8/25/2010

Bug is just now starting to get over this stomach virus. We have been to Le Bonheur a total of 3 times and a visit to the physician's office. I feel that the end of this is near. He had been able to attend school this week because he has been able to control his "runny" stool. I am so glad it is coming to an end.

Well, I haven't written in so long...there has been a lot that I have been thinking about, feeling, expressing and doing since I last wrote, but I can sum it up with this....WOW! Healing and forgiveness is not an easy thing, but it feels good to begin the process.

Illusions and imaginations make you so much stronger than you are in reality. I can say and be anything in an illusion or in my imagination. In my dreams of being thin, I can do anything, say anything, be anything...I'm a great singer, a poet, a writer, eloquent speaker, a better therapist, lover, friend, mother when I imagine myself thin. I don't take crap from people when I imagine a thin Mia.I tell all of those people who I didn't ave the courage to confront a thing or two when I imagine the thin Mia. The thin me is not afraid of anything. No one ever hurts her and gets away with it...I imagine women who want to be married or dream of the perfect man have the same illusions and imaginations...When I get a husband, then I can do this or that. I won't feel like this when I find my husband. I won't have to do that anymore once I get a husband. I have learned as stated in previous posts..that the dreams or the imagination or the illusions of being thin far out weigh the actual "being thin". That is why I have unconsciously sabotaged my efforts SO many times. I enjoy thinking about "when I get thin" because of how empowering "thin" is in my imagination. But once I get to thin or really close to my definition of thin I unconsciously realize that the "thin" Mia is still wounded and angry and needs to be accepted and loved just like the "fat" Mia needs acceptance and searches for love. I guess if I am truthful, "thin" is a mask for not loving myself in the present. This is another attempt to avoid dealing with now and how I feel about Mia now. She is not worth loving while she is overweight. I will love her when she does this.... That is so not the way of God. What if God waited until we got it together before we came to Him? We would never get to Him that way 'cause we will never clean up enough and who judges "clean"? How would you know if you are truly clean or just what your definition of clean and righteous is? I am developing the ability to love myself just like God loves me. Just as I am. Come as you are.

For the past two weeks of course I have been nursing my son back to health and running my business, but health wise, I have stopped. Yes, I have stopped being so hard on myself. No more strict stuff. I just took a break from my eating schedule from my working out. I just gave myself a break. I don't know how long I am going to do it, but I want to let myself know that I am okay just like I am. I am continuing to learn to love Mia right where she is. I am learning not to be so hard on her. I am letting her know that it is okay to color outside of the lines sometimes. I am giving that child (little Mia from the past) permission to come out of that dark hole of fear, loneliness, rejection and lack of support that she learned from her parents and live; knowing that nothing was her fault. I didn't do anything to deserve the treatment that I received and I can't expect anything now except for what I can do for Mia now-today-in the present.

I am preparing mentally for St. Jude. With my work obligations, I have not formally met with SIM of my former TNT members. I have been working out on my own. Tomorrow, I am cross training. Starting Monday of next week, I will start my intense training. I am ready and excited.