to my sister about my feelings and we ended up going back to that house on Andrews street. Wow!! I really want to be free from all this. My sister and I discussed writing a book or an article to let all of the emotions out and to also help others who have been abused and had to hide it. I think that was the toughest part of all of this... we had to hide it all. Pretend as if everything was okay. Smile for the people. Look happy. The funny thing about all of that is...what was going on on the insided of that house on Andrews street can now be seen on the outside. It all started when I went off to college. I would come home for the weekend and there would be a new junk car in the yard and eventually it all piled up. Junk everywhere. My father became a hoarder. My mother took her usual role of passiveness and said or did nothing. She is afraid of him. She even has to monitor what she says so that she won't make him upset. She said  nothing while we were screamed at and beat for just wanting to be free like other kids. Dad was losing control of us and I guess he lost control of other things in his life so he began to control objects and possessions and trash. My dad never saw the value of the family and the life that he had outside of the NFL. He was still chasing the life of a professional football player that he let his ego get in the way of. He never forgave himself for losing out on that life, but he needed to realized that that was temporary. It only lasted 2 years. It lasted as long as it was supposed to last. He never let it go and spent 30 years trying to get back to that status. That approval from people. He never realized that he already had people that loved him...for him, not for being a "football" player. I have come to find that that life ain't what its cracked up to be anyway. Drugs, sex, egos, fake people, family members using you, having to "put on" for the camera, ignoring those who really care for you to show off for those who are only you friends for what they feel they can get from you, some even wake up every morning wanting to die. I have watched too many of those athletes' and superstars' stories with my husband, No one wants that and those that do find out that its not worth the price. Just be regular. Enjoy being regular. That's what I am doing.  I'm working on enjoying being plain old Mia Jaquay Cole Kimmons. Sorry to keep getting off track. What was I saying......

So, I asked God, "Please  help me with these feelings of self-hatred and rejection. They have been halting my progress in life for years and I let how others feel about me dictate my every move in life." I'll show dad that I'm worth something. I'll show him that someone does want me and that I am not fat and ugly. I'll show him (sidebar-I'm better now, but in the past it was worse). I thought all of those pains were gone, but they resurfaced last week.  After asking God to help me, I looked on my book shelf and picked up a book that has been there for years. I never read it. It's by Joyce Meyer (I love her) and its called Beauty for Ashes. I never thought the book was for me. I got it as a free offer for donating to her ministry. I thought the book was just for those that had been sexually abused by their fathers. That never happened to me, so I thought that that was all the book was about. I even almost gave it away a few years ago when a family member revealed to me that they had been sexually abused. She wasn't ready to deal with it, so I kept the book. Well guess what!! I am on chapter 6 and this book is for anyone who has been through any kind of emotional abuse. The abuse I suffered or should I say we suffered as kids was isolation, verbal, biblical (people using the bible to manipulate you),physical and emotional. She talks about all of that in this book. It had been a great help to me on this health journey. So, even though last week hurt and It brought up old feelings of self-hatred, betrayal and rejection (even a little weight gain)....it lead me to  more healing and self discovery. So today, I am letting last week go and the people in it go. I am going to deal head on with all that hurt. I am going to stare it in the face and look it in the eye. I have a great life. I am a great person. I like me and people like me too. I am beautiful. God is going to restore all that I have lost some 30, some 60 and some 100 folds. So I am cleaning out the fridge. To do that you have to take everything out and find out what is rotten. I am taking all of my emotions out getting  to the rotten ones...picking them up smelling them, looking at them, asking how long has this been in there, what is this....and THEN I'm gonna throw them out.