Man, last week was an interesting week. I never realized how many suppressed memories still lingered from my childhood of abuse, my tough teenage and college years and the early part of accepting who I had become. They actually surfaced last week. Oh, by the way it triggered a little overeating and I gained a pound last week. Boooooo.
Anyway, a reconnection with an old friend on the internet launched feelings of closure, only to have it retracted less than 24 hours later. I couldn't understand why this would happen after so many years had past. The old feelings of rejection surfaced. I recalled the rejection from my father and the rejection from others and especially the rejection that I have always felt from myself. I never thought I was good enough. I always thought that no one would want anything to do with me and when that rejection happened last week, I took it personally. The feelings of rejection hit like a ton of bricks. I told my husband about the reconnection and he was excited for me. He knows how rough of a time I had with this particular friend and he was even with me at the end (or should I say when I realized it was the end) of that friendship and supported me. Held my hand as I cried. So to tell him that I was able to not only reconnect, but to actually send a nice message to this person was a big sign of growth for me. I got so excited that I even wanted to reconnect with some other people that I felt had hurt me in the past or took advantage of my loyalty (old coworkers, college friends, ect.)
BUT when I received the retraction, I felt that the other possible reconnections were not worth the effort. Fred immediately got in my corner and stated. "MIA, WHEN THE RETRACTION TOOK PLACE, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. THAT IS THEIR PROBLEM. THEY HAVE A LACK OF TRUST IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE WHAT WE HAVE!!! WHEN YOU FIND CLOSURE IT IS FOR YOU, NOT FOR THEM!" It didn't make me feel better. I don't know how to do anything for, Mia. I am just learning how to do what Mia wants me to do. Fred is beginning to understand that I take things more personally than most people. Most people who didn't have an abusive childhood and had stability in their lives can handle loss better than I can. I take loss as something wrong with me. Something that I did wrong. Maybe if I looked better, he would like me, if I work a little harder they will like me more at work, if I make sure to give them something, they will be my friend. I turn inward. There are some people I can't even make eye contact with because I feel that they hate me, but really its probably the hate that I have always had for myself....especially when I have lost. Loss and rejection has caused me to forget certain things and people. My sister will ask me if I remember when such and such happended or do I remember such and such...I can't. She always said "Mia, you found a happy place". No, that's just how I dealt with hurt at the time. The person or persons that I felt hurt me or abandoned me and all of their associates were erased from my memory. Some of the terrible things that my father said and did to me have been totally erased from my memory. It takes my sister to help me bring it up. Cause I can't remember it. Its the weirdest thing.
But ever since last year when I decided to face some of my demons, I have been able to grow as a person, reason a little better and make since out of some of my hurts. Some of the situations were not even as bad as I made them out to be. I have been able to just recently revealed to Fred my emotional eating disorder that I have suffered with since I was 13 years old (the roots started before 13, but that's when I started the binging and occassional purging). God has been my couselor in this and has given me the strength to tell my husband. I was so afraid for years that Fred was going to leave me for someone better (just like what I thought had happened to me, emphasis on thought), that I tried to be perfect. Perfection was my everyday goal. I can't let this one get away no matter what. I went above and beyond the call of duty. When I found out that he had an addiction to something, it destroyed me. I wanted to give up on us. You don't love me I thought. But he does love me. He always did. I just needed to love myself so that I could see what he sees in me. I have begun to do that. I am at the stage now where I think that I am "alright". I am getting to the point where I don't feel like a loser.
My sister tells me. Mia you are not a loser. You have a husband, a child, your own business, a masters degree. What about that is a loser??? I tell her, I don't feel like you feel about what I have done. I just don't. I'm getting better everyday. My confidence if building everyday. I am beginning to enjoy who I have become.
When I talk to my sister about my feelings and we ended up going back to that house on Andrews street. Wow!! I really want to be free from all this. My sister and I discussed writing a book or an article to let all of the emotions out and to also help others who have been abused and had to hide it. I think that was the toughest part of all of this... we had to hide it all. Pretend as if everything was okay. Smile for the people. Look happy. The funny thing about all of that is...what was going on on the insided of that house on Andrews street can now be seen on the outside. It all started when I went off to college. I would come home for the weekend and there would be a new junk car in the yard and eventually it all piled up. Junk everywhere. My father became a hoarder. My mother took her usual role of passiveness and said or did nothing. She is afraid of him. She even has to monitor what she says so that she won't make him upset. She said nothing while we were screamed at and beat for just wanting to be free like other kids. Dad was losing control of us and I guess he lost control of other things in his life so he began to control objects and possessions and trash. My dad never saw the value of the family and the life that he had outside of the NFL. He was still chasing the life of a professional football player that he let his ego get in the way of. He never forgave himself for losing out on that life, but he needed to realized that that was temporary. It only lasted 2 years. It lasted as long as it was supposed to last. He never let it go and spent 30 years trying to get back to that status. That approval from people. He never realized that he already had people that loved him...for him, not for being a "football" player. I have come to find that that life ain't what its cracked up to be anyway. Drugs, sex, egos, fake people, family members using you, having to "put on" for the camera, ignoring those who really care for you to show off for those who are only you friends for what they feel they can get from you, some even wake up every morning wanting to die. I have watched too many of those athletes' and superstars' stories with my husband, No one wants that and those that do find out that its not worth the price. Just be regular. Enjoy being regular. That's what I am doing. I'm working on enjoying being plain old Mia Jaquay Cole Kimmons. Sorry to keep getting off track. What was I saying......
So, I asked God, "Please help me with these feelings of self-hatred and rejection. They have been halting my progress in life for years and I let how others feel about me dictate my every move in life." I'll show dad that I'm worth something. I'll show him that someone does want me and that I am not fat and ugly. I'll show him (sidebar-I'm better now, but in the past it was worse). I thought all of those pains were gone, but they resurfaced last week. After asking God to help me, I looked on my book shelf and picked up a book that has been there for years. I never read it. It's by Joyce Meyer (I love her) and its called Beauty for Ashes. I never thought the book was for me. I got it as a free offer for donating to her ministry. I thought the book was just for those that had been sexually abused by their fathers. That never happened to me, so I thought that that was all the book was about. I even almost gave it away a few years ago when a family member revealed to me that they had been sexually abused. She wasn't ready to deal with it, so I kept the book. Well guess what!! I am on chapter 6 and this book is for anyone who has been through any kind of emotional abuse. The abuse I suffered or should I say we suffered as kids was isolation, verbal, biblical (people using the bible to manipulate you),physical and emotional. She talks about all of that in this book. It had been a great help to me on this health journey. So, even though last week hurt and It brought up old feelings of self-hatred, betrayal and rejection (even a little weight gain)....it lead me to more healing and self discovery. So today, I am letting last week go and the people in it go. I am going to deal head on with all that hurt. I am going to stare it in the face and look it in the eye. I have a great life. I am a great person. I like me and people like me too. I am beautiful. God is going to restore all that I have lost some 30, some 60 and some 100 folds. So I am cleaning out the fridge. To do that you have to take everything out and find out what is rotten. I am taking all of my emotions out getting to the rotten ones...picking them up smelling them, looking at them, asking how long has this been in there, what is this....and THEN I'm gonna throw them out.
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