Hello World,
I guess for the last five years or more, I have been thinking about getting braces. I have been uncomfortable with my smile for awhile, but I just felt like the cost and the effort was too much to bare. Its one of the many things that I felt I didn't deserve until I got to the "perfect" weight. I know it sounds crazy, but I have a list of things that I am going to do for myself when I get to blank size. Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. You have that list too : ) As I get my mind right, I have decided to go ahead and have a consultation today. I have a list of questions for the orthodontist and I must admit I am a nervous wreck. Do I even deserve to have braces? Will it help me? Is it a waste of time? Will my speech change? Even with these fears, I am heading to the orthodontist.
I had an interesting weekend. I didn't get a chance to go to my employee's wedding because I was at Le bonheur with my son. Yes, he still has that stomach bug. I took him because he didn't seem to be getting better. When we got there they gave him a freeze pop and sent us home. LOL! $250 copay for an ER visit without admission. What an expensive freeze pop. Bad thing about it is he didn't eat all of it. Anyway, I didn't take him to daycare today, because he still has runny stool and they won't take him with that. So I had to cancel my clients again. This is just part of being a mother. I roll with the punches and let God take care of the rest.
Health wise, I have been in a major funk. Major. If I look deep and tell myself the truth, this is what my problem is...I just realized that I can't fix my family. Yes, I realized that I was running myself crazy trying to fix the relationships that have developed negatively in our family. This all stems from the abuse and the lies and the hoarding and the neglect and denial, but I have been trying to make a "normal" family for years. I tried to established a relationship with my sister, that didn't work. I tried to help my mother see that she doesn't have to live the way that she does. To let her know that she is not a prisoner...that didn't work. I tried to tell my dad how he has hurt our family by being dishonest and abusive, but that didn't work. I tried to have Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings...that didn't work. After the Little Rock situation, I realize that there is nothing that I can do if they don't want to do anything. Don't get me wrong. I have been a harsh and self abusive-food addict and critical and judgemental and isolated perfectionist. I have asked God to show me where I can improve and he showed me those things about me. I am a natural "fixer". I want to "fix" things and make things right. I want people to do right and treat others right....that's not going to happen. People are who they are and the only one I can make do right is me. I have been working on eating and living in the now this past week. It was a little more difficult. I was able to do it for the first part of the day, but when the stress comes, then comes my compulsions. I lose it. This week. I am living in the now, with a daily schedule. Not weekly, but just daily. We will see if this is more manageable.
My cousin came down this weekend. We had a great time. We are SO alike. It is amazing. I let her borrow my Breaking Free book. She struggles with emotional eating as well. She is the oldest child and also comes from an abusive home. I wasn't finished with it, but I knew that she would enjoy it. I wanted her to take it with her. I told her how I still struggle because even though I got a lot of the physical weight off; the emotional weight still remains. So, with God's help, I am becoming more free everyday and I know she can too. We have a great bond that was broken when we were younger by my father's need to isolate our family from others. We began to rebuild our relationship and that bond is stronger than ever. It saddens me to think of all the years I missed sharing with her, but NOW we can continue to bond.
St. Jude. I have to get in the St. Jude mind set. I have still been running. Not everyday, but I do about 5 miles 3 x a week. I have gotten a little lazy because I am in a funk. This morning, I didn't run because Buggie is sick, but I will lift weights this afternoon, once I leave the office...yes, bug can't go to daycare,but he is going to the office with mommy to do paperwork. Can't waste the day doing nothing. Anyway, I have been waiting on the SIMs marathon schedule, but we have not received one. I am going to print one off the Internet and get started, I need a full five months to train. I want to finish strong so now is the time. I am still running the women's run, but I probably won't go to the trainings...too hot. I have the SIMs run in October and the Susan G. Komen run in October. After that, St. Jude marathon. I want to complete a 26 miler before the actual marathon. That way mentally, I will have already run that distance before. I know that is what helped me in Nashville, I had run further than 13.1 so the 1/2 marathon was a breeze. I am going to use that same strategy for St. Jude. Well, I'll write later. I'll let you know if I am a candidate for braces or not.
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