My Only Option

Good Morning World,

I can't sleep. My mind is racing. I have very selfish thoughts. I want to go to my room get under the covers and just stay there for the rest of my life. I don't want to ever come out. I don't want to eat. I want to quit reading. I want to quit calling my friends. I want to quit writing. I want to quit watching t.v. I want to quit bathing (that would be awful). I want to quit hugging.  I want to quit thinking. I want to quit working. I want to quit laughing. I want to quit driving. I want to quit giving. I want to quit knowing. I want to quit walking. I want to quit running. I want to quit trying.I want to quit learning. I want to quit loving. I want to quit praying. I want to quit dreaming. I want to quit quitting.

My whole existence is for my son. The whole reason for the fulfillment of my dreams is because of him. The reason for my success is my son. The reason for wanting to be healthy is my son. The reason for Nicholas was to have a playmate and companion for my son...

But I can't quit. I will learn from Bug, my sweet Lil Fred. I go on because he doesn't quit. I watch him work hard everyday. He wants to go to school everyday. He wants to play everyday. He never quits thinking. He never quits reading. He never quits calling his friends. He never quits writing. He never quits watching t.v. He never quits bathing. He never quits hugging. He never quits thinking. He never quits working. He never quits laughing. He never quits riding his bike. He never quits giving. He never quits knowing. He never quits walking. He never quits running. He never quits trying. He never quits learning. He never quits loving. He never quits praying. He never quits dreaming. He never quits....As I learn to put my feelings of grief and anger aside for you Bug. Help me draw from your courage and your tenacity, my sweet boy. Today and everyday, my sweet Bug,I learn from you...never, ever, quit.

My love for Bug will keep me from quitting. Love is so strong. Love is patient. It can wait. It can heal. It is stronger than anything. Stronger than death itself (Solomon 8:6).  My only option (as I write this in tears) is to keep going. Its okay to cry, it's okay for plans to change but it's not okay to quit.

God, I learn from how you never quit, because of our disobedience your plans for us had to change from what they were in the beginning. Your son Jesus was dead. Think about that. He was dead. He had every sickness, disease, mental illness and unforgiveness and every addiction and every lie in His body. He carried to the cross. He died. He was dead. A lot of the prophets of many religions died. But my savior was raised from the dead by God who is Love and Jesus lives. He lives in me and my son.

My only option is to never quit. I learn from you God. I learn from you my Lil Fred. Never quit.