Now, ME

Man O Man was it hot last night during the Women's Run. Boy, I thought I was in shape, but gosh those elements. The intermediate II group completed four miles at Shelby Farms. I saw a couple of my SIM sisters participating in the program as well. The run was really challenging. It was like I hadn't run before. I know it was because of that heat. It felt like 100 degrees out there. I enjoyed every minute :)

I brought my IPOD, but I decided to enjoy the moment and not try to escape it. I didn't leave my body or try to find another "zone". I stayed and enjoyed the moment. I listen to my feet hitting the pavement. I felt my legs jiggle. I felt my stomach bounce up and down. I was me and I appreciated me and my body (even if it was just for that moment). I looked at the other women, I didn't compare. I didn't try to "straighten" up when they came passed or speed up or do something that my body didn't want to do. As I looked at the other women, I watched them talk and listened to their breathing. I listened to my own breath. I heard the birds, the trees moved with the wind. I heard the sun yelling at us to "Run, Run". I think I will attempt to run more without my IPOD. I have become used to using music. Let's see how I grow without that distraction and just enjoy the run.

I don't know if I told you or not, I'll have to check the other posts, but I am reading Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. She is not a Christian at all. She is so raw and honest that previous attempts to read her writings have lead me to drop the book like a hot potato. They were too deep, too real. I wasn't ready to face the truth about my obsessions and compulsions. This has been an excuse of mine not to read her book. She is acutally buddist I believe, however, she has mastered compulsive eating, by becoming one with herself and not trying to escape who she is. I don't know if this is a Buddist or meditative principle, but it is definitely something that I believe God wants us to do as Christians. I am reading her book and applying it to what I know about the word of God. I am looking in her words and finding God's truth right inside each page.

Based on what I am reading, I am discovering the lies that were told to me or the ones that I believed about myself and my body. I am only going to overcome compulsive eating by love. Love never fails. It keeps going forever. This spirit of compulsive eating has never left me. It had been hiding in my lies. It had been hovering over me in fear. I can feel myself at times slipping back into old habits whenever things and people aren't perfect so I am digging as deeply as I can. I have to find out what the real problem is. Mia needs to be appreciated and loved by Mia. I have to ignore the lies that have been told to me about Mia. I can't be that 5 year old that got hurt by mommy and daddy or that 19 year old that was dumped, rejected and humiliated. I can't be that lonely 23 year old. I can't live in the past and based my future on past events and fears. I have to live in the now and enjoy the now. Okay...now I have to go on a home visit, but I will definitely finish this conversation later.