How to believe God

This entry has nothing to do with health. I guess it does. Anyway, here goes.

I am in a dark place right now. I started, but I have now given up. I can go on with my daily events, but my heart is heavy. I am upset about my son's inability to understand and process basic information. It is amazing how in some instances he is just like a normal four year old. Then you ask him what he did at his uncle's house and he can't tell you. No ability to engage in complex conversations. He should be able to do this at four years old. He has the conversational skills of a 30 month old. Tears...... On the positive side, he is getting better. With therapy, maturity, and what Fred and I do at home with him, he has gotten better.

I watched this video about believing in God for your children.  The text was from Mark 9:14-32. It was about how Jesus healed a boy but first has asked the Father of the boy if he believed. Jesus said to him. If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believe. He answered Jesus by saying I believe: help my unbelief. I am asking God to help my unbelief. I want to know certainly that God will answered my prayers. My faith is weak. The only way to make it strong is to stay in the Word, but I am so angry that I do not want to go to God. I guess right now, I am upset with Him.  Not only because of my son, but because  I feel that some of the things that I am suffering from now is because of mistakes that I made. I should have never undergone radioactive iodine treatment. I set myself up for permanent dependence on the medical profession and they don't have the answer. They are clueless. I didn't know that I could have gone into remission with Hyperthyroidism by just eating right and getting off of so much salt (this was years ago, I was 24 years old). So this procedure left me hypothyroid and dependent on hormone replacement. So here it is almost nine years later, I am still suffering from hormone imbalance.  I am angry about that. I have difficulty forgiving myself for such a lack of research on the matter. Mind you I had this procedure in 2003. I was fresh out of graduate school and I just wanted to feel better. Recently, after I had Nicholas, my levels have been off and my muscles are stiff as a result. I have trouble exercising. It makes me upset. I should be at my healthy weight by now. My Nick-Nick is almost eight months old and I am nowhere near healthy. Did my thyroid imbalance negatively affect Frederick's language and cognitive development? Maybe, it did. Did the radiation in my system from this procedure I had four years before his birth affect his development? Maybe. Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief. Help me to forgive, free me from my spiritual debt. Help thou my unbelief.

I have asked God for things and I get them. It is because I believe that I can have them. For some reason, I feel that I don't deserve His mercy in these areas. It is funny how I can believe God in some areas, but have difficulty believing God in other areas.

I want a new thyroid. I want my son's mind to be on target, with intellect, language skills and maturity that is age appropriate. Lord, as you helped the father and the boy with the dumb and deaf spirit. Help me and my son. Help my unbelief.