Neglecting God

I have been neglecting God. Yes, this is my truth. I do not want to do what He wants me to do. I want to do this on my own. But Trying to do this on my own never pays off. I as controlling that way. I want to get all the credit. I want to have all of the control. Control! Control! Control! Even over things that there is no way for me to control. I want to have my hands on it.

Giving control to God just may prove to be devastating...I mean, I don't know what He is going to do. What if something happens that I can't handle? What if I don't get what I want after spending time with Him? What if He asked me to do something that I don't know how to do or don't want to do? What if it is not what I think it will be at the end of trusting Him? The reasons above are all the reasons why I neglect my time with God. This has lead to major "falling" off the wagon. following His lead has lead me to "feeling" things that aren't very pleasant. Things that I had buried and did not want to ever deal with. For some reason, God wants me to deal with these things. Can't we just stick to diet(food) and exercise (calories burned). Do I really have to deal with why I don't value myself and why I have this need to control and why I have built these walls of protection that I won't let ANYONE into and why I use food as my drug of choice to numb this pain. I haven't been as tempted to drug myself with a box of donuts until I started dealing with myself and what Mia needs. Do we really have to do this??? I mean really??? Mia needs: Love, appreciation, recognition, friendship. She didn't get it as child. She still craves it and uses food to replace those needs. I didn't have a voice as a child, but I was able to eat whatever I wanted. You can sit here and ride in the car while I take you around the country for no reason, the only way to get out is to ask for something to eat (whether you are hungry or not). You can listen to me scream at you, your siblings and your mother all day and all night. If you want relief pretend that you want something to eat. You can't go outside and play, but you can eat whatever you want. You can't attend this function or participate in this, but you can eat these french fries.  You don't have an opinion, your messages mean nothing, you have to stop doing anything that might make you look better than me, but you can eat this bar-b-Que I just cooked.

I didn't realize how bad I was in pain. I didn't realize how arrested my development has been. I am trapped in the past and have based every one of my present and future goals on protecting myself from past hurts occurring again. I haven't let anyone know the real me because I am afraid that if you meet her, you will leave her or laugh at her, ignore her or devalue her...especially if she is overweight. I have a list of things that I am going to do once I meet my weight loss goals. I have a list of rewards for losing weight.What I don't have is a list of ways/ things that I can do for myself now. Right Now! Even as an overweight person in the process of getting healthy. What does she deserve? Is she special? Can she be valued as an overweight person?

I can. I am valued. I am special. I am forgiving. I am truly loved by the people who are 100% in my corner. Not just those that are here for convenience, I doesn't neglect God. God, you have my time and my undivided attention. I hear You and I thank You for showing me where I need and who I need to forgive so that I can receive forgiveness as well.