When I began this process of a healthy life, I knew that this time I would get to my goal weight and things would be different from any other time I have tried to "fix" myself. For the past couple of days, I realized that I have spent so much time trying to "fix" Mia that I havent' even enjoyed Mia in the present. I have always felt that once I loose weight.....then or if I just had more money then.....when I get a bigger house.....then....when my business makes more money.....then. So, what I am saying is then has to be my now. I want to like my life right now...just as it is. I need to open my eyes and see how wonderful my life is just the way it is right now. I spend so much time...for a long time for about 10 years I haven't felt anything. I have been in the protective box afraid of being hurt. Not wanting to make friends, because of what others in the past have done. I let the past control me. So far, I have begun to master not letting the past control me, now I am going to work on not letting the future control me. Yes, I will continue to reach my goals, but with a different motivation. My previous motivations were similar to this: "If I loose weight, then I can go here and do that!" "When I make enough money than I can do this and do that", "I'll buy new furniture for my new house". Not any more!!! I am going to enjoy my life today. I am staying in "my lane". I am not looking over the shoulders of others and comparing my life anymore. To be honest, their lives probably aren't as perfect as I imagine. For some reason I feel that others have it waaaaayyyy better than I do. But I have it good and the sad part about it, I just realized it. I have spent countless amount of time trying not to make the same mistakes as my mother and the same mistakes as my father, but the more I ignore the life I have now and keep chasing the life I "think" is better the more I see my dad in myself. That's what he did. He lived in the past. He wanted the "football" life even after that life was over. We suffered dearly. My mother was so busy trying to please someone that couldn't be pleased that she forgot about herself. I can't go down that road. I have spent years secretly wanting to change my husband into this "white collar' guy who is into reading (and only occasionally like sports) who speaks perfect Standard American English, but that's not who I married or fell in love with. I fell in love with the guy I have now. He hasn't changed. He won't change. He doesn't need to change. I need to see him, just like he has always been able to see me. So during this lent season, I am going to ask God to help me to stop coveting and look in other peoples' backyards and enjoy what I have today. I am going to stop trying to make people like me that will never like me. I don't need anyone's approval, but God's and from here on out that's all I will seek...God's approval and the rest will take care of itself. I realize that the only people on this earth that really truly matter is my husband and my son. I have also spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to make enough money to care for my parents once they age, but I can't do that anymore. When the time comes for them to need my help, God will make sure that I have what I need to take care of them. Don't get me wrong, I still want to invest money and open business, but my motivation will be different, no longer is it to "show" those who didn't think I was worth anything. No longer will it be to get my Dad's support and appreciation. I now realize that they don't care and have never cared about me or what I am doing. Things will now be done for the approval of God and then my husband and son. This is a recent revelation. I can see thing a little better now. I am going to live life for God, me and my immediate family. I am letting worry, people pleasing and self hatred go..today. I love my life. The life I have today. The body I have today. The job I have today. The friends I have today. The family I have today. The husband I have today.
This week, I have been eating very well. TNT met yesterday and we completed 8 miles on a trail run. It was a little more challenging for me. I prefer running on the street as opposed to running on the gravel and soft grass. The others enjoyed the trail better. I didn't dislike it, I just prefer the flat ground. It was a great run.
I went to our bookclub meeting yesterday. I had a great time. It was good seeing the girls after several months. They all notice my weight loss which was a confidence booster. The funny thing is that none of us finished the book. We all could n't get past the dark parts of the novel. I have of course read several other books since, but I just couldn't get into our selection. We still had a great time talking and eating. I ate well. Not to much, but I ate.
Well, I am on my way to church. I will write later today.
No comments:
Post a Comment