My anniversary was so simple and sweet. Fred and I didn't go anywhere or do anything but look into each others eyes. We exchanged cards and small gifts. We laughed at ourselves and acknowledged our growth and need for each other. We reflected on our six years together. Yesterday, we celebrated Noah's first birthday. It was very fun and he had a great time too. Happy Birthday, Noah.
All of our backup babysitting "fell through" so we had Bug with us all weekend. That was okay. We had a great time. We will spend the rest of the week together. I will not be working too hard this week.
Health wise, I am becoming more free. Truly free. I am starting to see my errors. I haven't been able to see them. I thought the world was against me. I thought I was alone. I was mad at God for making me this way. For making people abandon me. Food was the only thing that I could control because everything that I have ever loved has abandoned or rejected me. Food is here. Even if temporary, it is here with me. Now that I am checking my motives and truly seeing myself, I can see where I have made tons of errors towards myself. I have been so hard on myself. Too hard. As stated in previous post-perfection was what I crave. Being hard has caused hardness toward others. So today I am loving my neighbor as I love myself. So, I am starting with me. Truly loving me, giving myself a break. Even over this last year of weight loss and exercise, I have been too hard on myself. Never truly leaving room for error. If I messed up or missed a workout, OMG!! Mia must pay dearly. I finally see it. I have identified the reason for my love of isolation, my desire for food. It is so safe. Unconsciously, I have been waiting to return to my safe place. After all this time and energy and effort and weight watchers and races and running groups, I have been secretly waiting to get back to the life that I had know before. But I swore to myself that I would be free from overeating. So I can't go back and I will get there.... to my freedom. I see now that I am just as addicted to fighting the weight loss battle as I was to overeating itself. I am just as addicted to the success and the failure of weight loss the need to be working on "getting there" and never truly getting there. If I blame the weight on everything, then I don't have to deal with the "real" issue of self-hatred and the feelings of rejection and stress and anxiety. Oops, Mia you have been exposed. That is what I thought gave me an excuse; a reason to hide. These walls are coming down. One wall identified and in the process of being torn down. Way to go, Mia.
I am preparing my mind for St. Jude. Next month my training begins. I want to finish strong and to do this, I will have to be strong mentally. So, I must begin to become very disciplined in all things. Discipline is the word for everyday.
Tonight, I am writing my menu and cleansing my mind to begin the meditation process and prepare for my master cleanse on Sunday. Back to the basics. St. Jude finish line here I come.
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