Journey Change,Walls assessed;A good shepard

Hey World,

Have you noticed how my posts have changed? At the beginning of this journey, it was all about my weight loss. It was all about food and how to control portions and count points, calories, fat grams. It was about weight watchers and learning to make healthier snacks. It was about finding the right positive quotes and scriptures. It was about races and exercise routines. It is definitely still all about that, but  I have reach the point to where I know the physical part, but I am a spirit. I live in a body and I have a mind, but I AM A SPIRIT. I know the counting calories and stuff, now I want to really shake this emotional monkey so that when the storm of stress hits, I don't ride the food wave. What is this inside that feels that food can "fix" it. Food can't fix anything...only for a brief moment. Okay....

I went to Brown Baptist church this morning...just when I was about to try another church out. It was soooo one point. The pastor spoke on Reasons to Celebrate. He talked about planning, praying, knowing God's promises and having people in your corner to agree. This was exactly what I needed to hear today...Yes, I have heard it a billion times, but today it was needed. I accepted it. I challenge myself to do what I heard this morning.

After a great church service, I went to the store with Bug to visit Fred. Fred's 36th birthday is tomorrow and we are just excited to spend as much time with him as we can. He used to get so depressed around his birthday. For all the years that I have known him (10 years), about a week before his birthday, Fred is the saddest man in the world. I used to think, how can someone be depressed when they are blessed with another year. I don't understand that and he has never been able to vocalize these feelings. He just can't explain it to me. But this year, yes this year, he has not been depressed. I mentioned it to him on Wednesday or Thurdsay. I said to him this is the first year that you have not been depressed. He smiled so sweetly and gave his nervous laugh that he does when he is put on the spot. I praise God that he is not upset this year. We don't have anything planned for his birthday. Bug and I bought some cologne, cake and cards. Next week, we are taking a vacation at the end of next week and we will both return to work the first week of August. Okay..back to my emotions conversation. While in church this morning....

I had a mental picture of the emotional walls that I still have built in my life.It was so vivid. I thought they were gone, but  I saw it today while I was in church. I thought it was unforgiveness, but it is fear. Because I have forgiven, but I am still afraid. I think God showed them to me in this way because it is time to feel my emotions. It is time. Time to deal with Mia. Time to feel Mia. Time to stop living in the box. Time to stop hiding. Time to let others know how great I am and let myself know how great I can be. I think that I am going to draw the picture. I am going to study what each wall has meant in my life, why I built it. From whom or what was I protecting myself from? I am working hard to tear them down and attack them head on. The wall that I'd built against a true friendship and intimate relationship with God is coming down. I am not afraid of that anymore. I am not afraid of answering His call on my life.  As I stated in previous posts, I have always had a hunger and desire for God (as we all do). I was taught (as many of us are) that God is waiting to punish us. Never was the intimate-personal-relationship made as important as doing the right thing to not make God mad was. So here I was trying to be "good". I wanted to be "good" at all times. I am still that way now. I want to always play by the rules. If I got outside the box or colored outside the lines, I am a nervous wreck until I get back in line. Never do I give myself room for error. I must be perfect. My relationships have to be perfect. The people in my life have to be perfect. It's all tied to fear of failure with them, fear of them knowing that I hurt. I can't show this hurt because it doesn't exist.  When I was younger, I felt like the world was on my shoulder. I'm a preacher's daughter they were waiting on my to be wild. I felt I had to prove that I was not wild. I want to control everything so that it stays perfect or maybe it is so that I can prevent it from failing. My plans have to be perfect, the people in my plans have to be or I am a failure. WHAT A LIE! I can't believe that I have wasted so much time believing these lies. I have been believing in perfectionism for a long-long-long-long time. I am working on believing in relationships. First with God and then with those he has blessed me to know in the future and those who have been there in my past. Today, I stop this lie in my life. It's done. I am beginning a new chapter as it relates to letting Mia feel her emotions. I don't mean just telling the truth to others, but continuing to be honest with myself about how I feel on a daily basis. When I am stressed. I will feel the stress. I will manage it and let it go. I am not going to ignore it or eat it away. I am going to feel it.

I will once and for all stop using food to "not" deal with my emotions, and in the place of food, I am not going to use fear and self doubt. I have to feel my feelings. I can't begin to tell you how to do this. I have trouble feeling them. I know that I have flaws. I know that I have hurts, but I am working on feeling those hurts, embracing those flaws...Lord, how do I do that! I was told as a young girl that my feelings don't matter. I was told that I am not likeable. I was told that I didn't have an opinion. I was told that I don't have friends. I was told that my family doesn't love me or care for me. My mother tries to pretend that these things never happened or that things were not as they seemed to me. I know what I felt or what I should have felt. These same walls built at an early age have gotten so high that I can't see over them now as an adult. They have built in my relationship with my immediate family...I mean: my sister, brother, dad and mom. The goal of our household was to separate from others. This caused us to be separate from ourselves. It created in me personally:  self-hatred, distrust (of self and others), social anxiety, and a lack of communication skills as it relates to feeling and expressing myself. It has caused me to shut-down and not deal with life head on. It has caused me at times to give up on people and myself.

Have you ever heard people say trust the Lord? Have you ever done it? I mean not after he has done something, but before He has done it. Have you ever really trusted Him? I mean put everything on Him. Casting all of your cares. Have you ever freed yourself enough to do that? Can you let go of that kind of control?

Read This:

The Lord is my shepard. I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows. He leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to His name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will lie in the house of the Lord forever. Psalms 23 (NLT)