Over the past two years, I have been wresting with old demons and facing a lot of truths about me, my family and people that I encounter. As I continue to make a name for myself and make a difference in the world around me, I discovered that most of us in some form or another have the same desires..to be happy. The things we buy, the people we surround ourselves with or not, the jobs we seek are all our attempts to obtain and maintain happiness. We will even pretend to be happy just to try and fool ourselves. We will tell others we are happy even when we are not just to protect the people in our lives or maybe to not be exposed as being unhappy.
I have come to believe that true happiness (this goes without saying) is only found in God and His Word. But what does it say about how we should feel about ourselves. I believe that God wants us to love ourselves like He loves us...unconditionally.
So where have I been, in "La-La-Land" "Protectionville". I have protected myself by thinking that people have my best interest at heart and that I was the reason for the bad endings. What can I change about me so that this situation never happen again. How can I make people be pleased with me. They can't. Because they are not pleased with themselves. They lie and cheat to seek happiness. I am on the road to possessing a certain freedom that most lack...the freedom of being yourself: not keeping up with the Jones'. I know of those working their butts off, not to save for the future, but to have the latest material thing that will get people "talking".
My need to gain approval has kept me scatter brained for the last 20 years of my life. Just because certain people that I felt were important (at the time) rejected me, I have been seeking that same acceptance that I will NEVER EVER obtain. Ignoring the unconditional love from God and my wonderful true friends and loving husband. I didn't even realize how I longed for the acceptance of those people that threw me away like I was trash. Waiting for my dad to not be jealous,but proud of me .Waiting for my mother to get out of denial about her life and the life that we had. So my search for happiness has lead me to letting others go. God is continuing to deliver me from "people" and what they think of me. The fear of failure and rejection is slowly but surely dying. I can finally say that I am happy with Mia just the way she is...fat or thin, pregnant, big hands, big feet, big eyes, small ears and misaligned teeth (getting braces after the baby). I think I just could never truly see myself. I only saw what others saw. Whether fat or thin, I always saw a fat disgusting girl, because that is what I thought those who rejected me saw. Today, I want to apologize to Mia for how I have treated her. I have been just as rejecting to her as others. Even though you will never hear this from the people you want to hear it most from...I am saying it to you...Mia, I am sorry for the way I treated you. You did not deserve to be treated in such a manner. You are very special and will make a difference in the world.
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